10:50

porque é que ultimamente me tenho odiado tanto ao ponto de querer desaparecer da face da terra ou chorar ate que o mundo deixe de existir? será que é por estar com o periodo? sera que sao so as hormonas a mais a porem um nevoeiro na minha cabeça, fazendo me deixar de pensar como deve ser? nao sei em que e que hei de acreditar, nao sei em que e que hei de confiar, se em mim se nas opinioes dos outros. mas sei que devia confiar em mim e fazer o que quero mas ha sempre aquela parte de mim que ouve o que os outros dizem e pensam e se sente consciente de tudo aquilo que eles possam possivelmente vir a pensar, e eu gostava era de deixar de pensar e de deixar de me preocupar e ter ataques de ansiedade (sei la se e ansiedade por tudo o que sei posso ser so eu a ser estupida) e tambem gostava de deixar de me chamar tantos nomes e ser tao dura em mim mesma e de sentir pena de mim porque esse sempre foi o meu grande problema. sei que ainda nao me sei toda, mas nao e disso que se trata aqui, agora so me quero conhecer enquanto estou aqui, e so quero saber o que e suposto eu dizer e pensar e quero que toda a gente goste de mim e quero que eu goste de mim e nao quero que me odeiem nem me achem pita nem me achem que sou uma parva que so quer atençao, ainda que seja isso que eu sou, nem que sou mediocre. mas eu sou mediocre e tenho que aceitar que nao sei nada e que nunca vou conseguir fazer com que toda a gente pense bem de mim, e mesmo que pensem mal, porque e que isso tem de me afetar, ninguem me ataca, porque e que isso importa. nao estou completamente sozinha mas porque e que me sinto sempre a sufocar e a querer sempre mais mais amigos, mais ar, mais atençao, mais tudo mas quero chorar menos e começar a fazer mais sentido porque e que estas a chorar para para de pensar que daqui a cinco anos isto vai ser lindo porque nao e agora estas aqui e estas a sentir te como merda porque e que ter crushes tem que ser tao complicado e porque e que eu tenho que me sentir como uma merda porque e que nao posso deixar de sentir tenho nojo de mim propria e so quero nao ir a escola desapareceu toda a minha vontade de fazer o que quer que seja mas agora estou a escrever e ja nao fazia isto ha imenso tempo tinha saudades de escrever aqui so quero ser normal e como todas as outras pessoas e ter amigos e que gostassem de mim e que o meu cerebro aceitasse isso nao quero estar constantemente a preocupar me com likes e atençao e com se estou a fazer a coisa certa so quero ir a escola e ver se meto alguma nesta cabeça oca e superflua. quero deixar de gostar de kpop mas ao mesmo tempo quero continuar a gostar de kpop. nao quero sentir mne tao vazia e perdida e quero ter um rumo e quero ter vontade de fazer as coisas e quero parar de pensar tanto e racionalizar mais se e que isto fez sentido.

sorry that this was in portuguese. it didn't make any sense for me either. no one reads this anyway. i had a little cry, but i'm okay now. here's to the future.

pissed off

"quero que vocês cuidem bem das minhas miúdas e lembrem se se aparecerem outras nunca serão tão boas como estas"
"i want you to take good care of my girls and remember that if other's come around, they'll never be as good as the one's you have right now"

i'm pissed off.
why did i think that reading old messages from the times me and john were still together was a good idea? because i'm pissed off now. i guess i have sort of a right to be. i've been pushing back these feelings for a while, so i'm just letting it all go.
that quote you just read up there was written by john's best friend, sarah, when her boyfriend broke up with her back in january/february (i can't remember). long story short, john has this really close group of male friends, and some of them have girlfriends, and sarah happens to be a girlfriend to this guy AND john's bff. and so everyone was friends and we had a facebook group chat. when the guy broke up with sarah, she wrote this long ass text in the gc saying goodbye. up there is one of the things she said. i didn't really pay attention to it then, but now that i'm alone, i saw it with other eyes.
so, this is to you buddy, the one i trusted the most, but i only realized it now.

