a letter to me

 Hey!

So I haven't been writing as much as I wish these past few... years. truth is, i got super busy with university and my whole life, and although I was still writing fiction that was somewhat based on my real life, i pratically stopped writing about me and my feelings. And one of my new years resolution for 2024 is to write more, because i really enjoyed the process of it, and also being able to look back and find something I wrote in the past. Since I have the memory of a goldfish :D

so. what's new. Finished my masters in 2022 and wrote a whole ass master thesis. that was crazy and totally something that 2018 carolina would never thought could be possible. Dated a girl for six months. (o:::: omg she finally figured out her sexuality??? it's pan btw. Im pansexual). Broke it off since I'm still weird when it comes to feelings and shit (although i think i did the right thing) Am now working full time at a software company, and have been doing so for a whole year. Have been dating this boy for a year and a half???  WHAT THE HEEEELLLLLLLL I am in a stable relationship with this boy who I truly love and who loves me back.

And no, I am still pretty insecure when it comes to relationships, and I still doubt everything I am feeling and if i am in the right place. but, when it comes down to it, I feel safe with him. he makes me laugh, and cooks amazingly, and is vEEEERY good looking. he is outgoing, and unafraid to try new things, which in consequence leads me to try new things. I like cheese now. 

Although I am much better when it comes to how I was feeling in 2014/2015, there are some patterns that i recognize now, looking back at those blog entries, that make me feel so dumb for forgetting that i have been feeling this way since FOREVEEEER

I have been unsure of my relationships FOREVER. ever since 6th grade or whatever. It's not something that happened over night, or when i entered university. no. I have always been like this. 

I have felt sad at times and unhappy since I WAS A SMALL GIRL. not looking at these blog posts might lead me to forget it, but i spent the past two days rotting in bed (during work hours yes, we do not bend to capitalism in this household) (have I mentioned OMG

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I NOW LIVE IN A HOUSE!?!?!? with roommates okay. guess who one of them is??? REMEMBER JOE (i think thats his name) THE GUY THAT I MET IN ONE BADMINTON TOURNMENT AND WHO I COULDN'T STOP OBCESSING ABOUT??? YEAH??? WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS NOW, HE TOOK THE SAME MASTER'S AS ME AND IS NOW WORKING IN THE SAME COMPANY AS ME AND MY BOYFRIEND?"?"??!?!??! LIFE IS SO WEIRD I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TELL YOUNGER ME ABOUT ALL OF THIS)

okay so. past two days rotting in bed. feeling sad and unmotivated. most likely because of my period. I am very in tune with my menstrual cycle, thank you very much, and woman are more likely to feel more suicidal when they are on their periods!! Although i am not feeling suicidal, i am feeling very down, and i am choosing to blame my hormones for this. i cant believe i'll have to deal with this every month in the next 30-40 years? ugh. anyways.

I've changed since i was last posting on this blog, but looking back at these entries, i haven't changed that much. I still very much enjoy being inside a lot more than going out. (although i had a phase in 2019. it was part of my growth, we don't talk about it). But I still get the thrill whenever I'm meeting new people, or spending time with my friends, i still feel so unbelievably happy. I am still very much in love with all of my friends back in my hometown, and I am so unbelievably grateful that I get to have them in my life. I am so grateful that i get to have the giant that i get to call my boyfriend by my side, pulling me up and getting me out of bed when i am down, experiencing life with him and I cannot wait to see what the rest of my life has got for us. I can't wait to see where my friends go with their degrees and their relationships, and i can't wait to witness it all (i am now crying for the second time today, but now it's not of sadness exactly. more like a nostalgic happiness?) I think we have so much left in store for us because life can't be just this.

it can't be just working all day, feeling sad and dumb, feeling sorry for myself for not being up to my own standards, and then remembering that i need to be kinder to myself, that i need to be there for me as i am for everyone else. i'm enjoying life so much nowadays, that i forget that when i get sad, or when i can't get out of bed, or do anything but watch tiktoks, but the truth is that i'm surrounded by so many wonderful things and people that i know i just have to wait this out. i just have to keep holding on, however sad or down i might be, because eventually ill be okay again. ill start working on something i'm truly passionate about, the sun will come out of the clouds and we'll be able to go on walks to the park again, my head will stop hurting and ill be able to read again.

at 24, life isn't that bad, even at an all time low. so i just need to keep waiting until i'm all good again.

peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator

music of the day: better now, by maro

thet's the spirit

Bring me the Horizon latest album reminds me of cold mornings walks to school, mornings hanging out in the school hallway waiting for class, chatting with friends, with new friends. it reminds me of sitting at the entrance of the locker room before pe class started. it reminds me of meeting new people, making new friends, and reminds me of my peace of mind back then, the ingenuity i had, how young (not that young tho) i was and how changed i am. it reminds me of 10th grade, in a new school, with new and strange people. it reminds me of 11th grade, dating my ex, morning kisses and happy giggles and the now familiar faces of my friends. it reminds me of 12th grade, in a new house but in my old town. it reminds me of friendship and less happy but more genuine moments. i didn't know this album could bring me so many memories, but it does, it reminds me of these three amazing years where i grew and began to figure myself out. growing is great. painful, but great nonetheless.

About uni, three months later

heyo.
remember when i said that i crossed making out with a stranger out of my bucket list? since uni started (a whole two months ago whaaat) i've made out with a total of 2 (two) guys.
yeah
i'm that person now.
jk i'm not.
the first guy is a second year in my course and we just met that night at a dorm party and then we went out at night and we both got drunk out of our minds and we just kinda made out? and it was one of the most bizare funny experiences in my life. the whole things was just so weird? and funny? the day after things got weird, but that's okay because the week after i already had a new boy, also from my dorm. (the whole time we made out i could only think about how i wasn't kissing the first boy, but that's not important for now). it was weird and completely different, but hey, i got to make out with someone, not everything is bad. the week after we went out again and we made out again and yeah? he's a nice boy but i didn't feel like i did with brian. or the first boy in this story (let's call him leo).
continuing with our story. we're now in week four. there's no classes during this week, and the university had this festival thing with djs and performers and it was this whole party for four days. i bought the four-day-ticket and i went to three out of the four days. fast foward to the third day, thursday. i had planned to go to the party with a friend from the dorm, and we did our make up and we bought wine and stuff, and we were ready to go out. i get a message from mr leo asking when we were going to leave, because he was also going to the party thing. and so me, my friend, another girl from the dorm and leo go together to the party. it's half past midnight and we're walking to the metro station, drinking our wine and juice and i swear life. is. great.
i was tipsy when we arrived at the place where the whole thing was happening, and leo was kinda taking care of me, and meanwhile my friend got kidnapped by some other guys from my course and so I cling on to leo because guess what he's very attractive and I was tipsy. And so we enter the place, me, him and the other girl and I'm getting drunker by the minute. The world looks like it's spinning but we do shots and everything's fine. I find my girlfriends from uni, and suddenly I'm holding hands with leo and kissing him and it looks like everything is fine.
It wasn't fine, it was very rude of me to ditch my friends because of a boy bUT
But
After that day ended we found some more guys from the dorm and we all went home together. I was still with leo, but he was busy with a friend who was VERY drunk. And I was needy and drunk, and also I was missing home, so I started crying on the shoulders of a guy who also lives with us. We got home safe and we go to the kitchen to cook some eggs. It's seven am and me, Leo, the guy I cried with, and another boy from the dorm were the only ones in the kitchen, and we were there eating scrambled eggs and laughing. Honestly, I don't think I ever felt more alive.
With that day came many more nights. Many more parties, eating in the middle of the night, drinking and laughing and studying and watching dumb videos on YouTube. I found myself in the middle of this big group of uni students and I couldn't be more grateful. Living at the dorm has been such a great experience.
With that day also came leo. A sweet, mean, cute and VERY HANDSOME young man who I happen to like very much. Like, like like. It came out of nowhere, and it was all so subtle and smooth and natural that I'm still surprised I have these feelings. There was no doubting, no overthinking, no big deals. It was just me and him, spending time together, getting to know each other, and in between embraces, kisses and laughter I found out that I liked him. And I wouldn't want it any other way. It's such a weird and funny feeling, the way my heart races when I see him, but when I'm with him it feels like everything will be alright. I honestly never thought I would be able to feel this, but now, it feels like this is the right way to be feeling.
Classes have been going well, I say as I write this in the middle of my calculus class. The semester is almost over, and Christmas is right around the corner. I'm going to Lisbon in five days, and going home in eight. I have my lows (really big deep lows with a lot of anxiety) but I also have my highs, and my highs are usually the size of the empire state building. Maybe even better. I'm fine now, and I don't think I want it to change.

