the quiet

hello.
i'm fine. thanks for asking. how are you?
actually.
no.
i'm not fine.
i don't know.
i came back from dublin last tuesday. i hate tuesdays. always have.
dublin was great. except for the last day. the last day wasn't great.
my brain did a thing. i don't know what it was. was it a panic attack? was it derrealisation? i don't know. i thought i was going to die. maybe i exagerated a bit. maybe i was fine. maybe it was my way of calling for attetion. maybe i just didn't want to leave dublin. i cried a lot. i don't know why i cried. john hugged me. i really like john's hugs. i miss john. i'll only see him in two weeks. does he miss me? i don't know.
i always thought i'd be part of those couples where we communicated a lot.
look where i am now.
in the unknown.
i bought a book called "reasons to stay alive" at the airport before coming back to portugal. i finished reading it today.
it was genius and eye opening and thought provoking.
it's about depression.
am i depressed?
i don't know.
should i ask someone?
maybe.
why don't i ask someone?
i'm sixteen. why would i be depressed.
i slept for fourteen hours yesterday.
i love sleeping.
i'm sleepy.
i'm addicted to that k-pop group.
bts.
i have that phobia that everyone hates me. or just doesn't like having me around. or maybe it's me that doesn't like having other people around. i miss john.
why am i crying?

song of the day life: nevermind, by bts. just. go search the english tranlation. just. do it. i love that song so fucking much it's probably not healthy anymore. goddamnit.



life update, two years later:
that thing i experienced was the beggining of me not feeling well, headwise. i don't know what it it, but sometimes i'm just sad. sometimes i'm really, really damn happy with no particular reason, but a lot of times i'm just sad and feeling like shit and most likely crying. that thing that happened in dublin was the first time i guess that i realized that i didn't know why i was crying, and because it was such a new and unfamiliar situation my brain just kinda, overreacted. it was awful for me and for everyone around me because no one understood what was happening. i don't know if it's normal or not for me to have these highs and lows so often, and to have them be so intense at times, but i guess i'm understanding them a bit better as time goes by. it's called growing and trust me, it's better if you have people around to support you on your lows and raise you even more in your highs.
sayonaara ma frends