a letter to me

 Hey!

So I haven't been writing as much as I wish these past few... years. truth is, i got super busy with university and my whole life, and although I was still writing fiction that was somewhat based on my real life, i pratically stopped writing about me and my feelings. And one of my new years resolution for 2024 is to write more, because i really enjoyed the process of it, and also being able to look back and find something I wrote in the past. Since I have the memory of a goldfish :D

so. what's new. Finished my masters in 2022 and wrote a whole ass master thesis. that was crazy and totally something that 2018 carolina would never thought could be possible. Dated a girl for six months. (o:::: omg she finally figured out her sexuality??? it's pan btw. Im pansexual). Broke it off since I'm still weird when it comes to feelings and shit (although i think i did the right thing) Am now working full time at a software company, and have been doing so for a whole year. Have been dating this boy for a year and a half???  WHAT THE HEEEELLLLLLLL I am in a stable relationship with this boy who I truly love and who loves me back.

And no, I am still pretty insecure when it comes to relationships, and I still doubt everything I am feeling and if i am in the right place. but, when it comes down to it, I feel safe with him. he makes me laugh, and cooks amazingly, and is vEEEERY good looking. he is outgoing, and unafraid to try new things, which in consequence leads me to try new things. I like cheese now. 

Although I am much better when it comes to how I was feeling in 2014/2015, there are some patterns that i recognize now, looking back at those blog entries, that make me feel so dumb for forgetting that i have been feeling this way since FOREVEEEER

I have been unsure of my relationships FOREVER. ever since 6th grade or whatever. It's not something that happened over night, or when i entered university. no. I have always been like this. 

I have felt sad at times and unhappy since I WAS A SMALL GIRL. not looking at these blog posts might lead me to forget it, but i spent the past two days rotting in bed (during work hours yes, we do not bend to capitalism in this household) (have I mentioned OMG

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I NOW LIVE IN A HOUSE!?!?!? with roommates okay. guess who one of them is??? REMEMBER JOE (i think thats his name) THE GUY THAT I MET IN ONE BADMINTON TOURNMENT AND WHO I COULDN'T STOP OBCESSING ABOUT??? YEAH??? WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS NOW, HE TOOK THE SAME MASTER'S AS ME AND IS NOW WORKING IN THE SAME COMPANY AS ME AND MY BOYFRIEND?"?"??!?!??! LIFE IS SO WEIRD I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TELL YOUNGER ME ABOUT ALL OF THIS)

okay so. past two days rotting in bed. feeling sad and unmotivated. most likely because of my period. I am very in tune with my menstrual cycle, thank you very much, and woman are more likely to feel more suicidal when they are on their periods!! Although i am not feeling suicidal, i am feeling very down, and i am choosing to blame my hormones for this. i cant believe i'll have to deal with this every month in the next 30-40 years? ugh. anyways.

I've changed since i was last posting on this blog, but looking back at these entries, i haven't changed that much. I still very much enjoy being inside a lot more than going out. (although i had a phase in 2019. it was part of my growth, we don't talk about it). But I still get the thrill whenever I'm meeting new people, or spending time with my friends, i still feel so unbelievably happy. I am still very much in love with all of my friends back in my hometown, and I am so unbelievably grateful that I get to have them in my life. I am so grateful that i get to have the giant that i get to call my boyfriend by my side, pulling me up and getting me out of bed when i am down, experiencing life with him and I cannot wait to see what the rest of my life has got for us. I can't wait to see where my friends go with their degrees and their relationships, and i can't wait to witness it all (i am now crying for the second time today, but now it's not of sadness exactly. more like a nostalgic happiness?) I think we have so much left in store for us because life can't be just this.

it can't be just working all day, feeling sad and dumb, feeling sorry for myself for not being up to my own standards, and then remembering that i need to be kinder to myself, that i need to be there for me as i am for everyone else. i'm enjoying life so much nowadays, that i forget that when i get sad, or when i can't get out of bed, or do anything but watch tiktoks, but the truth is that i'm surrounded by so many wonderful things and people that i know i just have to wait this out. i just have to keep holding on, however sad or down i might be, because eventually ill be okay again. ill start working on something i'm truly passionate about, the sun will come out of the clouds and we'll be able to go on walks to the park again, my head will stop hurting and ill be able to read again.