why didn't you listen to your best friend and held on to what you had? why couldn't you see how great i was and seriously, why didn't you give me enough value? i was always to one who did things first, but why didn't you even try? why did you left me thinking, worrying for weeks about our relationship, about how maybe i wasn't enough, about how maybe i wasn't doing the right thing? i'm mad at you for breaking up with me, no matter how stupid this sounds. i don't want you back. i'm over it. i'm over you. but i'm not over these feelings you left in me, the memories, the trust. goddamnit i think that's what i miss the most. i miss knowing there was someone who i could bother with my problems at any time, and knowing that you cared. but now it's all gone. now i'm left alone to my own thoughts. why couldn't you love me more.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you were still here. at times i thought i was gonna be with you forever, but now that i look at it, it's not that bad that i'm not with you. however, i still wonder. little things in my daily life that i would probably text you about. this song that i heard. how could the river water is. when our next date would be. you broke with me at the worst timing, right before i moved to the city. i have more freedom now. maybe we would be able to see each other more often. who knows. maybe you would still be loving me.
i guess what i'm most mad about is how you started liking someone while you were still with me. i don't count it as cheating, but in my heart it hurts as much. it feeds my goddamn stupid insecurities, how i wasn't enough. hot enough. interesting enough. mature enough. how she's so much better than me, obviously you would end up losing interest in me and going to her. you were meant to be. she likes you so much more, she treats you so much better. she's so mature and smart, and she's older. she's pretty, and she can do make up really well. she probably understands you way better than i did. she probably doesn't bother you so much about her problems, she probably listens to you more instead of talking so much. maybe she doesn't suffucate you like i did.
but i'm getting out of line, i'm starting to get mad at myself, and the goal here was to take this all of my chest. i still mad at you for not trying more, for letting her into your heart, for not giving me enough value, for not talking to me, for ignoring me, for playing these little stupid games that were all just fun but were secretely ruining what we had, for being so goddamn stubborn, and full of pride.
i'm mad at you for ruining my favorite songs and my favorite smells and my favorite places and my favorite people. i let you in my life and now i want you out but no matter what there's always something that reminds me of you and i'm so goddamn pissed right now. i don't want you back, i just wish we didn't break up because i had trust and i had someone and i was stable and i was happier with my morning kiss and my random texts and you brought some spice but now it's gone and i'm fine, seriously, but sometimes i just miss it so much. i miss having you, i miss being your girl, i miss your smell and i miss your hugs and your lips.
or maybe i just miss being someone's girl. maybe i just miss the smell of soap and cookies and cheap detergent. maybe i just miss being hugged or kissed.
these three months that i've been away from school are doing me so good, but at the same time i can't wait to get back to school. but then i remember school means you and i hate that you ruined my cold mornings waiting for the pe teacher to arrive, my lunch breaks spent in the cafeteria playing on my phone, the presentations we had to do, i hate it all now because you ruined it and it's painful and i liked how it was before.

but it's fine. i'm fine. i'm happy that you're happy, and i'm happy now. i have my ways with coping with the "pain". i know that next year i'll be in uni laughing my ass off about this no good relationship that i had and how much it affected me. i guess i'll grow for it.
honestly, i can't wait to see what the future holds. and i'm damn happy with the fact you're not in it.

song of the day: i'm not sorry, by dean ft. eric bellinger

how (not) to deal with life

Hey! 

So, I'm finally writing the blog post I've been dreading to write. So much shit has happened since march. Since Dublin. 

First things first (not that this is really that important, and I'm in a really good mood today, so this isn't affecting me as much as on other days) John broke up with me. More than a month ago actually. I went through stages whilst trying to deal with this situation.

