the quiet

hello.
i'm fine. thanks for asking. how are you?
actually.
no.
i'm not fine.
i don't know.
i came back from dublin last tuesday. i hate tuesdays. always have.
dublin was great. except for the last day. the last day wasn't great.
my brain did a thing. i don't know what it was. was it a panic attack? was it derrealisation? i don't know. i thought i was going to die. maybe i exagerated a bit. maybe i was fine. maybe it was my way of calling for attetion. maybe i just didn't want to leave dublin. i cried a lot. i don't know why i cried. john hugged me. i really like john's hugs. i miss john. i'll only see him in two weeks. does he miss me? i don't know.
i always thought i'd be part of those couples where we communicated a lot.
look where i am now.
in the unknown.
i bought a book called "reasons to stay alive" at the airport before coming back to portugal. i finished reading it today.
it was genius and eye opening and thought provoking.
it's about depression.
am i depressed?
i don't know.
should i ask someone?
maybe.
why don't i ask someone?
i'm sixteen. why would i be depressed.
i slept for fourteen hours yesterday.
i love sleeping.
i'm sleepy.
i'm addicted to that k-pop group.
bts.
i have that phobia that everyone hates me. or just doesn't like having me around. or maybe it's me that doesn't like having other people around. i miss john.
why am i crying?

song of the day life: nevermind, by bts. just. go search the english tranlation. just. do it. i love that song so fucking much it's probably not healthy anymore. goddamnit.



life update, two years later:
that thing i experienced was the beggining of me not feeling well, headwise. i don't know what it it, but sometimes i'm just sad. sometimes i'm really, really damn happy with no particular reason, but a lot of times i'm just sad and feeling like shit and most likely crying. that thing that happened in dublin was the first time i guess that i realized that i didn't know why i was crying, and because it was such a new and unfamiliar situation my brain just kinda, overreacted. it was awful for me and for everyone around me because no one understood what was happening. i don't know if it's normal or not for me to have these highs and lows so often, and to have them be so intense at times, but i guess i'm understanding them a bit better as time goes by. it's called growing and trust me, it's better if you have people around to support you on your lows and raise you even more in your highs.
sayonaara ma frends

FUCKING NEW YEAR'S EVE GOT ME INSPIRED

Hey!
So, 2015 is ending, and I obviously had to make a blog post about it because a) I haven't posted in a while b)I'm feeling creative and c) 2015 was a weird one.
I can barely remember how it started, because I have the memory of a goldfish, but I do remember I wasn't in such a good place through the last three months of 2014. But I think that I started to get better in 2015. It was a pretty normal, uneventful beginning of year. I ended tenth grade with good grades and everything was okay. And then summer great, and oh boy, were things great. I went to so many places, met so many new people, learned so many new things, I grew up, and I wouldn't change a things. I did so many new things and I was so happy, and I have never felt more alive than then. Summer '15 was so much better than summer '14, and I was a really happy person in '14, so you can only imagine what I was like. It was such a big surprise because 10th grade didn't start well, and I distanced from James and Ian and the things that made me happy that year that I thought that I wouldn't feel that happiness again. And I didn't feel that happiness. I felt so much more than happiness, I created so many memories, and that's why it was so great. I lived outside my bedroom walls, and it wasn't as bad as they made it seem. Then eleventh grade began, and school began, and John began, and then I wasn't so happy because I thought that having a boyfriend wasn't for me. I broke up with him. And then I realized that I was wrong and we got back together and everything is okay and we've been dating for two months and im pretty sure i love him okay can we stop talking about this now?
2015 was a great overall. I experienced so many new things, and I can't wait to see what next year has in store for me. And I know, that sounds really cheesy and cliche, but I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, and that's a sentence I thought I wouldn't ever say a year ago. So much has changed and I'm so glad for it. I realized I actually like change, and that's great.
Really.
So now I'm off to put up with overly excited people when I'd rather be with John and the rest of this new group of people that I became friends with and they're really cool. I hate new years, I think it's fucking ridiculous how we make such a big deal out of the change of one day. I think it's a good time to think about all the shit you've done throughout the year, but it's not because another 365 days have passed that this is the only day to make a change in our lives, to start something new. It's stupid. Today is as good of a day to change, as is tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. We let the rotation of our planet determine our lives, but fucking hell, we're the ones living it, we're the ones in control. I've made my new years resolutions already, goals that I want to achieve next year, because I didn't achieve them this year. They're reminders of the things that are most important to me, and also, I love making lists. And it's a tradition. But it's just dumb how we cling onto this date, how we use it as an excuse to seek our dreams this year like this is our last chance. It's not. Tomorrow is a day as well. Life doesn't have a fucking expiration date, and we don't need to be dictated by numbers we call days. Time is just a concept we created, if you think about it, it doesn't really affect anything, does it?