ANOTHER UPDATE AH

GUESS WHO STARTED UNI LAST WEEK SFOCUFEGNHTROJGJGVSEOÇRH
me
i started uni
hi

A lot of time has passed since the last time I wrote here, but i'm home for the weekend and I remembered the existence of this blog and so many new things are happening and I just wanted to spill it out.
So, number one. Brian is over. there's that. we talked about how i felt and how he felt and our feelings didn't match and i got over him.
(im starting to feel like this blog is just a place for me to write about my crushes seriously am i okay?)
number two. i turned 18 this august. that's right, your girl is finally legal OPPWJDFVBIREE. i had this birthday dinner thing and i had a lot of fun. i cried a bit about the future and i cried a bit because i have such great friends lmao i'm a mess help.
number three, and probably the most important. I got into uni in Porto. I'm studying electronics and computer engineering, a course similar, but different than the one i tried at the summer university back in 2015. The exciting part about this is the fact that i moved out of my parents house, of my city, and i'm now living in a dorm near my university. it's a thing that i always daydreamed about, and at the beggining of the year it started to become a possibility, and then it was on and off the table for the whole first half of 2017, and it was only in july, that i actually made the decision to go so far away from home. and now the first week of uni has passed, and we didn't actually have classes, so i just got the chance to meet and get to know the people from my course (we're 200. mainly guys. life is great). throughout this week a lot of people asked me  why i choose porto when i lived in the city of the students, and i always gave different answers. because uporto is so prestigious and i basically have a job as soon as i finish my degree. because of all the boys (jk). but tbh, remember when i wrote about how much i like going out ad experiencing new things and meeting new people? i guess that's the real reason why i decided to move. even though my first day was painfully awkward, i was still able to meet new people and as the week went by i got to talk to them and it's just IOHNDJWNEW i love these things okay. and also they're so nice and there's a lot of hot guys i'm blessed. we went to a party on thurday and i was with this group of people and we were having fun and then my wallet was stollen (!!!) and i just had a panic attack but they were all so conforting and i never thought they would like be so nice to a person they just met but they were and AINKDRGWIO it was one of the worst, but best nights. (also there's this guy but i don't have a crush on him it's way too soon but he's ridiculously good looking fuck) (also there's a fourth year in my course that looks just like alfie deyes WAAAAA )
long story short, my first week of uni has been a fucking rollercoaster, and i'm loving it.

song of the day: mic drop, by bts. a whole, full, great jam.

see ya frends.

happy update (to change things up lmao why do i always feel like shit)

long time no see blog.
how've you been? great? me too! kinda.
five months have passed and honestly i've missed writing so much.
i missed it so much but i kinda stopped. i'm busier, i have no time so i found another way to cope with all these videos.
(to the future me who's reading this, remember to check all those vlogs you have on your hard drive, they're kinda like spoken blog entries.)
a bunch has happened since i last wrote here. six months have passed (!!!). half a month.
i went out with my friends and got proper drunk. like completely wasted out of my ass. it was great. you know what happened? (i'm giggling as i write this jesus i hope i never forget this feeling) i made out with the twin brother of one of my friends, brian. saying this is always funny. the situation is not as funny tho. it's not a bad thing either lmao it's just something that happened and that i can now cross out of my bucket list. making out with a stranger.
the thing is
i always thought of myself as this cold hearted person who has friends and is able to laugh and make good memories but at the end of the day i don't really love anyone.
but then i realized that was a lie.
because this is my senior year, i'm trying to make as many memories as possible, get into as many project as possible, to make my last year on high school one of the best years of my life. so far i have succeded. even though i feel like shit a lot more often than usual (i don't even know what's going on with my brain lmao) i also feel a lot happier. i've been doing so much stuff that it makes me sad that the school is ending. remember when i talked about that summer university thing i did two years ago and how happy i was to be doing and learning so many new things and making so many new friends and meeting so many new people? i still love doing that, but now i kinda found my group of people to do these things with. i have my neighboors, who are up to going out whenever we want because we live so close to each other. it's so cool, and it's one of those things i could only dream about doing when i was younger, because i lived in the outskirts of the city for so long. and now i'm here and i'm making the most of it. i have my badminton friends, and they're great, honestly. just to think that at the beggining of 10th grade i was thinking of dropping badminton because i didn't have any friends makes me kinda sad. i'm so glad i stuck with it because i love playing badminton and i love hanging out with the people who play it as well. we're such a nice cool chill group of people and aaargh i just love hanging out with them. i love having friends. then we have my new class, which includes my bffffff michael (who also happens to turn 18 this friday the fifth, the date john broke up with me and also the day i moved to the sity (i've been in this house for a whole year whaaaat?)), and honestly they're great as well. i'm so glad i'm not in the same class as last year, because that meant having to be in the same class as john and honestly i think i wouldn't be as happy and as free as i am now if i wasn't in this class. it's not like we're all best friends or anything, but honestly they're such nice and cool people and i just like them a lot. then we have the robotics smart group of people. they're so cool. seriously. we went to a little robot tournment thing back in february and it was like a whole weekend of coding but also having fun and running around town and having freedom to do whatever we wanted. then this past weekend we had the national robotics open, which leads to the international robotics open in japan (if we had won i would be going to japan this summer :O) and it was another great experience. i can't stress enough how much i like these kinds of things where just a group of people meet up and do shit together. i imagine life in uni will be nothing like this, but honestly i like these things so much, and even if it takes more work in the future, i think i'll like it as well. we're a total of eight people, from the first weekend tournment and then the other girl left and two "new" guys entered and now i'm the only girl and i'ts very cool ngl. one of the new guy is brian. yes, the brian i made out with. yes the brian i may or may not have a crush on.
let's not forget about how much i like the robotics people, but now i need to talk about this guy.
so i always thought i was a cold hearted person right? i used to think "oh you'll be able to make out with a stranger and not grow attached to them" wrong. first things first brian is ridiculously good looking. seriously. how is it possible. also he has a very nice and deep voice. and he's very cool and just a generally cool person to hang out with. the thing is, i barely know him. back in march when we "met" after we kissed and i had to go he was asking for my number and asking if we could be friends and maybe more than that and i gave him my number but i tried (very drunkly) to explain that i was arromantic (for the record, i don't even know if i'm arromantic or not okay, i just felt sure back then) and he got the message and the next day when he texted me asking if my previous statment still prevailed, i said yes. so basically i rejected him. and now i regret it. i mean
i was being kinda honest. i have been looking up stuff about being arromantic, and i fit into like half of the things. but i want to love someone and honestly i can imagine myself in a relationship loving someone. but then at the same time i wake up every morning and i think to myself what it would be like if i had a boyfriend and if i would feel sofucated or just excited and i don't know how to explain this thing i feel in my heart (sometimes i just need to take a deep breath lmao).
then i think of this guy and how handsome he is and how NICE he is and i find myself wanting to know him better? is it just curiosity? is it lust because i had his lips once and now i want his whole body (wow this was weird)? is it the leo inside me wanting attention because once he wanted to get to know me better but know he doesn't give me that much attention?
I DON'T KNOW
i just
would like to get to know him better
and maybe kiss him again.
and i get butterflies when i think about him and it's probably just a stupid crush or i'm just desperate for attention i don't know
i just
get so happy randomly for no reason and i've been in such a good mood lately i'm so goddamn happy.
this weekend we're all going out for mike's bday and on sunday brian turns 18 as well, so that means he's going out as well (and all the other robotics people, and i'm happy that they're going as well wohoo) and i don't know. maybe i'll see him again? who knows (i really wish that happens tho)
but again, if it doesn't, it's fine because i'll be with jess after such a long time without seeing her and we'll have a sleepover and it'll be fucking great.
i honestly can't wait for this weekend jfc
also, i just hope to god my anxiety doesn't start to kick in like it did right before we had a school trip to lisbon and jess's birthday dinner a month ago. i was seriously so pumped to go to lisbon after such a long time and the day before i just stopped and felt like shit and it carried out for like two weeks or something. i'm so scared my brain pulls another prank on me and just decides that saturday is a good day to feel like shit. i don't want to ruin my night, or anyone's night. it's gonna be amazing and great and i can't wait, and i just pray that nothing ruins my mood.
that has been all that's been happening through the last six months, more or less (one of my friends i had a crush on actually developed a crush back, but the timing was shit soo yeah lmao so much for that).
i'm just in a happy mood these past few days and i hope i never forget how it feels to feel like this.
song of the FUCKING LIFE IDEK: that's how it goes, rusty clanton (such a happy feel good song i love it so so much), in the middle, dodie clark (a weird, unreleased, great song that i fell in love with yesterday), sunshine, toppdogg (THEY'RE SO GOOD AND THIS SONG MAKES ME SO HAPPY I JUST IUABDCJEWV)
this is all.
bye frends, i shall now go to the gym (i love the gym and working out and i'm getting strong and not putting on any weight and i think i'm finally coming to terms with and accepting my body yay!)
see yall later bYEE

