how did i end up here

I want to rip the skin of my face and of my body and just leave me with my flesh and bones because that’s exactly how I feel right now. Exposed, naked, fragile. Weak. I don’t know this person I’ve become. I’ve became more confident over the time with my body, but I think that now the problem is my personality, and I have no fucking idea who I am anymore. And I hate this person living inside me, and I want to take of my skin and lay under all my blankets and let this person go and feel completely empty. Empty and nothing more. I don’t want to feel a single thing. I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of myself and not doing anything to change, but I don’t know how to change and I’m too fucking selfish to ask for help, because I want to feel exposed alone, I want to be alone, without any judging eyes but mine, because I can deal with those pretty well. I can hate myself, but I can’t bear the thought of anyone else hating me because I can deal with myself. I can’t deal with people. How do I make friends, how am I nice? How do I conquer someone’s trust? I don’t know. Should I just be myself? What if myself isn’t enough? I hate myself, how can anyone else like me? They can, that’s the thing. So I create this thing, this secondary human that’s what I would like to be and what I think other people would like. But I messed up the coding, because the end product is nothing like what I had expected, it deteriorated so fast, it became an even worse person than I ever thought was possible. And now that I’m trying to let go of this awful secondary person, I’m left with the selfish, pitiful part of myself, the part of myself that I despise the most. I hate being weak, I like being badass, but people don’t like that. Dad doesn’t like that. My friends don’t like that. I hate it. And now I’m crying and my vision is blurry and if I was driving it would just be so easy to swerve of the driveway and end everything. Here in the real world everything is hard, there’s feelings and responsibilities and other people to judge you and to hate you and I don’t like it. I want to go back to my bubble of happiness and loneliness, away from everyone, just being lazy old me.

But I don’t even know who I am anymore, so I can’t just be me, can I?