at 24, life isn't that bad, even at an all time low. so i just need to keep waiting until i'm all good again.

peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator

music of the day: better now, by maro

thet's the spirit

Bring me the Horizon latest album reminds me of cold mornings walks to school, mornings hanging out in the school hallway waiting for class, chatting with friends, with new friends. it reminds me of sitting at the entrance of the locker room before pe class started. it reminds me of meeting new people, making new friends, and reminds me of my peace of mind back then, the ingenuity i had, how young (not that young tho) i was and how changed i am. it reminds me of 10th grade, in a new school, with new and strange people. it reminds me of 11th grade, dating my ex, morning kisses and happy giggles and the now familiar faces of my friends. it reminds me of 12th grade, in a new house but in my old town. it reminds me of friendship and less happy but more genuine moments. i didn't know this album could bring me so many memories, but it does, it reminds me of these three amazing years where i grew and began to figure myself out. growing is great. painful, but great nonetheless.

About uni, three months later

heyo.
remember when i said that i crossed making out with a stranger out of my bucket list? since uni started (a whole two months ago whaaat) i've made out with a total of 2 (two) guys.
yeah
i'm that person now.
jk i'm not.
the first guy is a second year in my course and we just met that night at a dorm party and then we went out at night and we both got drunk out of our minds and we just kinda made out? and it was one of the most bizare funny experiences in my life. the whole things was just so weird? and funny? the day after things got weird, but that's okay because the week after i already had a new boy, also from my dorm. (the whole time we made out i could only think about how i wasn't kissing the first boy, but that's not important for now). it was weird and completely different, but hey, i got to make out with someone, not everything is bad. the week after we went out again and we made out again and yeah? he's a nice boy but i didn't feel like i did with brian. or the first boy in this story (let's call him leo).
continuing with our story. we're now in week four. there's no classes during this week, and the university had this festival thing with djs and performers and it was this whole party for four days. i bought the four-day-ticket and i went to three out of the four days. fast foward to the third day, thursday. i had planned to go to the party with a friend from the dorm, and we did our make up and we bought wine and stuff, and we were ready to go out. i get a message from mr leo asking when we were going to leave, because he was also going to the party thing. and so me, my friend, another girl from the dorm and leo go together to the party. it's half past midnight and we're walking to the metro station, drinking our wine and juice and i swear life. is. great.
i was tipsy when we arrived at the place where the whole thing was happening, and leo was kinda taking care of me, and meanwhile my friend got kidnapped by some other guys from my course and so I cling on to leo because guess what he's very attractive and I was tipsy. And so we enter the place, me, him and the other girl and I'm getting drunker by the minute. The world looks like it's spinning but we do shots and everything's fine. I find my girlfriends from uni, and suddenly I'm holding hands with leo and kissing him and it looks like everything is fine.
It wasn't fine, it was very rude of me to ditch my friends because of a boy bUT
But
After that day ended we found some more guys from the dorm and we all went home together. I was still with leo, but he was busy with a friend who was VERY drunk. And I was needy and drunk, and also I was missing home, so I started crying on the shoulders of a guy who also lives with us. We got home safe and we go to the kitchen to cook some eggs. It's seven am and me, Leo, the guy I cried with, and another boy from the dorm were the only ones in the kitchen, and we were there eating scrambled eggs and laughing. Honestly, I don't think I ever felt more alive.
With that day came many more nights. Many more parties, eating in the middle of the night, drinking and laughing and studying and watching dumb videos on YouTube. I found myself in the middle of this big group of uni students and I couldn't be more grateful. Living at the dorm has been such a great experience.
With that day also came leo. A sweet, mean, cute and VERY HANDSOME young man who I happen to like very much. Like, like like. It came out of nowhere, and it was all so subtle and smooth and natural that I'm still surprised I have these feelings. There was no doubting, no overthinking, no big deals. It was just me and him, spending time together, getting to know each other, and in between embraces, kisses and laughter I found out that I liked him. And I wouldn't want it any other way. It's such a weird and funny feeling, the way my heart races when I see him, but when I'm with him it feels like everything will be alright. I honestly never thought I would be able to feel this, but now, it feels like this is the right way to be feeling.
Classes have been going well, I say as I write this in the middle of my calculus class. The semester is almost over, and Christmas is right around the corner. I'm going to Lisbon in five days, and going home in eight. I have my lows (really big deep lows with a lot of anxiety) but I also have my highs, and my highs are usually the size of the empire state building. Maybe even better. I'm fine now, and I don't think I want it to change.