10:50

porque é que ultimamente me tenho odiado tanto ao ponto de querer desaparecer da face da terra ou chorar ate que o mundo deixe de existir? será que é por estar com o periodo? sera que sao so as hormonas a mais a porem um nevoeiro na minha cabeça, fazendo me deixar de pensar como deve ser? nao sei em que e que hei de acreditar, nao sei em que e que hei de confiar, se em mim se nas opinioes dos outros. mas sei que devia confiar em mim e fazer o que quero mas ha sempre aquela parte de mim que ouve o que os outros dizem e pensam e se sente consciente de tudo aquilo que eles possam possivelmente vir a pensar, e eu gostava era de deixar de pensar e de deixar de me preocupar e ter ataques de ansiedade (sei la se e ansiedade por tudo o que sei posso ser so eu a ser estupida) e tambem gostava de deixar de me chamar tantos nomes e ser tao dura em mim mesma e de sentir pena de mim porque esse sempre foi o meu grande problema. sei que ainda nao me sei toda, mas nao e disso que se trata aqui, agora so me quero conhecer enquanto estou aqui, e so quero saber o que e suposto eu dizer e pensar e quero que toda a gente goste de mim e quero que eu goste de mim e nao quero que me odeiem nem me achem pita nem me achem que sou uma parva que so quer atençao, ainda que seja isso que eu sou, nem que sou mediocre. mas eu sou mediocre e tenho que aceitar que nao sei nada e que nunca vou conseguir fazer com que toda a gente pense bem de mim, e mesmo que pensem mal, porque e que isso tem de me afetar, ninguem me ataca, porque e que isso importa. nao estou completamente sozinha mas porque e que me sinto sempre a sufocar e a querer sempre mais mais amigos, mais ar, mais atençao, mais tudo mas quero chorar menos e começar a fazer mais sentido porque e que estas a chorar para para de pensar que daqui a cinco anos isto vai ser lindo porque nao e agora estas aqui e estas a sentir te como merda porque e que ter crushes tem que ser tao complicado e porque e que eu tenho que me sentir como uma merda porque e que nao posso deixar de sentir tenho nojo de mim propria e so quero nao ir a escola desapareceu toda a minha vontade de fazer o que quer que seja mas agora estou a escrever e ja nao fazia isto ha imenso tempo tinha saudades de escrever aqui so quero ser normal e como todas as outras pessoas e ter amigos e que gostassem de mim e que o meu cerebro aceitasse isso nao quero estar constantemente a preocupar me com likes e atençao e com se estou a fazer a coisa certa so quero ir a escola e ver se meto alguma nesta cabeça oca e superflua. quero deixar de gostar de kpop mas ao mesmo tempo quero continuar a gostar de kpop. nao quero sentir mne tao vazia e perdida e quero ter um rumo e quero ter vontade de fazer as coisas e quero parar de pensar tanto e racionalizar mais se e que isto fez sentido.

sorry that this was in portuguese. it didn't make any sense for me either. no one reads this anyway. i had a little cry, but i'm okay now. here's to the future.

pissed off

"quero que vocês cuidem bem das minhas miúdas e lembrem se se aparecerem outras nunca serão tão boas como estas"
"i want you to take good care of my girls and remember that if other's come around, they'll never be as good as the one's you have right now"

i'm pissed off.
why did i think that reading old messages from the times me and john were still together was a good idea? because i'm pissed off now. i guess i have sort of a right to be. i've been pushing back these feelings for a while, so i'm just letting it all go.
that quote you just read up there was written by john's best friend, sarah, when her boyfriend broke up with her back in january/february (i can't remember). long story short, john has this really close group of male friends, and some of them have girlfriends, and sarah happens to be a girlfriend to this guy AND john's bff. and so everyone was friends and we had a facebook group chat. when the guy broke up with sarah, she wrote this long ass text in the gc saying goodbye. up there is one of the things she said. i didn't really pay attention to it then, but now that i'm alone, i saw it with other eyes.
so, this is to you buddy, the one i trusted the most, but i only realized it now.