The first was denial. I had broken up with him because of the same reasons in november last year, but I went back to him again when I realized it was a mistake. So I thought that, maybe he would realize how much he misses me. He didn't. I went through the stage of trying to talk to him all the time because he was still my friend (lol) and because I still wasn't over him. I cried a lot during that phase. Then we had the finding out the truth stage. lol. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. So, the reason why my dearest ex-boyfriend broke up with me was because he liked someone else. Whilst we were dating. He didn't cheat on me, and at least he had a the decency of breaking up with me when he stopped having feelings for me. The girl he's with now is from our class as well, and she's my friend. I don't hate her, and I don't want to hate him. She's a good girl and he obviously didn't do this on purpose. But hating him is the easiest way to deal with this whole situation. I was obviously the last one in the whole class to know they were dating right after he broke up with me, and if I hadn't noticed and commented with a friend how close they were, nobody would've told me, and that's what pisses me of the most. That they all made a fool out of me, and I made a fool out of myself as well. Literally everyone knew, and not even one of my friends had the decency to talk to me about it. To tell me anything. On the other side, if I was my friends, I probably wouldn't told me either because I wouldn't want to hurt me and it wasn't my business anyways. Still. I'm ashamed of myself and I hate it. So now I kinda don't want to be near him, or talk to him, It hurts, and I feel humiliated. I don't want him back. I'm so okay alone. I'm so much better alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved this past six months that I was with him. But I'm also loving the single life and not having to like anyone and not having to dedicate my life and time and feelings to someone. It's great. I'm so fine. I like being alone in my room on my computer.

Second big change(s). We moved out of the apartment in the middle of nowhere and now we live in a really old house that has a backyard and an attic with five rooms, and two of them belong to me. I never thought I would be able to say "I live in an attic" but I can now and it's fucking great. I mean, if we ignore the fact that there's always only a few centimeters between my head and the ceiling and that i can't jump or dance because my parents hear me downstairs and my book shelves almost fall to the floor. Having stairs in the middle of the house is weird man.

BUT my internet connection in my bedroom is stronger now, so that makes up for everything.

Third, and probably the most important thing. I've become kpop trash. There. I said it. I listen to kpop now, and I couldn't care less. My good friend Finn introduced me to BTS and now I'm hooked up. Not only on BTS. Some of my favorites include bts, exo, got7, WINNER (goddamnit they're so good like what the fuck), the MADE series by bigbang, AKMU (they're also so good HOOOOW), Sam Kim (he's so underrated, how and why, he has the voice of an angel), mamamoo (stan real talent, stan mamamoo. honestly tho), jonghyun (I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I don't listen to shinee much because I'm too lazy (except View, View is a good song) but Jonghyun has captured my heart holy shit) and day6 (holy fucking shit they're amazing as well). I listen to a lot of singles and new music and stuff, but these artists holy shit they're good. A lot of my friends judge me because "hOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?!?!1!" but music is about the feelings and how it feels. Also, this legit happened. Baby Baby, by winner is such a good song, and I love it so much. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy and somehow conforted. The other day I was watching the mv making video of that song and they explined the meaning of the song. THE LYRICS AND THE MUSIC ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL CONFORTED AND IT'S ABOUT HOW THEY HATE BEING ALONE AND LONGING FOR LOVE AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT MADE ME FEEL man music is amazing. There's so much good music out there and people still judge because IT'S NO IN ENGLISH. u g h. I showed "Dress up" by Jonghyun to a friend and she said she liked it and she could listen to it, but it's still weird listening to a language you don't understand. It just takes a while to get used to, and it's understandable, but some songs are so great and it's worth the effort. Really. I also learned how to read hangul, and I'm on my way to learning korean, so all is good (it's a really slow way though) (also, I'm learning korean because I've wanted to learn a language with non-latin characters for a long time, and I wanted to learn japanese, but then kpop and kdramas (!!) came and I just started. I'm doing this because I do want to understand the musics but also because I want to learn a new language and there's nothing wrong with that)

Also kdramas. Oh god. I've watched a bunch of them and a couple of webdramas and some are very cringy, but there's so many good ones. I'm almost at the end of to the beautiful you, and holy shit I can't finish it because of how not good it is. eeeww. I want to write a post about kdramas, so maybe one day. 

