I have my mug of hot coffee, my fingerless gloves on. Hair's up, face's down. I've got Emma Blackery blasting into my ears. And I'm ready to write about a topic I've never really thought about without punishing myself for it. Love.
Hey!
For a 15 year old girl who is a hopeless romantic, I know absolutely NOTHING about love. I've never felt it, and I have no idea of how to know if what I'm feeling is somehow love related. Of course I love my parents, and my friends, but when it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend love, I'm completely clueless. And I hate being clueless. Everyone just says "Oh, you'll know if it's love." But what if I want it to be love, but I don't feel it?
I've never had a real boyfriend. And by real, I mean a physical, steady relationship. I've 'dated' two guys when I was eleven. Text relationship. One of them lasted 3 days. So, that doesn't count. I was so stupid. And when I was three years old I was supposedly in love with this boy who used to kiss me all the time. On the lips. But that doesn't also count. So, if we're talking about stuff that really matters, I've never been kissed, and I never had a boyfriend. But I've had a bunch of crushes. When I was in 8th grade, so about one and a half years ago, i had a crush in basically every single guy in my class. And there was this short, blond, fatty guy, who I had a crush on. For a day. And then about two months later he tells me he likes me. I guess I was really desperate because I texted him saying 'hell yeah, I like you too, let's date!'. THROUGH A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE! Haven't you learn anything in 6th grade, 13 year old Lorac? I guess not. But the worse is yet to come. We were in a school trip to spain. And we were texting like "Oh, i love you so much" (yeah, we were already in the 'I love you' phase.) and then he says "Oh, I can't wait to kiss you when we get to spain." and then something in my brain just froze. And reality drowned on me. There was a voice in my head just yelling YOU'RE NOT FUCKING READY TO HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS GIRL JUST NO! And I ended up just crying and Kate told me to end 'things' up if I wasn't ready 'cause I would just end up hurting the poor guy. And I didn't want that. So Maia asked if I wanted her to go and tell the boy that I didn't like him. I think he cried.
That didn't went well. And now this whole crush thing is getting me really confused.
Let me explain. There's this guy in my class, Theo. And he's like a major nerd and really skinny and stupid and arrogant. But he's smart. And he has good back muscles. Like REALLY good. And sometimes he's really adorable. But sometimes I just think he's weird and I want to get away. And I think Mike, the guy who sits next to me and a big friend, isn't the biggest fan of him. And they were in the same class. And people just think he's weird. I like weird. But sometimes influences make me hate weird. Even though I am weird. And I really don't know wether I have a crush on him or not. And it doesn't really matter, does it? Who cares? He cares. He told me THROUGH A FUCKING FACEBOOK MESSAGE (and i want to kill the poor guy because of this) AND AWJHVEJHKBCDW. He hasn't mentioned that, I haven't mentioned it either. And we're just friends. Really friends good. I don't know if I want to keep it that way or if I want more. I keep saying "Wait, and see if anything happens." But then I really wanna be like OH YOU GO GIRL RISK IT ALL AND DO IT AND KISS THE HELL OUT OF IT but I'm scared that it'll be just like in 8th and I get scared and I just end up hurting him. I don't want that. I don't want stuff to be weird between us. I like being around him and being goofy and joking and telling him I hate him. And I really don't know.
Plus, there's this girl called Melany who used to be from Theo and Mike's class last year and she's annoying and I don't like her. (Mike says I'm like her. I hate him for that. I hate being compared to anyone). And I get INCREDIBLY STUPIDILY jealous whenever she's with Theo. Or Mike. Or Cole. Or whatever. But I don't like being jealous. I hate not knowing.
And Jess and Mike keep bugging me, saying that I have a crush on Theo and I deny it because I don't even know myself what I feel and Mike and Jess don't help. But Mike says I act diferently around the guy. So I don't know.
Graaa.
Anyways.
Song of the day: Perfect, by Emma Blackery.
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
