Love (NAR)

I have my mug of hot coffee, my fingerless gloves on. Hair's up, face's down. I've got Emma Blackery blasting into my ears. And I'm ready to write about a topic I've never really thought about without punishing myself for it. Love.
Hey!
For a 15 year old girl who is a hopeless romantic, I know absolutely NOTHING about love. I've never felt it, and I have no idea of how to know if what I'm feeling is somehow love related. Of course I love my parents, and my friends, but when it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend love, I'm completely clueless. And I hate being clueless. Everyone just says "Oh, you'll know if it's love." But what if I want it to be love, but I don't feel it?
I've never had a real boyfriend. And by real, I mean a physical, steady relationship. I've 'dated' two guys when I was eleven. Text relationship. One of them lasted 3 days. So, that doesn't count. I was so stupid. And when I was three years old I was supposedly in love with this boy who used to kiss me all the time. On the lips. But that doesn't also count. So, if we're talking about stuff that really matters, I've never been kissed, and I never had a boyfriend. But I've had a bunch of crushes. When I was in 8th grade, so about one and a half years ago, i had a crush in basically every single guy in my class. And there was this short, blond, fatty guy, who I had a crush on. For a day. And then about two months later he tells me he likes me. I guess I was really desperate because I texted him saying 'hell yeah, I like you too, let's date!'. THROUGH A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE! Haven't you learn anything in 6th grade, 13 year old Lorac? I guess not. But the worse is yet to come. We were in a school trip to spain. And we were texting like "Oh, i love you so much" (yeah, we were already in the 'I love you' phase.) and then he says "Oh, I can't wait to kiss you when we get to spain." and then something in my brain just froze. And reality drowned on me. There was a voice in my head just yelling YOU'RE NOT FUCKING READY TO HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS GIRL JUST NO! And I ended up just crying and Kate told me to end 'things' up if I wasn't ready 'cause I would just end up hurting the poor guy. And I didn't want that. So Maia asked if I wanted her to go and tell the boy that I didn't like him. I think he cried.
That didn't went well. And now this whole crush thing is getting me really confused.
Let me explain. There's this guy in my class, Theo. And he's like a major nerd and really skinny and stupid and arrogant. But he's smart. And he has good back muscles. Like REALLY good. And sometimes he's really adorable. But sometimes I just think he's weird and I want to get away. And I think Mike, the guy who sits next to me and a big friend, isn't the biggest fan of him. And they were in the same class. And people just think he's weird. I like weird. But sometimes influences make me hate weird. Even though I am weird. And I really don't know wether I have a crush on him or not. And it doesn't really matter, does it? Who cares? He cares. He told me THROUGH A FUCKING FACEBOOK MESSAGE (and i want to kill the poor guy because of this) AND AWJHVEJHKBCDW. He hasn't mentioned that, I haven't mentioned it either. And we're just friends. Really friends good. I don't know if I want to keep it that way or if I want more. I keep saying "Wait, and see if anything happens." But then I really wanna be like OH YOU GO GIRL RISK IT ALL AND DO IT AND KISS THE HELL OUT OF IT but I'm scared that it'll be just like in 8th and I get scared and I just end up hurting him. I don't want that. I don't want stuff to be weird between us. I like being around him and being goofy and joking and telling him I hate him. And I really don't know.
Plus, there's this girl called Melany who used to be from Theo and Mike's class last year and she's annoying and I don't like her. (Mike says I'm like her. I hate him for that. I hate being compared to anyone). And I get INCREDIBLY STUPIDILY jealous whenever she's with Theo. Or Mike. Or Cole. Or whatever. But I don't like being jealous. I hate not knowing.
And Jess and Mike keep bugging me, saying that I have a crush on Theo and I deny it because I don't even know myself what I feel and Mike and Jess don't help. But Mike says I act diferently around the guy. So I don't know.
Graaa.
Anyways.
Song of the day: Perfect, by Emma Blackery.
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx

SWORD ART ONLINE SPOILER ALERT

HEY!
OH MY ANGEL IM SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS!
IM WATCHING SWORD ART ONLINE AND ITS LIKE THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON, EPISODE 15 WHERE THE OPENING CHANGES AND THE GAME ENDEND AND KIRITO OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS IS COMING BACK INTO THE NORMAL LIFE! and I figured that because my twitter followers wouldn't want to read my tweets about some 'stupid cartoon', I would write in here as the episode would go.
So, episode 15. (btw this will be just a mess because it will be random thoughts but yeah CONTENT as woto says so, fuck it!)