why didn't you listen to your best friend and held on to what you had? why couldn't you see how great i was and seriously, why didn't you give me enough value? i was always to one who did things first, but why didn't you even try? why did you left me thinking, worrying for weeks about our relationship, about how maybe i wasn't enough, about how maybe i wasn't doing the right thing? i'm mad at you for breaking up with me, no matter how stupid this sounds. i don't want you back. i'm over it. i'm over you. but i'm not over these feelings you left in me, the memories, the trust. goddamnit i think that's what i miss the most. i miss knowing there was someone who i could bother with my problems at any time, and knowing that you cared. but now it's all gone. now i'm left alone to my own thoughts. why couldn't you love me more.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you were still here. at times i thought i was gonna be with you forever, but now that i look at it, it's not that bad that i'm not with you. however, i still wonder. little things in my daily life that i would probably text you about. this song that i heard. how could the river water is. when our next date would be. you broke with me at the worst timing, right before i moved to the city. i have more freedom now. maybe we would be able to see each other more often. who knows. maybe you would still be loving me.
i guess what i'm most mad about is how you started liking someone while you were still with me. i don't count it as cheating, but in my heart it hurts as much. it feeds my goddamn stupid insecurities, how i wasn't enough. hot enough. interesting enough. mature enough. how she's so much better than me, obviously you would end up losing interest in me and going to her. you were meant to be. she likes you so much more, she treats you so much better. she's so mature and smart, and she's older. she's pretty, and she can do make up really well. she probably understands you way better than i did. she probably doesn't bother you so much about her problems, she probably listens to you more instead of talking so much. maybe she doesn't suffucate you like i did.
but i'm getting out of line, i'm starting to get mad at myself, and the goal here was to take this all of my chest. i still mad at you for not trying more, for letting her into your heart, for not giving me enough value, for not talking to me, for ignoring me, for playing these little stupid games that were all just fun but were secretely ruining what we had, for being so goddamn stubborn, and full of pride.
i'm mad at you for ruining my favorite songs and my favorite smells and my favorite places and my favorite people. i let you in my life and now i want you out but no matter what there's always something that reminds me of you and i'm so goddamn pissed right now. i don't want you back, i just wish we didn't break up because i had trust and i had someone and i was stable and i was happier with my morning kiss and my random texts and you brought some spice but now it's gone and i'm fine, seriously, but sometimes i just miss it so much. i miss having you, i miss being your girl, i miss your smell and i miss your hugs and your lips.
or maybe i just miss being someone's girl. maybe i just miss the smell of soap and cookies and cheap detergent. maybe i just miss being hugged or kissed.
these three months that i've been away from school are doing me so good, but at the same time i can't wait to get back to school. but then i remember school means you and i hate that you ruined my cold mornings waiting for the pe teacher to arrive, my lunch breaks spent in the cafeteria playing on my phone, the presentations we had to do, i hate it all now because you ruined it and it's painful and i liked how it was before.

but it's fine. i'm fine. i'm happy that you're happy, and i'm happy now. i have my ways with coping with the "pain". i know that next year i'll be in uni laughing my ass off about this no good relationship that i had and how much it affected me. i guess i'll grow for it.
honestly, i can't wait to see what the future holds. and i'm damn happy with the fact you're not in it.

song of the day: i'm not sorry, by dean ft. eric bellinger

how (not) to deal with life

Hey! 

So, I'm finally writing the blog post I've been dreading to write. So much shit has happened since march. Since Dublin. 

First things first (not that this is really that important, and I'm in a really good mood today, so this isn't affecting me as much as on other days) John broke up with me. More than a month ago actually. I went through stages whilst trying to deal with this situation.

The first was denial. I had broken up with him because of the same reasons in november last year, but I went back to him again when I realized it was a mistake. So I thought that, maybe he would realize how much he misses me. He didn't. I went through the stage of trying to talk to him all the time because he was still my friend (lol) and because I still wasn't over him. I cried a lot during that phase. Then we had the finding out the truth stage. lol. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. So, the reason why my dearest ex-boyfriend broke up with me was because he liked someone else. Whilst we were dating. He didn't cheat on me, and at least he had a the decency of breaking up with me when he stopped having feelings for me. The girl he's with now is from our class as well, and she's my friend. I don't hate her, and I don't want to hate him. She's a good girl and he obviously didn't do this on purpose. But hating him is the easiest way to deal with this whole situation. I was obviously the last one in the whole class to know they were dating right after he broke up with me, and if I hadn't noticed and commented with a friend how close they were, nobody would've told me, and that's what pisses me of the most. That they all made a fool out of me, and I made a fool out of myself as well. Literally everyone knew, and not even one of my friends had the decency to talk to me about it. To tell me anything. On the other side, if I was my friends, I probably wouldn't told me either because I wouldn't want to hurt me and it wasn't my business anyways. Still. I'm ashamed of myself and I hate it. So now I kinda don't want to be near him, or talk to him, It hurts, and I feel humiliated. I don't want him back. I'm so okay alone. I'm so much better alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved this past six months that I was with him. But I'm also loving the single life and not having to like anyone and not having to dedicate my life and time and feelings to someone. It's great. I'm so fine. I like being alone in my room on my computer.

Second big change(s). We moved out of the apartment in the middle of nowhere and now we live in a really old house that has a backyard and an attic with five rooms, and two of them belong to me. I never thought I would be able to say "I live in an attic" but I can now and it's fucking great. I mean, if we ignore the fact that there's always only a few centimeters between my head and the ceiling and that i can't jump or dance because my parents hear me downstairs and my book shelves almost fall to the floor. Having stairs in the middle of the house is weird man.

BUT my internet connection in my bedroom is stronger now, so that makes up for everything.

Third, and probably the most important thing. I've become kpop trash. There. I said it. I listen to kpop now, and I couldn't care less. My good friend Finn introduced me to BTS and now I'm hooked up. Not only on BTS. Some of my favorites include bts, exo, got7, WINNER (goddamnit they're so good like what the fuck), the MADE series by bigbang, AKMU (they're also so good HOOOOW), Sam Kim (he's so underrated, how and why, he has the voice of an angel), mamamoo (stan real talent, stan mamamoo. honestly tho), jonghyun (I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I don't listen to shinee much because I'm too lazy (except View, View is a good song) but Jonghyun has captured my heart holy shit) and day6 (holy fucking shit they're amazing as well). I listen to a lot of singles and new music and stuff, but these artists holy shit they're good. A lot of my friends judge me because "hOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?!?!1!" but music is about the feelings and how it feels. Also, this legit happened. Baby Baby, by winner is such a good song, and I love it so much. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy and somehow conforted. The other day I was watching the mv making video of that song and they explined the meaning of the song. THE LYRICS AND THE MUSIC ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL CONFORTED AND IT'S ABOUT HOW THEY HATE BEING ALONE AND LONGING FOR LOVE AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT MADE ME FEEL man music is amazing. There's so much good music out there and people still judge because IT'S NO IN ENGLISH. u g h. I showed "Dress up" by Jonghyun to a friend and she said she liked it and she could listen to it, but it's still weird listening to a language you don't understand. It just takes a while to get used to, and it's understandable, but some songs are so great and it's worth the effort. Really. I also learned how to read hangul, and I'm on my way to learning korean, so all is good (it's a really slow way though) (also, I'm learning korean because I've wanted to learn a language with non-latin characters for a long time, and I wanted to learn japanese, but then kpop and kdramas (!!) came and I just started. I'm doing this because I do want to understand the musics but also because I want to learn a new language and there's nothing wrong with that)

Also kdramas. Oh god. I've watched a bunch of them and a couple of webdramas and some are very cringy, but there's so many good ones. I'm almost at the end of to the beautiful you, and holy shit I can't finish it because of how not good it is. eeeww. I want to write a post about kdramas, so maybe one day. 

Maybe this shoudl stop being lorac's anime adventures and start being lorac's drama adventures. Because of the dramas I watch, and because my life could be a drama ah ah not really.

I had my first exam yesterday and it went better than expected. I had been preparing a lot for it sooo yeah. I still have my geometry exam in nine days but that's easier than physics and chemistry, so I'm not too worried. I've been able to deal with stress a lot easier lately. Thumbs up for me.

I also go to the gym now. 

I'm going to 12th grade in september. I have to chose what classes I want to take. And also I'll probably go to a new class. Fun times.

Song of the day: I have a couple. "Heaven" by EXO (their new album is so good what the fuck) "Jaywalking" from the OST of Shut Up Flower Boyband (that drama tho) "Letting go" by Day6 (one of my all time favorite songs tbh) "If You" by BIGBANG and "I'm Young" by WINNER are soooo good. There are a lot that I love actually. This is hard. Just listen to them, they're great.