Maybe this shoudl stop being lorac's anime adventures and start being lorac's drama adventures. Because of the dramas I watch, and because my life could be a drama ah ah not really.

I had my first exam yesterday and it went better than expected. I had been preparing a lot for it sooo yeah. I still have my geometry exam in nine days but that's easier than physics and chemistry, so I'm not too worried. I've been able to deal with stress a lot easier lately. Thumbs up for me.

I also go to the gym now. 

I'm going to 12th grade in september. I have to chose what classes I want to take. And also I'll probably go to a new class. Fun times.

Song of the day: I have a couple. "Heaven" by EXO (their new album is so good what the fuck) "Jaywalking" from the OST of Shut Up Flower Boyband (that drama tho) "Letting go" by Day6 (one of my all time favorite songs tbh) "If You" by BIGBANG and "I'm Young" by WINNER are soooo good. There are a lot that I love actually. This is hard. Just listen to them, they're great.

See ya later alligator,

Lorac xx

the quiet

hello.
i'm fine. thanks for asking. how are you?
actually.
no.
i'm not fine.
i don't know.
i came back from dublin last tuesday. i hate tuesdays. always have.
dublin was great. except for the last day. the last day wasn't great.
my brain did a thing. i don't know what it was. was it a panic attack? was it derrealisation? i don't know. i thought i was going to die. maybe i exagerated a bit. maybe i was fine. maybe it was my way of calling for attetion. maybe i just didn't want to leave dublin. i cried a lot. i don't know why i cried. john hugged me. i really like john's hugs. i miss john. i'll only see him in two weeks. does he miss me? i don't know.
i always thought i'd be part of those couples where we communicated a lot.
look where i am now.
in the unknown.
i bought a book called "reasons to stay alive" at the airport before coming back to portugal. i finished reading it today.
it was genius and eye opening and thought provoking.
it's about depression.
am i depressed?
i don't know.
should i ask someone?
maybe.
why don't i ask someone?
i'm sixteen. why would i be depressed.
i slept for fourteen hours yesterday.
i love sleeping.
i'm sleepy.
i'm addicted to that k-pop group.
bts.
i have that phobia that everyone hates me. or just doesn't like having me around. or maybe it's me that doesn't like having other people around. i miss john.
why am i crying?

song of the day life: nevermind, by bts. just. go search the english tranlation. just. do it. i love that song so fucking much it's probably not healthy anymore. goddamnit.



life update, two years later:
that thing i experienced was the beggining of me not feeling well, headwise. i don't know what it it, but sometimes i'm just sad. sometimes i'm really, really damn happy with no particular reason, but a lot of times i'm just sad and feeling like shit and most likely crying. that thing that happened in dublin was the first time i guess that i realized that i didn't know why i was crying, and because it was such a new and unfamiliar situation my brain just kinda, overreacted. it was awful for me and for everyone around me because no one understood what was happening. i don't know if it's normal or not for me to have these highs and lows so often, and to have them be so intense at times, but i guess i'm understanding them a bit better as time goes by. it's called growing and trust me, it's better if you have people around to support you on your lows and raise you even more in your highs.
sayonaara ma frends