ANOTHER UPDATE AH

GUESS WHO STARTED UNI LAST WEEK SFOCUFEGNHTROJGJGVSEOÇRH
me
i started uni
hi

A lot of time has passed since the last time I wrote here, but i'm home for the weekend and I remembered the existence of this blog and so many new things are happening and I just wanted to spill it out.
So, number one. Brian is over. there's that. we talked about how i felt and how he felt and our feelings didn't match and i got over him.
(im starting to feel like this blog is just a place for me to write about my crushes seriously am i okay?)
number two. i turned 18 this august. that's right, your girl is finally legal OPPWJDFVBIREE. i had this birthday dinner thing and i had a lot of fun. i cried a bit about the future and i cried a bit because i have such great friends lmao i'm a mess help.
number three, and probably the most important. I got into uni in Porto. I'm studying electronics and computer engineering, a course similar, but different than the one i tried at the summer university back in 2015. The exciting part about this is the fact that i moved out of my parents house, of my city, and i'm now living in a dorm near my university. it's a thing that i always daydreamed about, and at the beggining of the year it started to become a possibility, and then it was on and off the table for the whole first half of 2017, and it was only in july, that i actually made the decision to go so far away from home. and now the first week of uni has passed, and we didn't actually have classes, so i just got the chance to meet and get to know the people from my course (we're 200. mainly guys. life is great). throughout this week a lot of people asked me  why i choose porto when i lived in the city of the students, and i always gave different answers. because uporto is so prestigious and i basically have a job as soon as i finish my degree. because of all the boys (jk). but tbh, remember when i wrote about how much i like going out ad experiencing new things and meeting new people? i guess that's the real reason why i decided to move. even though my first day was painfully awkward, i was still able to meet new people and as the week went by i got to talk to them and it's just IOHNDJWNEW i love these things okay. and also they're so nice and there's a lot of hot guys i'm blessed. we went to a party on thurday and i was with this group of people and we were having fun and then my wallet was stollen (!!!) and i just had a panic attack but they were all so conforting and i never thought they would like be so nice to a person they just met but they were and AINKDRGWIO it was one of the worst, but best nights. (also there's this guy but i don't have a crush on him it's way too soon but he's ridiculously good looking fuck) (also there's a fourth year in my course that looks just like alfie deyes WAAAAA )
long story short, my first week of uni has been a fucking rollercoaster, and i'm loving it.

song of the day: mic drop, by bts. a whole, full, great jam.

see ya frends.

happy update (to change things up lmao why do i always feel like shit)