I watched mr. robot in a day and that's officially my new favorite tv show. As well as Quantico. I watched that in an afternoon. I'm going mad. I finished got. Finally. I'm happy.

Song of the day/year i guess: Revolt, by muse. That's one hell of a good song, and I think it sums up my year pretty well.

See ya later alligator,
Lorac xx

life update because i'm so fucking interesting

So, the past few posts have been kinda sad and down, so I thought I’d make a happier post to break the chain. Also because I haven’t posted in a while. I guess.

Guess who got a boyfriend? I bought it at target for 2,99$, it was a great deal.

Jokes.

There’s not even a target in Portugal.

But yes.

Lorac is not single anymore.

And no, I’m not dating James, much to the sadness of 14-year-old me. His name is JOHN CENAAAAAAA TOO TOOROTOOOOO

Not, he’s not John Cena, but he is the John that I talked about that went with us to the little town festival at night. Yes. That John.

Thinking about it now, anyone who reads this might think that it was all too sudden, and I didn’t talk about him enough on the blog. I haven’t. I was actually too busy living to post it in the blog. But the posts about trying to be nicer and wanting to rip the skin of my face were about stuff that happened with him. Yeah, we didn’t start off that good. Stuff happened in this past weekend. But everything’s fine now, I guess. More than fine, actually.

The thing is (I say this expression a lot, I need to stop), we started dating four days ago (WOOP WOOP LONGEST REALATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD IT’S A RECORD WOOP WOOP) but we knew we liked each other for some time. And then stuff got weird. And then it got fine. I don’t want to go into detail because, even though this is my blog and sorta my journal, there’s just stuff I can’t write about. At least for now.

But I think I like him way too much. I can’t keep my hands of him, and I can’t stop thinking about him, and wanting to kiss him and breathe him in, and I’ve never liked anyone this was before, and everything is so new, and what if I’m feeling too much too fast? What if this is just a thing in the spur in the moment, and before we know it it’s gone? I don’t want it to be gone. I want this to last for a while, at least. I feel so good and happy when I’m with him, and when I talk to him, and I keep thinking that I only like his attention, but my mum said I’m just overthinking and I should just go with the flow. So I guess that’s what I’ll do, and when I get to wherever the flows taking me, I’ll tell you more about it.

I don’t think I’m in love. I don’t wanna think I’m in love because it’s still too fucking soon plus previous ‘relationship experiences’ make me doubt every single fucking thing my brain produces. I know I like him. A lot. And I know I want to go to FUCKING DUBLIN WITH HIM AND MY FRIENDS AAAAHHH THREE NIGHTS IN IRELAND CAN YOU FEEL MY HAPPINESS I’VE NEVER FLEW BEFORE, SO THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME but there’s the slight chance of me not going. So that’s sad.

So I’m not single anymore. That sucks. I was just starting to love the single life. Oh well. I guess John makes up for it.

And jfc that boy has the dirtiest mind ever, this is what I have to deal with daily he’s such a jerk I like him a lot.

Also we’re in the same class. Everyone tries to grab him to make me feel jealous. I feel jealous. They succeeded. My maths teacher teased us today.

Life is weird. I love it.

Song of the day: the whole ‘Black Lines’ album. Mayday Parade’s new album is just so fucking great, jfc I love it to death. My favorite song has to be one of them will destroy the other. It’s so great. Also I can play letting go on the acoustic guitar and it sounds so beautiful. And Drive, by Halsey, pretty much describes my life. Halsey is great.

Peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator xx

PS-this post is just an update for future me that’ll be reading through this blog in two years time and regretting all my life choices I’m making right now. I’m sorry. I’m having too much fun to stop now.

PPS- also expect a lot of lovesick teenager posts because I feel really creative right now. Mainly to write in Portuguese, which is my native language, but something in English may come out of this brain of mine, so I’m sorry in advance if I make you vomit because of my disgustingly cute words.

