pissed off

"quero que vocês cuidem bem das minhas miúdas e lembrem se se aparecerem outras nunca serão tão boas como estas"
"i want you to take good care of my girls and remember that if other's come around, they'll never be as good as the one's you have right now"

i'm pissed off.
why did i think that reading old messages from the times me and john were still together was a good idea? because i'm pissed off now. i guess i have sort of a right to be. i've been pushing back these feelings for a while, so i'm just letting it all go.
that quote you just read up there was written by john's best friend, sarah, when her boyfriend broke up with her back in january/february (i can't remember). long story short, john has this really close group of male friends, and some of them have girlfriends, and sarah happens to be a girlfriend to this guy AND john's bff. and so everyone was friends and we had a facebook group chat. when the guy broke up with sarah, she wrote this long ass text in the gc saying goodbye. up there is one of the things she said. i didn't really pay attention to it then, but now that i'm alone, i saw it with other eyes.
so, this is to you buddy, the one i trusted the most, but i only realized it now.

why didn't you listen to your best friend and held on to what you had? why couldn't you see how great i was and seriously, why didn't you give me enough value? i was always to one who did things first, but why didn't you even try? why did you left me thinking, worrying for weeks about our relationship, about how maybe i wasn't enough, about how maybe i wasn't doing the right thing? i'm mad at you for breaking up with me, no matter how stupid this sounds. i don't want you back. i'm over it. i'm over you. but i'm not over these feelings you left in me, the memories, the trust. goddamnit i think that's what i miss the most. i miss knowing there was someone who i could bother with my problems at any time, and knowing that you cared. but now it's all gone. now i'm left alone to my own thoughts. why couldn't you love me more.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you were still here. at times i thought i was gonna be with you forever, but now that i look at it, it's not that bad that i'm not with you. however, i still wonder. little things in my daily life that i would probably text you about. this song that i heard. how could the river water is. when our next date would be. you broke with me at the worst timing, right before i moved to the city. i have more freedom now. maybe we would be able to see each other more often. who knows. maybe you would still be loving me.
i guess what i'm most mad about is how you started liking someone while you were still with me. i don't count it as cheating, but in my heart it hurts as much. it feeds my goddamn stupid insecurities, how i wasn't enough. hot enough. interesting enough. mature enough. how she's so much better than me, obviously you would end up losing interest in me and going to her. you were meant to be. she likes you so much more, she treats you so much better. she's so mature and smart, and she's older. she's pretty, and she can do make up really well. she probably understands you way better than i did. she probably doesn't bother you so much about her problems, she probably listens to you more instead of talking so much. maybe she doesn't suffucate you like i did.
but i'm getting out of line, i'm starting to get mad at myself, and the goal here was to take this all of my chest. i still mad at you for not trying more, for letting her into your heart, for not giving me enough value, for not talking to me, for ignoring me, for playing these little stupid games that were all just fun but were secretely ruining what we had, for being so goddamn stubborn, and full of pride.
i'm mad at you for ruining my favorite songs and my favorite smells and my favorite places and my favorite people. i let you in my life and now i want you out but no matter what there's always something that reminds me of you and i'm so goddamn pissed right now. i don't want you back, i just wish we didn't break up because i had trust and i had someone and i was stable and i was happier with my morning kiss and my random texts and you brought some spice but now it's gone and i'm fine, seriously, but sometimes i just miss it so much. i miss having you, i miss being your girl, i miss your smell and i miss your hugs and your lips.
or maybe i just miss being someone's girl. maybe i just miss the smell of soap and cookies and cheap detergent. maybe i just miss being hugged or kissed.
these three months that i've been away from school are doing me so good, but at the same time i can't wait to get back to school. but then i remember school means you and i hate that you ruined my cold mornings waiting for the pe teacher to arrive, my lunch breaks spent in the cafeteria playing on my phone, the presentations we had to do, i hate it all now because you ruined it and it's painful and i liked how it was before.

but it's fine. i'm fine. i'm happy that you're happy, and i'm happy now. i have my ways with coping with the "pain". i know that next year i'll be in uni laughing my ass off about this no good relationship that i had and how much it affected me. i guess i'll grow for it.
honestly, i can't wait to see what the future holds. and i'm damn happy with the fact you're not in it.

song of the day: i'm not sorry, by dean ft. eric bellinger