See ya later alligator,

Lorac xx

the quiet

hello.
i'm fine. thanks for asking. how are you?
actually.
no.
i'm not fine.
i don't know.
i came back from dublin last tuesday. i hate tuesdays. always have.
dublin was great. except for the last day. the last day wasn't great.
my brain did a thing. i don't know what it was. was it a panic attack? was it derrealisation? i don't know. i thought i was going to die. maybe i exagerated a bit. maybe i was fine. maybe it was my way of calling for attetion. maybe i just didn't want to leave dublin. i cried a lot. i don't know why i cried. john hugged me. i really like john's hugs. i miss john. i'll only see him in two weeks. does he miss me? i don't know.
i always thought i'd be part of those couples where we communicated a lot.
look where i am now.
in the unknown.
i bought a book called "reasons to stay alive" at the airport before coming back to portugal. i finished reading it today.
it was genius and eye opening and thought provoking.
it's about depression.
am i depressed?
i don't know.
should i ask someone?
maybe.
why don't i ask someone?
i'm sixteen. why would i be depressed.
i slept for fourteen hours yesterday.
i love sleeping.
i'm sleepy.
i'm addicted to that k-pop group.
bts.
i have that phobia that everyone hates me. or just doesn't like having me around. or maybe it's me that doesn't like having other people around. i miss john.
why am i crying?

song of the day life: nevermind, by bts. just. go search the english tranlation. just. do it. i love that song so fucking much it's probably not healthy anymore. goddamnit.



life update, two years later:
that thing i experienced was the beggining of me not feeling well, headwise. i don't know what it it, but sometimes i'm just sad. sometimes i'm really, really damn happy with no particular reason, but a lot of times i'm just sad and feeling like shit and most likely crying. that thing that happened in dublin was the first time i guess that i realized that i didn't know why i was crying, and because it was such a new and unfamiliar situation my brain just kinda, overreacted. it was awful for me and for everyone around me because no one understood what was happening. i don't know if it's normal or not for me to have these highs and lows so often, and to have them be so intense at times, but i guess i'm understanding them a bit better as time goes by. it's called growing and trust me, it's better if you have people around to support you on your lows and raise you even more in your highs.
sayonaara ma frends

FUCKING NEW YEAR'S EVE GOT ME INSPIRED

Hey!
So, 2015 is ending, and I obviously had to make a blog post about it because a) I haven't posted in a while b)I'm feeling creative and c) 2015 was a weird one.
I can barely remember how it started, because I have the memory of a goldfish, but I do remember I wasn't in such a good place through the last three months of 2014. But I think that I started to get better in 2015. It was a pretty normal, uneventful beginning of year. I ended tenth grade with good grades and everything was okay. And then summer great, and oh boy, were things great. I went to so many places, met so many new people, learned so many new things, I grew up, and I wouldn't change a things. I did so many new things and I was so happy, and I have never felt more alive than then. Summer '15 was so much better than summer '14, and I was a really happy person in '14, so you can only imagine what I was like. It was such a big surprise because 10th grade didn't start well, and I distanced from James and Ian and the things that made me happy that year that I thought that I wouldn't feel that happiness again. And I didn't feel that happiness. I felt so much more than happiness, I created so many memories, and that's why it was so great. I lived outside my bedroom walls, and it wasn't as bad as they made it seem. Then eleventh grade began, and school began, and John began, and then I wasn't so happy because I thought that having a boyfriend wasn't for me. I broke up with him. And then I realized that I was wrong and we got back together and everything is okay and we've been dating for two months and im pretty sure i love him okay can we stop talking about this now?
2015 was a great overall. I experienced so many new things, and I can't wait to see what next year has in store for me. And I know, that sounds really cheesy and cliche, but I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, and that's a sentence I thought I wouldn't ever say a year ago. So much has changed and I'm so glad for it. I realized I actually like change, and that's great.
Really.
So now I'm off to put up with overly excited people when I'd rather be with John and the rest of this new group of people that I became friends with and they're really cool. I hate new years, I think it's fucking ridiculous how we make such a big deal out of the change of one day. I think it's a good time to think about all the shit you've done throughout the year, but it's not because another 365 days have passed that this is the only day to make a change in our lives, to start something new. It's stupid. Today is as good of a day to change, as is tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. We let the rotation of our planet determine our lives, but fucking hell, we're the ones living it, we're the ones in control. I've made my new years resolutions already, goals that I want to achieve next year, because I didn't achieve them this year. They're reminders of the things that are most important to me, and also, I love making lists. And it's a tradition. But it's just dumb how we cling onto this date, how we use it as an excuse to seek our dreams this year like this is our last chance. It's not. Tomorrow is a day as well. Life doesn't have a fucking expiration date, and we don't need to be dictated by numbers we call days. Time is just a concept we created, if you think about it, it doesn't really affect anything, does it?

I watched mr. robot in a day and that's officially my new favorite tv show. As well as Quantico. I watched that in an afternoon. I'm going mad. I finished got. Finally. I'm happy.

Song of the day/year i guess: Revolt, by muse. That's one hell of a good song, and I think it sums up my year pretty well.

See ya later alligator,
Lorac xx

life update because i'm so fucking interesting

So, the past few posts have been kinda sad and down, so I thought I’d make a happier post to break the chain. Also because I haven’t posted in a while. I guess.

Guess who got a boyfriend? I bought it at target for 2,99$, it was a great deal.

Jokes.

There’s not even a target in Portugal.

But yes.

Lorac is not single anymore.

And no, I’m not dating James, much to the sadness of 14-year-old me. His name is JOHN CENAAAAAAA TOO TOOROTOOOOO

Not, he’s not John Cena, but he is the John that I talked about that went with us to the little town festival at night. Yes. That John.

Thinking about it now, anyone who reads this might think that it was all too sudden, and I didn’t talk about him enough on the blog. I haven’t. I was actually too busy living to post it in the blog. But the posts about trying to be nicer and wanting to rip the skin of my face were about stuff that happened with him. Yeah, we didn’t start off that good. Stuff happened in this past weekend. But everything’s fine now, I guess. More than fine, actually.

The thing is (I say this expression a lot, I need to stop), we started dating four days ago (WOOP WOOP LONGEST REALATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD IT’S A RECORD WOOP WOOP) but we knew we liked each other for some time. And then stuff got weird. And then it got fine. I don’t want to go into detail because, even though this is my blog and sorta my journal, there’s just stuff I can’t write about. At least for now.

But I think I like him way too much. I can’t keep my hands of him, and I can’t stop thinking about him, and wanting to kiss him and breathe him in, and I’ve never liked anyone this was before, and everything is so new, and what if I’m feeling too much too fast? What if this is just a thing in the spur in the moment, and before we know it it’s gone? I don’t want it to be gone. I want this to last for a while, at least. I feel so good and happy when I’m with him, and when I talk to him, and I keep thinking that I only like his attention, but my mum said I’m just overthinking and I should just go with the flow. So I guess that’s what I’ll do, and when I get to wherever the flows taking me, I’ll tell you more about it.

I don’t think I’m in love. I don’t wanna think I’m in love because it’s still too fucking soon plus previous ‘relationship experiences’ make me doubt every single fucking thing my brain produces. I know I like him. A lot. And I know I want to go to FUCKING DUBLIN WITH HIM AND MY FRIENDS AAAAHHH THREE NIGHTS IN IRELAND CAN YOU FEEL MY HAPPINESS I’VE NEVER FLEW BEFORE, SO THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME but there’s the slight chance of me not going. So that’s sad.

So I’m not single anymore. That sucks. I was just starting to love the single life. Oh well. I guess John makes up for it.

And jfc that boy has the dirtiest mind ever, this is what I have to deal with daily he’s such a jerk I like him a lot.

Also we’re in the same class. Everyone tries to grab him to make me feel jealous. I feel jealous. They succeeded. My maths teacher teased us today.

Life is weird. I love it.

