Hey!
So I haven't been writing as much as I wish these past few... years. truth is, i got super busy with university and my whole life, and although I was still writing fiction that was somewhat based on my real life, i pratically stopped writing about me and my feelings. And one of my new years resolution for 2024 is to write more, because i really enjoyed the process of it, and also being able to look back and find something I wrote in the past. Since I have the memory of a goldfish :D
so. what's new. Finished my masters in 2022 and wrote a whole ass master thesis. that was crazy and totally something that 2018 carolina would never thought could be possible. Dated a girl for six months. (o:::: omg she finally figured out her sexuality??? it's pan btw. Im pansexual). Broke it off since I'm still weird when it comes to feelings and shit (although i think i did the right thing) Am now working full time at a software company, and have been doing so for a whole year. Have been dating this boy for a year and a half??? WHAT THE HEEEELLLLLLLL I am in a stable relationship with this boy who I truly love and who loves me back.
And no, I am still pretty insecure when it comes to relationships, and I still doubt everything I am feeling and if i am in the right place. but, when it comes down to it, I feel safe with him. he makes me laugh, and cooks amazingly, and is vEEEERY good looking. he is outgoing, and unafraid to try new things, which in consequence leads me to try new things. I like cheese now.
Although I am much better when it comes to how I was feeling in 2014/2015, there are some patterns that i recognize now, looking back at those blog entries, that make me feel so dumb for forgetting that i have been feeling this way since FOREVEEEER
I have been unsure of my relationships FOREVER. ever since 6th grade or whatever. It's not something that happened over night, or when i entered university. no. I have always been like this.
I have felt sad at times and unhappy since I WAS A SMALL GIRL. not looking at these blog posts might lead me to forget it, but i spent the past two days rotting in bed (during work hours yes, we do not bend to capitalism in this household) (have I mentioned OMG
HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I NOW LIVE IN A HOUSE!?!?!? with roommates okay. guess who one of them is??? REMEMBER JOE (i think thats his name) THE GUY THAT I MET IN ONE BADMINTON TOURNMENT AND WHO I COULDN'T STOP OBCESSING ABOUT??? YEAH??? WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS NOW, HE TOOK THE SAME MASTER'S AS ME AND IS NOW WORKING IN THE SAME COMPANY AS ME AND MY BOYFRIEND?"?"??!?!??! LIFE IS SO WEIRD I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TELL YOUNGER ME ABOUT ALL OF THIS)
okay so. past two days rotting in bed. feeling sad and unmotivated. most likely because of my period. I am very in tune with my menstrual cycle, thank you very much, and woman are more likely to feel more suicidal when they are on their periods!! Although i am not feeling suicidal, i am feeling very down, and i am choosing to blame my hormones for this. i cant believe i'll have to deal with this every month in the next 30-40 years? ugh. anyways.
I've changed since i was last posting on this blog, but looking back at these entries, i haven't changed that much. I still very much enjoy being inside a lot more than going out. (although i had a phase in 2019. it was part of my growth, we don't talk about it). But I still get the thrill whenever I'm meeting new people, or spending time with my friends, i still feel so unbelievably happy. I am still very much in love with all of my friends back in my hometown, and I am so unbelievably grateful that I get to have them in my life. I am so grateful that i get to have the giant that i get to call my boyfriend by my side, pulling me up and getting me out of bed when i am down, experiencing life with him and I cannot wait to see what the rest of my life has got for us. I can't wait to see where my friends go with their degrees and their relationships, and i can't wait to witness it all (i am now crying for the second time today, but now it's not of sadness exactly. more like a nostalgic happiness?) I think we have so much left in store for us because life can't be just this.
it can't be just working all day, feeling sad and dumb, feeling sorry for myself for not being up to my own standards, and then remembering that i need to be kinder to myself, that i need to be there for me as i am for everyone else. i'm enjoying life so much nowadays, that i forget that when i get sad, or when i can't get out of bed, or do anything but watch tiktoks, but the truth is that i'm surrounded by so many wonderful things and people that i know i just have to wait this out. i just have to keep holding on, however sad or down i might be, because eventually ill be okay again. ill start working on something i'm truly passionate about, the sun will come out of the clouds and we'll be able to go on walks to the park again, my head will stop hurting and ill be able to read again.
at 24, life isn't that bad, even at an all time low. so i just need to keep waiting until i'm all good again.
peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator
music of the day: better now, by maro