THE OPENING SPOILS A LOT OF THINGS LIKE NO, SHUT UP I DONT WANNA KNOW!!!
wait, am i still watching sao or is it Legend of Zelda?
THIS LOOKS A LOT LIKE ZELDA WHAT IS THIS?!
okay, so Kirito sister has a sword...
NO BOY BAD IDEA DONT DO THAT ITS STILL TOO EARLY FOR YOU TO PICK A SWORD AND FIGHT BOY!
OH NO POOR THING HE THOUGHT HE WAS STILL IN THE GAME NO COME HERE KIRITO LET ME HUG YOU AND BE YOUR ASUNA!!!
OH HES SO ADORABLE WITH HIS SISTER CAN I BE SUGU PLEASE!?
GOING TO SEE HER?
who's her?!
Wait shes hasnt woken up yet?!
TWO MONTHS AGO?!
WUT?
THEY HAD YET TO AWAKE?! WHAT DO YA MEAN?!
Of course hes behind it!
oh no Asuna...
Kirigaya, that's his name
nononono
nononononon
nononon
you cant like her asuna is supposed to end with kirito not with you you old bastard!
nonononono
inciesta not aproves
nknigsfhgshjsd
NONONONONO
HES SMELLING HER HAIR THAT BASTARD
DCNOIFGVRWSH
NONONO NO MARRIEAGE HES GOING TO RAPE HER
OF COURSE SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU YOURE A PEDOPHILE!!!
YOU GO KIRITO
Argus?
Lect?
WHAAAATTTT?!?!?
nnonononono thats just sick nonono
NO THE GUY LOVES HER YOU CANT ASK HIM TO NOT COME BACK LIKE COME ON KIRITO KILL THE BASTARD!
lol i keep calling him kirito his name is kirigaya lololol
nononono no me gusta nope nope nope
i like kirito's computer it has so many screens.
NO KIRITO YOURE NOT HOPELESS I LIKE YOU
kirito dont cry
oh great now ill start crying too
OH FUCK YOU SUGU AND YOUR WISE WORDS YOURE SO CUTE
whats happening?
KIRITO IS ADOPTED?!
wut? im confused
japanese hospitals are so modern I l-WAIT THEY'RE COUSINS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
shes taking it really well
your heart belongs to her alone CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING?! CAUSE IM SCREAMING REALLY LOUD RIGHT NOW!!! in my head cause its like midnight but yeah, you get the point.
lol poke
oni-chan is so adorable
wait wat just happened why did she run away?
YEY THREE SCREEN COMPUTER!
ASUNAAAAAAAAA
and it ended.

Well this was fun. I'm endind this here because 1. it takes too much effort to write and watch at the same time. 2. it's late and i want to watch the rest. 3. there's no three lolol

I'm sorry for the caps lock and lack of '''' these things '''' but too lazy to care :P
Anyways, song of the day is Misguided Ghosts, by Paramore. I've been listening to a lot of Paramore recently, they're so great!

I hate Cole. And Jess.

Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx

BTW CAN YOU BE HAPPY BECAUSE ANIME RELATED POST OH MY ANGEL YASS FINALLY I'VE MISSED WRITING THESE!


yess jess i just said i hate you over there. you can spank me at school on monday :P

Yeah, definitely not anime related

Hey!
Hi. Hello there. It's been a long time hasn't it? It feels like too long. I've missed writing here. But school kinda keeps me busy. Except on the weekends.
So, let's start with the easy part, anime. FREE! BROKE MY HEART AND MADE ME FEEL SO HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME LIKE OMFA THAT SHIT IS SO CHEESY BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT MAKES ME WANT A FRIENDSHIP LIKE THEIRS AND ARGHSKJAJNDF RIN MUST MEAN ADORABLENESS BECAUSE THIS RIN IS ALSO ADORABLE AND CUTE IN HIS OWN WAY ASDSFKJDBNVSD THE FEELS!! I've finished downloading Sword Art Online, so I can watch it at school. Yey!
So, where do I go from here? Should I talk about my new school, James, my youtube channel or my parents.
My youtube channel. Me and Maia (AKA my best friend, as you may know, and whom real name is actually Rachel, i just use diferent names to protect their identities; for instance, James real name isn't James, but I not going to say it anyways.) are creating a youtube channel called the Machelli Project. The first two videos should have been out by wednesday the 1st and friday the 3rd, but Maia uploaded the unedited version and was unable to edit the video on time, so the Machelli Project will only exist next week. I'm excited.
Now about things that are kinda sad. And kinda serious. My parents argue. A lot. Since I remember there wasn't a single month that passed without my parents having a fight. And I thought it was okay, normal, for parents to call each other names and call out all the bad things they've ever done. I'd always thought it was normal, okay, because in the end they always restarted speaking to each other and being nice. But I was 6 at the time (the age when I remember the first BIG fight) and the only outside interaction I had was at school, where there weren't more parents for me to compare. But then I started going to sleepovers, and I realized that other people's parents didn't fight. Obviously because I was there. But still. They always seemed so... Lovely and happy near each other. And my friends never complained about their parents. I also never did. It wasn't something I was proud of, and because I thought it was normal, I never felt the urge to comment that. You don't comment what's normal. But in the past three years, my parents have been fighting a lot more than usual. And the aftermath usually lasts for two to three weeks before everything comes to normal. And now my mom is saying that she wants the divorce. But that she can't divorce my dad because she has no money, and we're drowning in my dads debts, which are my mom's because he made her sign the papers. And my mom is the only one who works in the house, and there's no money coming now because 1) the debts and 2) my parents had a car crush in may, and while my dad came out withouth gettin hurt, my mom broke a thing in her back, and now she hasn't been working since then. And about four days ago, my mom burst into my room, aparently in the middle of a fight (I didn't hear because I had my headphones on) and says with that voice that means trouble "Where's my phone, I need to call the police, your father just hit me.". And my heart stoped. And I didn't know what to do. I started crying but I stopped because I don't cry, and then I went to see what was happening and my dad was screaming and my mom was screaming and my grandad was with his hand on my mom's shoulder saying 'calm down there's no need to fight' and then my dad says "Lora go to your room and close the door" and I got really scared. But now they still don't speak and I don't know what to do. It was the first time my dad physically hurted my mom, and I don't know.

(update from future lora in july 2015: I make it sound like this is a really bad thing. I was scared for the future of my parents. But things weren't that bad, even though they sound like it. honestly, i'm considering taking this post down because it might give the internet the wrong idea)

But onto more happy things. Okay, maybe not so happy. James. James. James has got a freaking crush. On a girl. Like WUT?! You can't do this to me boy, it's not allowed. You're breaking the law. And my heart. Even though I swore to Maia that I didn't like him anymore. And though I swore to myself that no boy would ever broke my heart and that I would never cry over some stupid crush. That doesn't even exist anymore in this case. But still. The guy is a cold-hearted bitch and now he has a fucking crush?! Nope, nope, that is wrong. And I don't know who the fuck she is, but I bet she's hot and cute and a lot nerdier than I am, and I bet she's beautiful and I bet that they look so cute together and that they oh angel, oh my dear angel, please kill my feelings now.

Okay. I'm okay.