FUCKING NEW YEAR'S EVE GOT ME INSPIRED

Hey!
So, 2015 is ending, and I obviously had to make a blog post about it because a) I haven't posted in a while b)I'm feeling creative and c) 2015 was a weird one.
I can barely remember how it started, because I have the memory of a goldfish, but I do remember I wasn't in such a good place through the last three months of 2014. But I think that I started to get better in 2015. It was a pretty normal, uneventful beginning of year. I ended tenth grade with good grades and everything was okay. And then summer great, and oh boy, were things great. I went to so many places, met so many new people, learned so many new things, I grew up, and I wouldn't change a things. I did so many new things and I was so happy, and I have never felt more alive than then. Summer '15 was so much better than summer '14, and I was a really happy person in '14, so you can only imagine what I was like. It was such a big surprise because 10th grade didn't start well, and I distanced from James and Ian and the things that made me happy that year that I thought that I wouldn't feel that happiness again. And I didn't feel that happiness. I felt so much more than happiness, I created so many memories, and that's why it was so great. I lived outside my bedroom walls, and it wasn't as bad as they made it seem. Then eleventh grade began, and school began, and John began, and then I wasn't so happy because I thought that having a boyfriend wasn't for me. I broke up with him. And then I realized that I was wrong and we got back together and everything is okay and we've been dating for two months and im pretty sure i love him okay can we stop talking about this now?
2015 was a great overall. I experienced so many new things, and I can't wait to see what next year has in store for me. And I know, that sounds really cheesy and cliche, but I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, and that's a sentence I thought I wouldn't ever say a year ago. So much has changed and I'm so glad for it. I realized I actually like change, and that's great.
Really.
So now I'm off to put up with overly excited people when I'd rather be with John and the rest of this new group of people that I became friends with and they're really cool. I hate new years, I think it's fucking ridiculous how we make such a big deal out of the change of one day. I think it's a good time to think about all the shit you've done throughout the year, but it's not because another 365 days have passed that this is the only day to make a change in our lives, to start something new. It's stupid. Today is as good of a day to change, as is tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. We let the rotation of our planet determine our lives, but fucking hell, we're the ones living it, we're the ones in control. I've made my new years resolutions already, goals that I want to achieve next year, because I didn't achieve them this year. They're reminders of the things that are most important to me, and also, I love making lists. And it's a tradition. But it's just dumb how we cling onto this date, how we use it as an excuse to seek our dreams this year like this is our last chance. It's not. Tomorrow is a day as well. Life doesn't have a fucking expiration date, and we don't need to be dictated by numbers we call days. Time is just a concept we created, if you think about it, it doesn't really affect anything, does it?

I watched mr. robot in a day and that's officially my new favorite tv show. As well as Quantico. I watched that in an afternoon. I'm going mad. I finished got. Finally. I'm happy.

Song of the day/year i guess: Revolt, by muse. That's one hell of a good song, and I think it sums up my year pretty well.

See ya later alligator,
Lorac xx

life update because i'm so fucking interesting

So, the past few posts have been kinda sad and down, so I thought I’d make a happier post to break the chain. Also because I haven’t posted in a while. I guess.

Guess who got a boyfriend? I bought it at target for 2,99$, it was a great deal.

Jokes.

There’s not even a target in Portugal.

But yes.

Lorac is not single anymore.

And no, I’m not dating James, much to the sadness of 14-year-old me. His name is JOHN CENAAAAAAA TOO TOOROTOOOOO

Not, he’s not John Cena, but he is the John that I talked about that went with us to the little town festival at night. Yes. That John.

Thinking about it now, anyone who reads this might think that it was all too sudden, and I didn’t talk about him enough on the blog. I haven’t. I was actually too busy living to post it in the blog. But the posts about trying to be nicer and wanting to rip the skin of my face were about stuff that happened with him. Yeah, we didn’t start off that good. Stuff happened in this past weekend. But everything’s fine now, I guess. More than fine, actually.

The thing is (I say this expression a lot, I need to stop), we started dating four days ago (WOOP WOOP LONGEST REALATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD IT’S A RECORD WOOP WOOP) but we knew we liked each other for some time. And then stuff got weird. And then it got fine. I don’t want to go into detail because, even though this is my blog and sorta my journal, there’s just stuff I can’t write about. At least for now.