Song of the day: the whole ‘Black Lines’ album. Mayday Parade’s new album is just so fucking great, jfc I love it to death. My favorite song has to be one of them will destroy the other. It’s so great. Also I can play letting go on the acoustic guitar and it sounds so beautiful. And Drive, by Halsey, pretty much describes my life. Halsey is great.

Peace out dragons, and see ya later alligator xx

PS-this post is just an update for future me that’ll be reading through this blog in two years time and regretting all my life choices I’m making right now. I’m sorry. I’m having too much fun to stop now.

PPS- also expect a lot of lovesick teenager posts because I feel really creative right now. Mainly to write in Portuguese, which is my native language, but something in English may come out of this brain of mine, so I’m sorry in advance if I make you vomit because of my disgustingly cute words.

Kay baii

how did i end up here

I want to rip the skin of my face and of my body and just leave me with my flesh and bones because that’s exactly how I feel right now. Exposed, naked, fragile. Weak. I don’t know this person I’ve become. I’ve became more confident over the time with my body, but I think that now the problem is my personality, and I have no fucking idea who I am anymore. And I hate this person living inside me, and I want to take of my skin and lay under all my blankets and let this person go and feel completely empty. Empty and nothing more. I don’t want to feel a single thing. I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of myself and not doing anything to change, but I don’t know how to change and I’m too fucking selfish to ask for help, because I want to feel exposed alone, I want to be alone, without any judging eyes but mine, because I can deal with those pretty well. I can hate myself, but I can’t bear the thought of anyone else hating me because I can deal with myself. I can’t deal with people. How do I make friends, how am I nice? How do I conquer someone’s trust? I don’t know. Should I just be myself? What if myself isn’t enough? I hate myself, how can anyone else like me? They can, that’s the thing. So I create this thing, this secondary human that’s what I would like to be and what I think other people would like. But I messed up the coding, because the end product is nothing like what I had expected, it deteriorated so fast, it became an even worse person than I ever thought was possible. And now that I’m trying to let go of this awful secondary person, I’m left with the selfish, pitiful part of myself, the part of myself that I despise the most. I hate being weak, I like being badass, but people don’t like that. Dad doesn’t like that. My friends don’t like that. I hate it. And now I’m crying and my vision is blurry and if I was driving it would just be so easy to swerve of the driveway and end everything. Here in the real world everything is hard, there’s feelings and responsibilities and other people to judge you and to hate you and I don’t like it. I want to go back to my bubble of happiness and loneliness, away from everyone, just being lazy old me.

But I don’t even know who I am anymore, so I can’t just be me, can I?

not worth reading

i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i lived in the city. i wish i were more interesting. i wish i could go out at night and go to festivals and make memories. i wish i was more confident. i wish i wasn't so insecure that all my friends are going to leave me for their friends, who happen to be so much cooler than me. i wish i liked myself more. i wish my legs were skinnier. i wish i didn't have a big butt. i was my stomach was flat. i wish i had the motivation to work out. i wish i loved my body. truly. i wish i had more money. i wish i could love the shows my friends watch. i wish i didn't spend all my time on youtube. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i could talk to my friends. i wish i knew myself better than i do. i wish i knew wether i'm actually bisexual or not, or if it's just a phase. i wish my dad didn't hate me. i wish my dad were normal. i wish he'd stop judging everything. i wish everyone would stop judging me. i wish i would stop thinking that anyone is judging me right now. i wish i wasn't crying right now. i wish my body didn't ache from some stupid weird reason. i wish i could sleep more. i wish i had more motivation. i wish i was braver. i wish i was creative. i wish i didn't feel like there's two someone's in my head, constantly battling over my brain. one keeps bringing me down, and is realistic, and the other is more positive and happy. i think right now they're fighting. they're having a really huge fight. i wish my parents didn't fight. i wish i could just move out and live by myself and have a job and have my life figured out. i wish i wasn't crying so hard right now. i wish i wasn't posting all this shit on my blog instead of trying to solve my issues. i wish i wasn't sad right now. i'm not sad. i hate being sad. i wish i could say this stuff out loud to someone without sounding whiny. i wish i wasn't so confused. i wish things went my way. i wish i could stop wanting things when i'm well aware that money runs short right now. i wish money didn't run short right now. i wish this pimple in my eyebrow didn't hurt so much. i wish people around me realized how nice their lives actually are. i wish i realized that. i wish i stopped wishing being anybody else. i wish i could stop wishing stuff. i wish i was a youtuber. i wish time would slow down. i wish school wasn't right around the corner. i hate school. i wish i didn't have social media, and that  didn't know people, so that i could stop comparing my actually kinda nice life to other people's lives. i wish i wasn't so self centered and fake. i wish i wasn't a bitch and i wish i was nice to people. for real.
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx

Rant

Hey!
I've never been a nice person. I mean, I care about my friends and their well being. But I hate physical contact and when someone tells me they love me. And I also apparently treat people like trash.
I don't treat people like trash. I just call them loads of names and pretend like I don't care.
Here's a secret: I do.
And a lot.
I just discovered this recently. I'm not the type to care. Or miss someone. Or feel hurt by someone's words. But recently they get to me. And I miss people.
Still, I put on this mask that I'm superior to everyone and that everyone is an idiot except for me. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe I should try and treat people more kindly? No, not more kindly. I like to think that I am kind. I do care, and I do try and make sure everyone is feeling alright. But maybe I should cut on the name calling and on the cold hearted bitch façade.
However, I've been putting on this façade for so long, it has become part of who I am. Obviously I don't think I'm superior to anyone, it's actually the contrary. But I find myself saying these things like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're *insert bad name*, and that's not nice. To have to talk to someone that keeps calling you names and attacking you constantly is not okay. I think everyone that I talk to knows that I'm just joking, but still. It's tiring. And it's not a nice thing to say slash write. So maybe I should try and be more nice. And stop calling people all these bad stuff.
But then again, that's the way I am. It's part of this character I've built throughout the years, this cute and kind person that is actually pretty aggressive and sassy. But maybe it's time to stop it.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the endless bad words and be nicer. More interesting.
I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm just really good at hiding it.
I don't even know what this is. I don't really care by now, I'm just bored out of my mind, and writing this stuff seems to help.
Also, my birthday was two days ago and now I'm kinda down. Don't know why. I don't even have motivation to watch GoT. Anyways.
Song of the post: I Found, by Amber Run. This music is magical.
Peace out dragons, and I'll see you later alligator.
Lorac xx

Birthdays and time

Hey!
You know when you miss someone so fucking much your heart aches for the next time you'll see them. And you can't stop thinking about the next time you'll meet the other person's eyes and hug them. It doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. Oh no. I'm talking about friends here. About the beautiful thing that is having a group of human being for whom you care so much that you'd live for them. No, I didn't get it wrong, and yes, I just made a twenty one pilots reference. Because everyone can be selfless enough to die for another person. To put their lives over your own. To save them. But it's kinda hard to live for them, to be alive for them, because you know it'll make them happy, because they feel the exact same way about you, and they love you just as much as you do. It's also hard to be selfish enough to live because you couldn't bear to not be with that other person, that other group of people who you care about so deeply that you feel a tightness in your chest, and you feel happy when they accomplish something big, happier than if it was you the one who accomplished. You'd go out of your way just to make sure theirs is the best one.
You'd do anything for them.