On to the new school. OH MY FUCKING ANGEL I HAVE FRIENDS. There's this guy who is the worst person ever and he's really mean and I really hate him and he's always making fun of me. I shouldn't take it personal, but I do because insecurities. And he's a douchebag. And then there's this really tall guy called Luke (omfa I hope that Jess (remember her? the girl who dislikes 5sos but loves atl?) doesn't read this, I'm gonna get so much crap about this... oh well...) who I think I've already mentioned and he's fucking adorable and cute and he's adorable. And tall. And me and Jess love to hug him. Well, we love to hug everyone. Especially this guy called Cole who sits next to Jess in class, and in front of me, and we love to annoy the shit out of him. And he's an idiot but he's also really cute and he's voice is really nice to hear and adfg it's cute. (Wait Jess, I hope that you aren't reading this, please don't be reading this. I love you.) and then there's his friend called Michael and he's an adorable little tumblr shit that listens to blink-182 and he's cute. There are a lot of cute people in my class now that I think about it. Oh well.
And Friday (yesterday) I had a little breakdown, and I stopped being bubbly and hyper and Jess noticed and she tried to cheer me up and it was really cute and then Cole also noticed and he wasn't taling to me because I called him an idiot and then he asked what was wrong and I didn't told them and they tried to cheer me up anyways and it was really cute and argh friends are so nice. Also, they give the best hugs.

Talking about the now, I'm sick, really sick. I think it's sun stroke or whatever you call it, but yeah, I have that because tuesday we went to the park and it was really sunny and my head and sun and sweat and now my head hurts. And I should study for a math quiz I'm having this monday but I can't because my head hurts. And I can't take any medication because I'm kinda staright edge and I don't do drugs so no medicine for me but it hurts. Wait, I've just realized that I toke two pills because of a reaction my body made to a mosquito bite. WAIT I BROKE THE LAW OH NO. Oh well, there's nothing I can do now.  Anyways.

ALSO IN THE LAST WEEK OF OCTOBER MY PE CLASSES WILL BE ON THE SWIMMING POOL NEXT TO MY SCHOOL AND WE'RE GOING TO SWIM AND LEARN HOW TO SWIM AND 1)FREE! AND 2) I'M GOING TO BE GOU BECAUSE HALF NAKED WET SEXY DUMB WITH FUCKING NIPPLES GUYS OMFA IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT!!!

song of the day: Begin again, by The Summer Set. I've been listening to a lot of their music recently, and I just love the vibes that their songs sent, and begin again has to be one of my favourite songs by them.

So baii guyeses.

Peace out dragons (i stopped using dudes since veeoneeye's scandal and yeah, I don't wanna talk 'bout that...) (and dragons is much cooler) (i mean) (dragons)
Lorac xx

School (nar)

Hey!

So… School huh? And Free!? I have two episodes to catch up to, but my internet is shit right now, that’s why you’re reading a post I wrote on Friday on Sunday or Saturday or whatever. But there was a storm and lightning and that ruined my internet connection because I connect to a hotspot and blah blah blah.

So, going back to the topic of school. The first week of school finished today and to say that I’m exhausted, physically and mentally, is saying very little. I could die right now. My shoulders are killing me because of the weight of all the books in my backpack and my Maths and my Portuguese (shocker, I’m from Portugal :O now you know, big deal) books still haven’t arrived yet. And I need them. Anyways. I study everyday now, I go through everything I wrote in class and all that so I don't leave everything to study on the weekend right before the day of the test. My schedule is kinda weird now. I have 50 minutes blocks of classes, and when there’s always a break between each block. So I can go and eat in the middle of Math class. Amazing!

And now we’ll get to the real shit. The classmates. We’re a total of 31, 3 more people than what the law says. We are the biggest class in the school. We’re eight girls and 23 boys. Most of them are really nice, but I’m weird, so I’m not the nicest person. They say I’m mean. And I’m totally aware that they’re just joking. But that makes me think that maybe I should just be… quiet. Don’t say a word. Just shut up. I listen a lot more than last year, I’m a lot more quieter than I was before. Simply because I know that if I say something, I’ll make a fool of myself.