long time no see blog.
how've you been? great? me too! kinda.
five months have passed and honestly i've missed writing so much.
i missed it so much but i kinda stopped. i'm busier, i have no time so i found another way to cope with all these videos.
(to the future me who's reading this, remember to check all those vlogs you have on your hard drive, they're kinda like spoken blog entries.)
a bunch has happened since i last wrote here. six months have passed (!!!). half a month.
i went out with my friends and got proper drunk. like completely wasted out of my ass. it was great. you know what happened? (i'm giggling as i write this jesus i hope i never forget this feeling) i made out with the twin brother of one of my friends, brian. saying this is always funny. the situation is not as funny tho. it's not a bad thing either lmao it's just something that happened and that i can now cross out of my bucket list. making out with a stranger.
the thing is
i always thought of myself as this cold hearted person who has friends and is able to laugh and make good memories but at the end of the day i don't really love anyone.
but then i realized that was a lie.
because this is my senior year, i'm trying to make as many memories as possible, get into as many project as possible, to make my last year on high school one of the best years of my life. so far i have succeded. even though i feel like shit a lot more often than usual (i don't even know what's going on with my brain lmao) i also feel a lot happier. i've been doing so much stuff that it makes me sad that the school is ending. remember when i talked about that summer university thing i did two years ago and how happy i was to be doing and learning so many new things and making so many new friends and meeting so many new people? i still love doing that, but now i kinda found my group of people to do these things with. i have my neighboors, who are up to going out whenever we want because we live so close to each other. it's so cool, and it's one of those things i could only dream about doing when i was younger, because i lived in the outskirts of the city for so long. and now i'm here and i'm making the most of it. i have my badminton friends, and they're great, honestly. just to think that at the beggining of 10th grade i was thinking of dropping badminton because i didn't have any friends makes me kinda sad. i'm so glad i stuck with it because i love playing badminton and i love hanging out with the people who play it as well. we're such a nice cool chill group of people and aaargh i just love hanging out with them. i love having friends. then we have my new class, which includes my bffffff michael (who also happens to turn 18 this friday the fifth, the date john broke up with me and also the day i moved to the sity (i've been in this house for a whole year whaaaat?)), and honestly they're great as well. i'm so glad i'm not in the same class as last year, because that meant having to be in the same class as john and honestly i think i wouldn't be as happy and as free as i am now if i wasn't in this class. it's not like we're all best friends or anything, but honestly they're such nice and cool people and i just like them a lot. then we have the robotics smart group of people. they're so cool. seriously. we went to a little robot tournment thing back in february and it was like a whole weekend of coding but also having fun and running around town and having freedom to do whatever we wanted. then this past weekend we had the national robotics open, which leads to the international robotics open in japan (if we had won i would be going to japan this summer :O) and it was another great experience. i can't stress enough how much i like these kinds of things where just a group of people meet up and do shit together. i imagine life in uni will be nothing like this, but honestly i like these things so much, and even if it takes more work in the future, i think i'll like it as well. we're a total of eight people, from the first weekend tournment and then the other girl left and two "new" guys entered and now i'm the only girl and i'ts very cool ngl. one of the new guy is brian. yes, the brian i made out with. yes the brian i may or may not have a crush on.
let's not forget about how much i like the robotics people, but now i need to talk about this guy.
so i always thought i was a cold hearted person right? i used to think "oh you'll be able to make out with a stranger and not grow attached to them" wrong. first things first brian is ridiculously good looking. seriously. how is it possible. also he has a very nice and deep voice. and he's very cool and just a generally cool person to hang out with. the thing is, i barely know him. back in march when we "met" after we kissed and i had to go he was asking for my number and asking if we could be friends and maybe more than that and i gave him my number but i tried (very drunkly) to explain that i was arromantic (for the record, i don't even know if i'm arromantic or not okay, i just felt sure back then) and he got the message and the next day when he texted me asking if my previous statment still prevailed, i said yes. so basically i rejected him. and now i regret it. i mean
i was being kinda honest. i have been looking up stuff about being arromantic, and i fit into like half of the things. but i want to love someone and honestly i can imagine myself in a relationship loving someone. but then at the same time i wake up every morning and i think to myself what it would be like if i had a boyfriend and if i would feel sofucated or just excited and i don't know how to explain this thing i feel in my heart (sometimes i just need to take a deep breath lmao).
then i think of this guy and how handsome he is and how NICE he is and i find myself wanting to know him better? is it just curiosity? is it lust because i had his lips once and now i want his whole body (wow this was weird)? is it the leo inside me wanting attention because once he wanted to get to know me better but know he doesn't give me that much attention?
I DON'T KNOW
i just
would like to get to know him better
and maybe kiss him again.
and i get butterflies when i think about him and it's probably just a stupid crush or i'm just desperate for attention i don't know
i just
get so happy randomly for no reason and i've been in such a good mood lately i'm so goddamn happy.
this weekend we're all going out for mike's bday and on sunday brian turns 18 as well, so that means he's going out as well (and all the other robotics people, and i'm happy that they're going as well wohoo) and i don't know. maybe i'll see him again? who knows (i really wish that happens tho)
but again, if it doesn't, it's fine because i'll be with jess after such a long time without seeing her and we'll have a sleepover and it'll be fucking great.
i honestly can't wait for this weekend jfc
also, i just hope to god my anxiety doesn't start to kick in like it did right before we had a school trip to lisbon and jess's birthday dinner a month ago. i was seriously so pumped to go to lisbon after such a long time and the day before i just stopped and felt like shit and it carried out for like two weeks or something. i'm so scared my brain pulls another prank on me and just decides that saturday is a good day to feel like shit. i don't want to ruin my night, or anyone's night. it's gonna be amazing and great and i can't wait, and i just pray that nothing ruins my mood.
that has been all that's been happening through the last six months, more or less (one of my friends i had a crush on actually developed a crush back, but the timing was shit soo yeah lmao so much for that).
i'm just in a happy mood these past few days and i hope i never forget how it feels to feel like this.
song of the FUCKING LIFE IDEK: that's how it goes, rusty clanton (such a happy feel good song i love it so so much), in the middle, dodie clark (a weird, unreleased, great song that i fell in love with yesterday), sunshine, toppdogg (THEY'RE SO GOOD AND THIS SONG MAKES ME SO HAPPY I JUST IUABDCJEWV)
this is all.
bye frends, i shall now go to the gym (i love the gym and working out and i'm getting strong and not putting on any weight and i think i'm finally coming to terms with and accepting my body yay!)
see yall later bYEE