Kay baii

how did i end up here

I want to rip the skin of my face and of my body and just leave me with my flesh and bones because that’s exactly how I feel right now. Exposed, naked, fragile. Weak. I don’t know this person I’ve become. I’ve became more confident over the time with my body, but I think that now the problem is my personality, and I have no fucking idea who I am anymore. And I hate this person living inside me, and I want to take of my skin and lay under all my blankets and let this person go and feel completely empty. Empty and nothing more. I don’t want to feel a single thing. I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of myself and not doing anything to change, but I don’t know how to change and I’m too fucking selfish to ask for help, because I want to feel exposed alone, I want to be alone, without any judging eyes but mine, because I can deal with those pretty well. I can hate myself, but I can’t bear the thought of anyone else hating me because I can deal with myself. I can’t deal with people. How do I make friends, how am I nice? How do I conquer someone’s trust? I don’t know. Should I just be myself? What if myself isn’t enough? I hate myself, how can anyone else like me? They can, that’s the thing. So I create this thing, this secondary human that’s what I would like to be and what I think other people would like. But I messed up the coding, because the end product is nothing like what I had expected, it deteriorated so fast, it became an even worse person than I ever thought was possible. And now that I’m trying to let go of this awful secondary person, I’m left with the selfish, pitiful part of myself, the part of myself that I despise the most. I hate being weak, I like being badass, but people don’t like that. Dad doesn’t like that. My friends don’t like that. I hate it. And now I’m crying and my vision is blurry and if I was driving it would just be so easy to swerve of the driveway and end everything. Here in the real world everything is hard, there’s feelings and responsibilities and other people to judge you and to hate you and I don’t like it. I want to go back to my bubble of happiness and loneliness, away from everyone, just being lazy old me.

But I don’t even know who I am anymore, so I can’t just be me, can I?

not worth reading

i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i lived in the city. i wish i were more interesting. i wish i could go out at night and go to festivals and make memories. i wish i was more confident. i wish i wasn't so insecure that all my friends are going to leave me for their friends, who happen to be so much cooler than me. i wish i liked myself more. i wish my legs were skinnier. i wish i didn't have a big butt. i was my stomach was flat. i wish i had the motivation to work out. i wish i loved my body. truly. i wish i had more money. i wish i could love the shows my friends watch. i wish i didn't spend all my time on youtube. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i could talk to my friends. i wish i knew myself better than i do. i wish i knew wether i'm actually bisexual or not, or if it's just a phase. i wish my dad didn't hate me. i wish my dad were normal. i wish he'd stop judging everything. i wish everyone would stop judging me. i wish i would stop thinking that anyone is judging me right now. i wish i wasn't crying right now. i wish my body didn't ache from some stupid weird reason. i wish i could sleep more. i wish i had more motivation. i wish i was braver. i wish i was creative. i wish i didn't feel like there's two someone's in my head, constantly battling over my brain. one keeps bringing me down, and is realistic, and the other is more positive and happy. i think right now they're fighting. they're having a really huge fight. i wish my parents didn't fight. i wish i could just move out and live by myself and have a job and have my life figured out. i wish i wasn't crying so hard right now. i wish i wasn't posting all this shit on my blog instead of trying to solve my issues. i wish i wasn't sad right now. i'm not sad. i hate being sad. i wish i could say this stuff out loud to someone without sounding whiny. i wish i wasn't so confused. i wish things went my way. i wish i could stop wanting things when i'm well aware that money runs short right now. i wish money didn't run short right now. i wish this pimple in my eyebrow didn't hurt so much. i wish people around me realized how nice their lives actually are. i wish i realized that. i wish i stopped wishing being anybody else. i wish i could stop wishing stuff. i wish i was a youtuber. i wish time would slow down. i wish school wasn't right around the corner. i hate school. i wish i didn't have social media, and that  didn't know people, so that i could stop comparing my actually kinda nice life to other people's lives. i wish i wasn't so self centered and fake. i wish i wasn't a bitch and i wish i was nice to people. for real.
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx

Rant

Hey!
I've never been a nice person. I mean, I care about my friends and their well being. But I hate physical contact and when someone tells me they love me. And I also apparently treat people like trash.
I don't treat people like trash. I just call them loads of names and pretend like I don't care.
Here's a secret: I do.
And a lot.
I just discovered this recently. I'm not the type to care. Or miss someone. Or feel hurt by someone's words. But recently they get to me. And I miss people.
Still, I put on this mask that I'm superior to everyone and that everyone is an idiot except for me. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe I should try and treat people more kindly? No, not more kindly. I like to think that I am kind. I do care, and I do try and make sure everyone is feeling alright. But maybe I should cut on the name calling and on the cold hearted bitch façade.
However, I've been putting on this façade for so long, it has become part of who I am. Obviously I don't think I'm superior to anyone, it's actually the contrary. But I find myself saying these things like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're *insert bad name*, and that's not nice. To have to talk to someone that keeps calling you names and attacking you constantly is not okay. I think everyone that I talk to knows that I'm just joking, but still. It's tiring. And it's not a nice thing to say slash write. So maybe I should try and be more nice. And stop calling people all these bad stuff.
But then again, that's the way I am. It's part of this character I've built throughout the years, this cute and kind person that is actually pretty aggressive and sassy. But maybe it's time to stop it.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the endless bad words and be nicer. More interesting.
I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm just really good at hiding it.
I don't even know what this is. I don't really care by now, I'm just bored out of my mind, and writing this stuff seems to help.
Also, my birthday was two days ago and now I'm kinda down. Don't know why. I don't even have motivation to watch GoT. Anyways.
Song of the post: I Found, by Amber Run. This music is magical.
Peace out dragons, and I'll see you later alligator.
Lorac xx

Birthdays and time

Hey!
You know when you miss someone so fucking much your heart aches for the next time you'll see them. And you can't stop thinking about the next time you'll meet the other person's eyes and hug them. It doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. Oh no. I'm talking about friends here. About the beautiful thing that is having a group of human being for whom you care so much that you'd live for them. No, I didn't get it wrong, and yes, I just made a twenty one pilots reference. Because everyone can be selfless enough to die for another person. To put their lives over your own. To save them. But it's kinda hard to live for them, to be alive for them, because you know it'll make them happy, because they feel the exact same way about you, and they love you just as much as you do. It's also hard to be selfish enough to live because you couldn't bear to not be with that other person, that other group of people who you care about so deeply that you feel a tightness in your chest, and you feel happy when they accomplish something big, happier than if it was you the one who accomplished. You'd go out of your way just to make sure theirs is the best one.
You'd do anything for them.

With my birthday being in seven days, I can't help but feel more than excited for the fact that I'll be seeing some of the most important people to me. And it makes me so unbelievably happy that they'll go out of their way to celebrate my day with me, when they could be doing anything else. And I know that birthdays mean nothing, and that it's just another day. But not for me. Birthdays have always been an excuse to do stuff out of the ordinary. To have my family around, to have dinner in a place other than my house, to visit my family in Lisbon, or for them to come visit me, to have my friends around, to do different stuff. (to get presents)(yes, call me a self centered bitch all you want, that's not exactly news)(and who doesn't love getting presents)(and I also love giving them, so I guess it's fine)(but I'm still a self centered bitch)
And also, you're celebrating the fact that you have survived another year. Still alive, and still going. And I think that celebrating life is one of the greatest things ever. And if it makes you happy, it's even better.
I've always been one of the only people I knew that loves getting older and celebrating my birthdays. Everyone is just, kinda scared to grow up and wants to not have responsabilities forever, and I've always been scared that maybe I was supposed to not want to grow up. But then I read somewhere that you're only scared of growing up because you fear that you won't do all the things you want before you die. But I'm not scare of that, I firmly believe that I'll do everything on my bucket list before I die, and that I'll live a happy and full live, no matter how old I am. Age shouldn't be a restriction and you should just accept the fact that you're growing up and move on. As long as you forget that you're going to die some day, you are immortal. And, even tho the fact that the end is nearer as the days go by has been trying to enter my mind slowly, it's still not quite there yet. So for now, I'm still immortal, and I still have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck I want.
Also, because my birthday is during the summer holidays, it's just an excuse to see everyone I adore and for them to come and love me, because usually during summer I turn into something that never gets out of the house to see their friends. Although that has been changing since this summer. But not quite.

So yeah. I'm getting old and that's the least of my problems.
Song of the post: One for the road, By Dodie Clark. (no, it's not the arctic monkeys song, although that's a pretty good one as well) This song is just so empowering and it makes me really really happy.

See ya later alligator. Also, peace out dragons.