And I want to be different. I don’t want to be like all of those girls you see around in the corridors wearing short shirts and skinny leggings and high heels and leather purses and their books in their hands. I wear a stupid blue and white squared backpack, full of useless stuff. I wear sweatshirts most of the time. I wear the baggiest shirts. I have a lot more black stuff than before. I listen to All Time Low and Panic! At The Disco but I don’t listen to Pierce The Veil or Black Veil Brides because I’m way too lazy to do that. I take months to watch a 25-episodes anime because I procrastinate and watch YouTube videos instead. I read a lot. I’m not a gamer, I don’t listen to screamo and punk music. I’m not mean. I just don’t like people. I don’t like being under people’s judgment. So I become this tough girl who pretends that she’s a gamer and a rebel who wants to go against the law. I’m not. I just want to stay at home and cry over the fact that Gwen Stacy is dead and Peter won’t have the love of his life anymore. I suck at badminton, but a lot of people think that I’m good because I’ve had five years of experience. Guess what? I suck at it because I’m way too lazy. My legs are way too large and my stomach is as flaccid as raw meat, which is gross.

But I want people to see me like I’m this tough girl who does all of these cool stuff. But I’m not. I really want to play games, but I won’t have time to do that. I wish I could listen to Black Veil Brides without cringing a little, but I do. I’m not up to the standards I have for me and it makes me frustrated because I feel like I don’t want to be myself because I’m afraid people won’t accept me. They will like the other girl better because she plays League Of Legends or because she listens to that type of music that nobody knows about. They won’t like me. I try to be funny but I fail miserably and end up making other people believe that I feel sorry for myself. I don’t. I couldn’t care less if they call me mean. Because I am mean. I make those sassy sarcastic remarks, I offend everyone, I am way too loud, I love anime more than gaming and I spend 90% of my computer time on YouTube. I make puns and I get a lot of crushes. I read way too many books, I am intelligent. Fucking hell, I love Maths and I weird myself out because my brain keeps thinking and thinking and it never stops and I get scared because I just need rest. And in the end I really like that class. They are nice to me. I’m not nice to them, but everyone has their own personalities. There’s this really cute and tall guy who seems to always be scared and really shy but when he opens up he’s awesome. And there’s this really short guy who loves YouTube almost as much as me and he even says the same PewDiePie references as me. And there’s these girls who are really intelligent. And everyone participates so much in class that I’m afraid that’ll I stay behind because I don’t participate because I’m afraid I’ll make a fool of myself if I get it wrong. But fuck, they do it, they get the answers wrong and I don’t think they’re losers, why would they think that of me?! And there’s a lot of not lazy guys, which is new. And they always smile if me or anyone else from the rest of the class pass by them. And we now have a facebook group, which is the shittiest but awesomest thing ever because we talk through that and make fun of each other and we talk on skype and it’s fun. And they are SO different from my old class, and I miss my old class so much. But at the same time I’m so glad I’m in this class, alone. We don’t have the stupid rumors we had in my old class. Because we’re so little girls, there’s always a boy around, and that’s different from before because we were separated in girls and me and Maia and the boys. And I like that we don’t have little groups, we are all one big united group.

In one class we had to make a little presentation of ourselves, and the teacher said to one of the guys “So, you already know one or two friends here” and he answered “I had one or two friends, but now I have thirty more” and we all ‘awed’ collectively and it was so cute. And we have our own private jokes and they make me forget all the shit about home, and about everything else.

I don’t have to be anyone else for these people to accept me, they already have within one week of me being the meanest person ever to them. Sure yeah, they call me mean, and I call them idiots. We all dislike our philosophy teacher so, we’re in this together. I have fun with them, I like them. They’re different in a good way, and I like that.

So, I’m sorry that was a little big. And not anime related, again. Get used to it!

Song of the day: Warriors, by Imagine Dragons. GUYES CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AMAZING THIS SONG IS?! It was made for the League Of Legends World Championship, which begun Thursday I think? I don’t know, anyways, the lyrics are so argh, and I’m not even a gamer and I kinda feel the song? Maybe because I always wanted to make a videogame? I don’t know. But the song is really powerful and amazing, and you can download it for free on the LoL website FOR FREE or you can be a piece of shit and go on iTunes and pay 1,79$ for it. Your choice. But it’s my new favorite song so… yeah. Go listen to it right now!