10:50

porque é que ultimamente me tenho odiado tanto ao ponto de querer desaparecer da face da terra ou chorar ate que o mundo deixe de existir? será que é por estar com o periodo? sera que sao so as hormonas a mais a porem um nevoeiro na minha cabeça, fazendo me deixar de pensar como deve ser? nao sei em que e que hei de acreditar, nao sei em que e que hei de confiar, se em mim se nas opinioes dos outros. mas sei que devia confiar em mim e fazer o que quero mas ha sempre aquela parte de mim que ouve o que os outros dizem e pensam e se sente consciente de tudo aquilo que eles possam possivelmente vir a pensar, e eu gostava era de deixar de pensar e de deixar de me preocupar e ter ataques de ansiedade (sei la se e ansiedade por tudo o que sei posso ser so eu a ser estupida) e tambem gostava de deixar de me chamar tantos nomes e ser tao dura em mim mesma e de sentir pena de mim porque esse sempre foi o meu grande problema. sei que ainda nao me sei toda, mas nao e disso que se trata aqui, agora so me quero conhecer enquanto estou aqui, e so quero saber o que e suposto eu dizer e pensar e quero que toda a gente goste de mim e quero que eu goste de mim e nao quero que me odeiem nem me achem pita nem me achem que sou uma parva que so quer atençao, ainda que seja isso que eu sou, nem que sou mediocre. mas eu sou mediocre e tenho que aceitar que nao sei nada e que nunca vou conseguir fazer com que toda a gente pense bem de mim, e mesmo que pensem mal, porque e que isso tem de me afetar, ninguem me ataca, porque e que isso importa. nao estou completamente sozinha mas porque e que me sinto sempre a sufocar e a querer sempre mais mais amigos, mais ar, mais atençao, mais tudo mas quero chorar menos e começar a fazer mais sentido porque e que estas a chorar para para de pensar que daqui a cinco anos isto vai ser lindo porque nao e agora estas aqui e estas a sentir te como merda porque e que ter crushes tem que ser tao complicado e porque e que eu tenho que me sentir como uma merda porque e que nao posso deixar de sentir tenho nojo de mim propria e so quero nao ir a escola desapareceu toda a minha vontade de fazer o que quer que seja mas agora estou a escrever e ja nao fazia isto ha imenso tempo tinha saudades de escrever aqui so quero ser normal e como todas as outras pessoas e ter amigos e que gostassem de mim e que o meu cerebro aceitasse isso nao quero estar constantemente a preocupar me com likes e atençao e com se estou a fazer a coisa certa so quero ir a escola e ver se meto alguma nesta cabeça oca e superflua. quero deixar de gostar de kpop mas ao mesmo tempo quero continuar a gostar de kpop. nao quero sentir mne tao vazia e perdida e quero ter um rumo e quero ter vontade de fazer as coisas e quero parar de pensar tanto e racionalizar mais se e que isto fez sentido.

sorry that this was in portuguese. it didn't make any sense for me either. no one reads this anyway. i had a little cry, but i'm okay now. here's to the future.