But I think I like him way too much. I can’t keep my hands of him, and I can’t stop thinking about him, and wanting to kiss him and breathe him in, and I’ve never liked anyone this was before, and everything is so new, and what if I’m feeling too much too fast? What if this is just a thing in the spur in the moment, and before we know it it’s gone? I don’t want it to be gone. I want this to last for a while, at least. I feel so good and happy when I’m with him, and when I talk to him, and I keep thinking that I only like his attention, but my mum said I’m just overthinking and I should just go with the flow. So I guess that’s what I’ll do, and when I get to wherever the flows taking me, I’ll tell you more about it.

I don’t think I’m in love. I don’t wanna think I’m in love because it’s still too fucking soon plus previous ‘relationship experiences’ make me doubt every single fucking thing my brain produces. I know I like him. A lot. And I know I want to go to FUCKING DUBLIN WITH HIM AND MY FRIENDS AAAAHHH THREE NIGHTS IN IRELAND CAN YOU FEEL MY HAPPINESS I’VE NEVER FLEW BEFORE, SO THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME but there’s the slight chance of me not going. So that’s sad.

So I’m not single anymore. That sucks. I was just starting to love the single life. Oh well. I guess John makes up for it.

And jfc that boy has the dirtiest mind ever, this is what I have to deal with daily he’s such a jerk I like him a lot.

Also we’re in the same class. Everyone tries to grab him to make me feel jealous. I feel jealous. They succeeded. My maths teacher teased us today.

Life is weird. I love it.

Song of the day: the whole ‘Black Lines’ album. Mayday Parade’s new album is just so fucking great, jfc I love it to death. My favorite song has to be one of them will destroy the other. It’s so great. Also I can play letting go on the acoustic guitar and it sounds so beautiful. And Drive, by Halsey, pretty much describes my life. Halsey is great.

Peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator xx

PS-this post is just an update for future me that’ll be reading through this blog in two years time and regretting all my life choices I’m making right now. I’m sorry. I’m having too much fun to stop now.

PPS- also expect a lot of lovesick teenager posts because I feel really creative right now. Mainly to write in Portuguese, which is my native language, but something in English may come out of this brain of mine, so I’m sorry in advance if I make you vomit because of my disgustingly cute words.

Kay baii

how did i end up here

I want to rip the skin of my face and of my body and just leave me with my flesh and bones because that’s exactly how I feel right now. Exposed, naked, fragile. Weak. I don’t know this person I’ve become. I’ve became more confident over the time with my body, but I think that now the problem is my personality, and I have no fucking idea who I am anymore. And I hate this person living inside me, and I want to take of my skin and lay under all my blankets and let this person go and feel completely empty. Empty and nothing more. I don’t want to feel a single thing. I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of myself and not doing anything to change, but I don’t know how to change and I’m too fucking selfish to ask for help, because I want to feel exposed alone, I want to be alone, without any judging eyes but mine, because I can deal with those pretty well. I can hate myself, but I can’t bear the thought of anyone else hating me because I can deal with myself. I can’t deal with people. How do I make friends, how am I nice? How do I conquer someone’s trust? I don’t know. Should I just be myself? What if myself isn’t enough? I hate myself, how can anyone else like me? They can, that’s the thing. So I create this thing, this secondary human that’s what I would like to be and what I think other people would like. But I messed up the coding, because the end product is nothing like what I had expected, it deteriorated so fast, it became an even worse person than I ever thought was possible. And now that I’m trying to let go of this awful secondary person, I’m left with the selfish, pitiful part of myself, the part of myself that I despise the most. I hate being weak, I like being badass, but people don’t like that. Dad doesn’t like that. My friends don’t like that. I hate it. And now I’m crying and my vision is blurry and if I was driving it would just be so easy to swerve of the driveway and end everything. Here in the real world everything is hard, there’s feelings and responsibilities and other people to judge you and to hate you and I don’t like it. I want to go back to my bubble of happiness and loneliness, away from everyone, just being lazy old me.

But I don’t even know who I am anymore, so I can’t just be me, can I?