Peace out dudes,

Lorac xx

Quick reminder

I'M GOU! I'M SO LIKE GOU WHEN I WATCH FREE! BECAUSE ALL THE MUSCLES AND OMFA.
that's all. baii

Code Geass: The end/ Free!: The Begining

Hey!
I have good news. I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED WATCHING CODE GEASS! AND OH MY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ANGEL THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND HORRIBLE AND AMAZEBALLS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! THE LAST EPISODE OH MY ANGEL.
Okay, so it's better if I start somewhere. That somewhere being the last episode because ASDFGHJK
Anyways.
Lelouch dies. That's what it took to finish the war and to make everyone happy. And Suzaki is now the new Zero. That's weird. But, I think that Lelouch was supposed to die from the begining. You can't just take away all of people's wills and get away with it. That's wrong. But the fact that he choose to die was really brave. And when he lied to all of those people and got that much hatred just for that in the end it would be easier to eliminate all of that hatred. Clap, clap Mr. Lelouch, that was incredible. But when Lelouch fall down that car thingy on the scene where he dies, Nunally screams broke my heart. That part was so touching because in the middle of all of that happiness that Lelouch, the 'bad' guy, was finally gone, there was one person who knew the whole story and who suffered, and that show us that you can never make everyone happy. But I think that the fact that Nunally was unhappy was worth the rest of the world.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT OGHI AND THE OTHER GIRL'S MARRIAGE AND THAT SHE'S PREGNANT OH MY ANGEL SADFGFHGFDS THE FEELS!
And how happy C.C. was in the end. And Kallen. Oh my, Kallen.
And Suzaki. He did a lot of stuff wrong, and most of the time in the anime he was in the wrong side of the battle. But what he did was with the best of intentions and I believe that the burden that he carries now (of being Zero) is enough to make him pay.

So this was only half of the post. I'm writing this right after I finished watching Code Geass. The other half that is bellow will be about my thoughts on Free!, which I'm about to watch so, see ya later!

Hey!
It's actually two days later after I wrote the things above. Why did it took me so long? Because I was watching Free! That's right. AND I FUCKING FINISHED THE FIRST SEASON IN TWO FUCKING DAYS AND OMFA THAT WAS WAY TOO CHEESY AND EMOTIONAL AND BEAUTIFUL AND FREE FOR ME!!!
First of all, there's a guy named Rin, that makes me like the anime even more. Seconds, he has pointy teeth! What's with the anime characters named Rin and having pointy teeth?! Anyways.
Third, THERE WERE A LOT OF TOPLESS WET STRONG DUMB GUYS WITHOUT NIPPLES! I don't understand. Don't Japanese people have nipples? I don't know.
Let's talk about Haru, shall we? He's the most adorable and weird and silent and mature guy I've ever seen. He doesn't smile but I like to think like Nigasa, Haru is always smiling on the inside. And asdfghnvfds I can't talk about him anymore, it's too much. I still prefer Rin Okumura though, he has a cute sense of humor, nothing beats that.
And then there's Makoto. HE'S THE BESTEST FRIEND ANYONE COULD HAVE ASKED FOR AND HE'S SO CARING AND ADORABLE AND MUSCLE AND ASDFGB WHERE CAN I BUY A MAKOTO?!
And Nigasa is just the kid, and he's adorable.
And Rei. I feel kinda bad for him because he didn't get to swim with the other guys on the relay, but what he did was really sweet and nice, and he's so amazing because he keeps thinking that things are beautiful and you don't see a guy talk like that frequently, so seeing that was hilarious.
Also, was I the only one who noticed that these guys have the weirdest hair/eye colors? Like oh my angel, Rei has blue-ish hair and purple eyes and Makoto has green-ish hair and green eyes and Haru has the most beautiful shade of blue in his eyes, it's so beautiful. And Rin has red eyes and red hair and Nigasa has red eyes and light brown hair and the hair and the eyes kinda match and that's so cool but at the same time weird. People in animes have the weirdest eye/hair colors. That's so amazing.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT RIN IS JUST A SWEETHEART WHO NEEDED A FRIEND AND NOW EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND AWESOME AND ASDFGHJ RIN IS THE MOST CARING AND ADORABLE PERSON ON THE INSIDE OKAY?!