pissed off

"quero que vocês cuidem bem das minhas miúdas e lembrem se se aparecerem outras nunca serão tão boas como estas"
"i want you to take good care of my girls and remember that if other's come around, they'll never be as good as the one's you have right now"

i'm pissed off.
why did i think that reading old messages from the times me and john were still together was a good idea? because i'm pissed off now. i guess i have sort of a right to be. i've been pushing back these feelings for a while, so i'm just letting it all go.
that quote you just read up there was written by john's best friend, sarah, when her boyfriend broke up with her back in january/february (i can't remember). long story short, john has this really close group of male friends, and some of them have girlfriends, and sarah happens to be a girlfriend to this guy AND john's bff. and so everyone was friends and we had a facebook group chat. when the guy broke up with sarah, she wrote this long ass text in the gc saying goodbye. up there is one of the things she said. i didn't really pay attention to it then, but now that i'm alone, i saw it with other eyes.
so, this is to you buddy, the one i trusted the most, but i only realized it now.

why didn't you listen to your best friend and held on to what you had? why couldn't you see how great i was and seriously, why didn't you give me enough value? i was always to one who did things first, but why didn't you even try? why did you left me thinking, worrying for weeks about our relationship, about how maybe i wasn't enough, about how maybe i wasn't doing the right thing? i'm mad at you for breaking up with me, no matter how stupid this sounds. i don't want you back. i'm over it. i'm over you. but i'm not over these feelings you left in me, the memories, the trust. goddamnit i think that's what i miss the most. i miss knowing there was someone who i could bother with my problems at any time, and knowing that you cared. but now it's all gone. now i'm left alone to my own thoughts. why couldn't you love me more.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you were still here. at times i thought i was gonna be with you forever, but now that i look at it, it's not that bad that i'm not with you. however, i still wonder. little things in my daily life that i would probably text you about. this song that i heard. how could the river water is. when our next date would be. you broke with me at the worst timing, right before i moved to the city. i have more freedom now. maybe we would be able to see each other more often. who knows. maybe you would still be loving me.
i guess what i'm most mad about is how you started liking someone while you were still with me. i don't count it as cheating, but in my heart it hurts as much. it feeds my goddamn stupid insecurities, how i wasn't enough. hot enough. interesting enough. mature enough. how she's so much better than me, obviously you would end up losing interest in me and going to her. you were meant to be. she likes you so much more, she treats you so much better. she's so mature and smart, and she's older. she's pretty, and she can do make up really well. she probably understands you way better than i did. she probably doesn't bother you so much about her problems, she probably listens to you more instead of talking so much. maybe she doesn't suffucate you like i did.
but i'm getting out of line, i'm starting to get mad at myself, and the goal here was to take this all of my chest. i still mad at you for not trying more, for letting her into your heart, for not giving me enough value, for not talking to me, for ignoring me, for playing these little stupid games that were all just fun but were secretely ruining what we had, for being so goddamn stubborn, and full of pride.
i'm mad at you for ruining my favorite songs and my favorite smells and my favorite places and my favorite people. i let you in my life and now i want you out but no matter what there's always something that reminds me of you and i'm so goddamn pissed right now. i don't want you back, i just wish we didn't break up because i had trust and i had someone and i was stable and i was happier with my morning kiss and my random texts and you brought some spice but now it's gone and i'm fine, seriously, but sometimes i just miss it so much. i miss having you, i miss being your girl, i miss your smell and i miss your hugs and your lips.
or maybe i just miss being someone's girl. maybe i just miss the smell of soap and cookies and cheap detergent. maybe i just miss being hugged or kissed.
these three months that i've been away from school are doing me so good, but at the same time i can't wait to get back to school. but then i remember school means you and i hate that you ruined my cold mornings waiting for the pe teacher to arrive, my lunch breaks spent in the cafeteria playing on my phone, the presentations we had to do, i hate it all now because you ruined it and it's painful and i liked how it was before.

but it's fine. i'm fine. i'm happy that you're happy, and i'm happy now. i have my ways with coping with the "pain". i know that next year i'll be in uni laughing my ass off about this no good relationship that i had and how much it affected me. i guess i'll grow for it.
honestly, i can't wait to see what the future holds. and i'm damn happy with the fact you're not in it.

song of the day: i'm not sorry, by dean ft. eric bellinger