With my birthday being in seven days, I can't help but feel more than excited for the fact that I'll be seeing some of the most important people to me. And it makes me so unbelievably happy that they'll go out of their way to celebrate my day with me, when they could be doing anything else. And I know that birthdays mean nothing, and that it's just another day. But not for me. Birthdays have always been an excuse to do stuff out of the ordinary. To have my family around, to have dinner in a place other than my house, to visit my family in Lisbon, or for them to come visit me, to have my friends around, to do different stuff. (to get presents)(yes, call me a self centered bitch all you want, that's not exactly news)(and who doesn't love getting presents)(and I also love giving them, so I guess it's fine)(but I'm still a self centered bitch)
And also, you're celebrating the fact that you have survived another year. Still alive, and still going. And I think that celebrating life is one of the greatest things ever. And if it makes you happy, it's even better.
I've always been one of the only people I knew that loves getting older and celebrating my birthdays. Everyone is just, kinda scared to grow up and wants to not have responsabilities forever, and I've always been scared that maybe I was supposed to not want to grow up. But then I read somewhere that you're only scared of growing up because you fear that you won't do all the things you want before you die. But I'm not scare of that, I firmly believe that I'll do everything on my bucket list before I die, and that I'll live a happy and full live, no matter how old I am. Age shouldn't be a restriction and you should just accept the fact that you're growing up and move on. As long as you forget that you're going to die some day, you are immortal. And, even tho the fact that the end is nearer as the days go by has been trying to enter my mind slowly, it's still not quite there yet. So for now, I'm still immortal, and I still have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck I want.
Also, because my birthday is during the summer holidays, it's just an excuse to see everyone I adore and for them to come and love me, because usually during summer I turn into something that never gets out of the house to see their friends. Although that has been changing since this summer. But not quite.

So yeah. I'm getting old and that's the least of my problems.
Song of the post: One for the road, By Dodie Clark. (no, it's not the arctic monkeys song, although that's a pretty good one as well) This song is just so empowering and it makes me really really happy.

See ya later alligator. Also, peace out dragons.

Sherlock and tv shows and happiness

I think that the thing I love the most about watching a new TV show that I really enjoy is being able to finally watch the behind the scenes without any fear of spoilers, and also being able to search the tumblr tags and watch the youtube interviews and cast funny moments and still being able to hang on to that certain show, even though it's finished, or three years away. I just finished watching the last available episode of Sherlock, the BBC series, and let me tell you. That is some good shit, right there. The acting is so spot on and the fact it's set during the modern days is what attracted me the most. I'll be honest now, though, I do have a tiny little crush on Bennedict Cumberbatch (who doesn't amirite?), because he is indeed really handsome, but, oh my angel, I think this is the show where I've caught myself smiling the most, and where I've laughed the loudest and where I got the most chills from. Getting addicted to a new thing, a show in this case, means changing the way I see things. Throughout the whole time I was watching Sherlock, I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not a mind palace would actually be real and possible, and not just a writer's creation. I also thought about how much I wanted to be as smart as Sherlock, and how I wanted to ve able to analyze everything and make deductions so fast. Sherlock Holmes is now definitely one of my favorite characters of all time, because of how complex and rich he is. Sherlock didn't fail us fangirls when it comes to character developing, although it does leave a lot for us to think about and to "deduce" ourselves about Sherlock and John, which is a detail that I love about anything that I watch. It makes me want more and more. So, until 2017, our this year's special Victorian episode, I'll bury myself in behind the scenes and funny moments and Johnlock fan art (even though I'm probably the only one who absolutely DESPISES it) and character development texts on tumblr. But it's not just the tv show is it? It's also all that it implies. All the staff behind the cameras, the directors, the script writers, the producers, even the actors. All the friendships and even relationships that are formed, and now I'm not talking about Sherlock specifically. All of this reminds me, us, viewers, that there's life behind all of the shows we watch and love. There's humans, lives, sentiment behind all of that. Memories created, happiness, sadness, and stress and all that comes with producing a show, or a movie, or anything. I can't talk from personal experience but I can indeed talk about these behind the scenes, and these youtubers videos that I watch, about how stressful everything actually is. But also about how worth it it is in the end. How they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. How happy they are that they get these opotunities for creating these 'masterpieaces'. And maybe it's all staged. Maybe it's all an acted, and nothing is real, and they're being paid to say those lovely things. But I like to believe it's not fake. That is really, and that the happiness is genuine. And that makes me a tad bit happier as well. Because I've felt that way, proud and happy and completely fulfilled (kinda sorta) and it reminds me of that and it makes ME even happier, that there are still people there content. it also makes me really want to produce my own movie. maybe someday. i also love that fact that BBC doesn't forget the fangirls and includes some johnlock in the show. really proud of how far we've come. even though i hate johnlock. Music of the day: Proof, by Paramore. It's a love song, but a happy one, and it always makes me feel all giddy and romantic and happy for at least 3 minutes and 15 seconds. It makes me feel as if I'm the one singing the song. Happy. Happy is good. See ya later, alligator.

Trapped

I'm trapped.
Okay. Let me rephrase that.
I feel trapped.
I feel trapped inside the walls of my bedroom. My small, cozy, overfilled bedroom, filled with memories and tears and laughter. And a whole lot of sadness.
I barely get out of the house, so when I do, it's usually pretty epic. So when I went to this summer university thing for a week, things were beyond epic. And that's saying something.
We all know that when I talk about something or someone on the blog, it means that 'that' was really a really big thing. And this summer university was probably one of the biggest and greatest choices I've done until now. And one of the best.
This past week, from the 19th to the 24th was the fastest and most tiring and emotional week I've had. It was the most alive I felt. I didn't feel happy all the time. Hell no! I felt so frustrated and sad and down for some unknown reason. And you know what? That's totally okay. It added to the experience.
I met so many great and wonderfull people, friends that I have no idea if they'll be for life, but that I would adore if they would be in my life for a little longer. I learned so much. I made my own android game! Sure it was full of bugs and easily cheatable, but I MADE THAT! From scratch, on my own. Obviously with a help of the teachers, and three friends. But still. It's a playable thing on an android phone. Not on mine though. It doesn't work on mine.
But I didn't just learn the technical stuff about computers and stuff. I also learned a lot about my city and myself and life? I don't know. We had a judo lesson on wednesday and there's one thing the instructor said that's stuck in my mind since then. "In judo, you need to learn how to fall. How to fall the right way, so that you can get up right away, to keep fighting." Okay, I already kind of knew that, I had judo lessons for four years when I was yonger, so no big deal. But then he said something else that went something along these lines "It's just like in life, you can't spend too much time being broken, you need to keep living the right way, you need to get up right away.".
These were probably not the right words, but the idea is there and the idea is now sort of my moto.
That's why I think I'm handling this so 'well'. And I say well with quotation marks because I'm on the verge of tears all the time because I miss that so much. I miss not being trapped in my house. I miss being able to go outside and explore and be with new and amazing people.
I've discovered that I actaully love meeting new people, and going out, and making friends, and talking.
I've discovered that I can be whoever the fuck I want, that I have the potential. I can become an actress, a CEO, a member of a band, the greastest student ever, or even be rich. I just have to work on it. Not be lazy. I promised myself that I'm gonna start and work more on learning more songs on the guitar. That I'm gonna try and work more on the development part. I'm goint to learn more about coding languages and phones and computers and all that fun stuff. I'm going to get my ass of Twitter and Instagram and use my internet for more intelegent stuff.
Basically doing the stuff my dad has been telling me for the past few years wow.
Obviously I'm going to keep watching Game Of Thrones and Teen Wolf and other shows and movies that I want to watch. And obviously I'm going to keep going on twitter and reading dumb shit and posting stupid selfies on instagram. But I'm not going to be doing just that. I've got the little push I needed to start working on the things I've wanted to start working on for so long, now I just need to keep going.
But most of all, I think that the thing that is going to stick with me the most, beside all of the learning and exercise and not so many sleep hours, is going to be the people.
I'm so happy for the fact that I chose computer engeneering instead of any other course, because I got to meet the amazing (don't tell them i said this tho shhh) nerdy human beings I met. Those are my favorite kind. We spent a lot of time having nerd talks (mostly with me just listening because I don't get any of that stuff yet) and musical moments, followed by a lot of awkward silences. But that was okay because seconds later we were already goofing around and overall having a really great time. For someone who didn't think would fit in, I think I did a really good job. Sure, I said some stupid shit and I did argue a lot with my good friend that went with me, but I argue with Hanna all the time, so it's fine. I still like him to death. And yes, I was annoying as hell. But that's me, deal with it.
So I think that for now I'll try and do more stuff and be more active and live more.
I know I'll have the memories of a really good week and I found some nice people that I think I can call my friends. I learned to love my city and where I came from. I learned to love me a little bit more. And I learned to love getting out of my small bedroom.
So yeah. I guess I'll se ya later alligator.
Song of the post: Help!, by The Beatles. (there's a story behind this song. basically i say 'HALP' a lot of times during the day, and during this week was no exception. so there's this guy, let's call him axel, and he sang a song related to whatever word we said. so he sang 'help, i need somebody, help...' everytime i screamed for halp. so, he sang that on the last day, when we were getting out of the closing ceremony and going into our parents cars, when i said halp, and the song has been on my head ever since, so i guess it's kind of like, the whole theme of the week. also, the song has some really nice lyrics slash message i guess)