So, it's kinda obvious that I loved Free! isn't it? I'm now going to watch Free!: Eternal Summer, so, maybe I'll post something about that.

By the way, my school starts in a week, can you hear my tears? No, but probably the updates will be in less quantity but hopefully the quality will be the same. Talking about my anime schedule, I won't probably watch that much. Guess summer wasn't enough to watch all of those animes that I wanted to watch, huh? But after Free! I really want to check out what's "Adventure Time" (I'm totally aware that it's not an anime) because I keep hearing youtubers talking about that and the characters are kinda cute so, I wanna check out that. Also, I want to try and finish the first season of Doctor Who before I go to school. That shit only has 15 episodes so, I think I'm going to be okay. And if I still end up without anything to watch, I have my list :D

Anyways, I think that's it. I don't think I ever thanked you for reading this? I didn't? Oh, there's no one there? Okay then. But thanks shadows, for reading this. This blog has helped me out a lot. So yeah.

Song of the day: Fireworks, by You Me At Six. I love them. And I love shouting I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! every time I see someone I know :P just like Jack And Dean did in one of their videos ahah

I'm so happy.
I'm sad, school is starting in a week. In two days I will meet my new classmates. I still have no fucking clue of what I'm going to wear. oops (yeah, that's a big deal for me, I like to have things planned out before-hand okay? okay.)

Peace out dudes!
Lorac xx

#I'mNotSoHappyButI'lBeOkay (nar)

That's what I should've written on my wrist.
Hey!
So the last two posts I made, I mentioned something called #I'mHappy challenge. Well, I realized this morning that it was stupid.
This morning I had a little 'breakdown'. I had sort of a fight with my mum, and then I started crying for 'no reason' and all those thoughts I've been trying to avoid for a week floated back into my mind like something that I can't think of right now that is like thoughts floating into my mind. My point is, this challenge was based on another challenge. But the #CutCake thing is more physical than psychological, it was based on stop doing something that you could control, your hands grabbing a blade and cutting your skin. But when it comes to your mind, there's always that little something you can't control. Add that little something to the fact that I'm on my period, and you have the reason behind my breakdown.
But there's another thing. What if I could have gone through the week and got my microwave cake in a mug. And then what? What would happen after that week? Would I be happy? Would I stop being... what I am now? (which is not depressed because I like to believe that I am better than I was a few months ago) I don't think so. You can't cure a mind in seven days. That's too little time to fix something broken for a whole life (which is 15 years for me).
Maybe my mind won't ever get fixed. Maybe I'll always have this broken side of me. Maybe I'll have to learn to live with it. And it's okay to have a broken side. It's okay to be sad and to cry cuddling to your teddy bear and sobbing like a mad dog for hours. And then falling asleep and having the weirdest dreams ever, which include crying to your death in one of them and a bad first day of school. Which totally isn't what hapenned to me this morning.
To be honest, I'm quite scared of this dark, broken side of me. Of the thoughts that it brings to my head. But I'm actually quite glad that I have it. It makes me more... Normal, I think? I don't know. I can't always be happy and bubbly, even though it's what I am (or try to be) 95% of the time. Just bear with me and my weird broken sad side for the other 5% okay? I will bear with yours. (I KNOW THERE'S NO ONE THERE OKAY I JUST LIKE TO PRETEND THERE IS DON'T JUDGE ME A GIRL CAN HAVE HER FANTASIES THAT TOTALLY DON'T SHOW HER NEED FOR LOVE-okay this went too far)

Well, I guess that's it.

Song of the day: This Is Me, by the one and only Charlie McDonnell (aka charlieissocoollike on youtube, i love him okay?) I wrote this blog post (only half of it though lol) listening to this song.

I've noticed that I put a shit load of youtubers music in song of the day and that I mention a lot of youtubers in this blog. Oh well, who cares?

Peace out dudes!
Lorac xx