feeling too much

i thought i would video-record this, but i realized that i'm too afraid that my parents burst into my bedroom and then it would just get weird. so i'm gonna write instead.
so, i just got back from my weekend with jess in the city. i don't think i can explain what i'm feeling right now. i guees it's too much. let's start from the beggining.
i got there friday afternoon and i spent it with another girl that came and we sat in the garden jess has at the back of her house and we enjoyed the sun and the peace of school break. it's so fucking hot outside, but it's so peaceful, so we just layed in the grass, talking about meaningless stuff, and that's when i realized that maybe that weekend was going to be a weird one. we also made pancakes and sang along to all of the camp rock songs, and i've never felt more alive. jumping and yelling at a lifeless tv screen and preteng that we were seven all over again and i was just loosing my mind and going with the flow. i almost lost my voice, as well as my legs, but it was so fucking worth. if you have the chance, for just one day, just dance around and scream the lyrics of your favorite album. honestly, it's the best thing you can do to help yourself.
 then the friend was gone. and john texts us saying that there's something happening in a town that's near where jess lives. and by something i mean a party. it isn't exactly a party. more like those traditional little festivals all small towns have, where the elders gather around and dance to the sound of really awful music, but no one seems to care because they're just having a good time. so we went. bare in my mind this was my first 'night out', even though i wouldn't consider it a 'night out' because we just stayed there, watching everyone dancing. so me and jess get ready and we went to the thing where john and the rest of his friends were. man, that was one great night. john's friends are cool. me and jess were the only girls in the group, but that didn't matter. we had just known the guys and that didn't make anything awkward for anyone. we played pool and jess danced and me and john and another guy watched all of these people dance and we also ate food and drank coke and i ate maltesers. we got home at one and a half in the morning from one of my favorite nights ever.
I don't think you understand. I don't go out. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I'm what you would consider a outgoing girl, but I rather stay at home than go out. I'm always the one who doesn't go when my class goes out and drinks and has fun.
And yes, this wasn't really 'going out into the night and getting wasted and losing my virginity', but it was still amazing and I met so many new people and I think I did well. Saturday we woke up really late. I ended up going to Jess' scouts thingy and tbfh it was kinda boring, mainly because I just sat there and watched for three hours, but in a way it felt good to just be there and watch from afar and just be. Not worrying about a thing and just be there. We got home and did nothing and then GUESS WHAT? We went again to the little small town party. More people came (not that many people though) and we already knew each other so it wasn't that bad. I got showered with Game Of Thrones season finale's spoilers and we played table football and pool and we roamed around and I had as much fun as the day before.
we got home at two am and we fell asleep at three and a half in the morning. then shit got weird. during that falling asleep time, me and jess were on twitter just waiting for sleep to come, when we saw a tweet from our good friend john about something related to love. so, as the curious little bitches we are, we started messing with him and asking for him to tell us who the special girl was. but i think that things got a bit out of hand. and i also think he's mad at us. and i started feeling like shit like i always do when it comes to getting weird with friends and not knowing.
the thing is, jess speaks to james more than i do, and i can't help but feel kind of jealous for the fact that she can make conversations so easily and i'm just the weird potato sitting in the corner. and also james and ian are not here and they're there but there seems like too far away but at the same time they have to have friends and i just feel like i should stop caring at all but i love them like my brothers and loosing a brother is something i never thought i would have to go through because i'm an only child. but the thing is, when we get together is just like the old times and it feels as if nothing has changed and we're the same, but i love those moments so fucking much i want to have them all the times.
 so when it comes to these new friendships i'm creating with the people in my class, i'm trying to make them as honest and as great as possible, and i'm trying to cherish them and make them last, BUT THAT DOESN'T GO WELL WHEN THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T COOPERATE and it makes me mad because it's my fault and what can i do to try and change and help the friendship stay alive but also i shouldn't be changing for these stuff to work because the other person should accept me as i am bUT WHAT IF WHAT I AM IS NOT ENOUGH?
 the thing is, it has to be. There's no one out there like you, and if you and someone are friends, you being you will always be enough. You are friends because of who you are. Friendships are living on top of the people's personalities, so it has to be enough. Because you are you, and there's nothing more you can do to fill the already full cup of yourself. So what I'm trying to do is stop worrying about this and try and cherish what I have. I have great friends and that is enough.
Yes, sometimes I'll feel bad and jealous, but I'll try and think about these people that are in my life now and making it what it is.
I watched Inside Out today and if there's one lesson that I learned is that there needs to be sadness for the happiness to come. It's so easy to feel sad about something, but happiness exists because those sad moments exist as well. It's like we need to go down for us to go up, or something like that. The opposite. Like an arrow that is pulled back before it goes forward. If it wasn't for these sad little things, happiness wouldn't be there and we wouldn't feel it as strong as we do.
 I don't think I'm always as happy as I was last year, but there are some moments when I just feel this rush of happiness and it's so strong it almost knocks me out and at the same time I want it to go on and on and on. And right now, I need to continue living and being and let it flow and ENJOY IT!
I watched Dodie's video Just a few nostalgic tears and I just realized what I've been realizing ever since I came into this new school. I am growing up, and with each day that goes by I am closer to being an adult and leaving school and it scares the shit out of me if I'm being honest, but at the same time, as Carrie once said, it's exciting because new experiences.
Growing up it's something that we just have to do, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun and be awesome and stuff.
So yeah. That was today's post. This was more a post for myself than for the shadows out there, but thanks for reading as always.
Sorry for the bad grammar.
Soundtrack: Somewhere only we know, by Keane. Old but gold.
I'm off to watch Game Of Thrones.
See ya later aligator

Thoughts on feeling confused

Hey!
GUESS WHAT MY BLOG IS ALMOST ONE YEAR OLD AND IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST YEY?
I can explain.
So there's this thing called school and it has been taking up all of my life for the past months. And there's this thing called Teen Wolf, that has got me hooked up like good cocaine and it pretty much destroyed my whole existence. And there's this band called twenty one pilots, and right now they're the only band I've listened to for the past three weeks. And there's this thing called MY FUCKING BRAIN THAT WON'T STOP WORKING AND WORRING IF I'M LOOSING JAMES AND IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I'M JUST TOO ANNOYING AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND IT ALSO HAS GOT ME CRUSHING ON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BOY THAT IS REMOTELY NICE TO ME, AND EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT NICE, IT'S FINE, I DON'T CARE, I'LL JUST CRUSH ON THEM AND WHISH THEY WERE KISSING MY LIPS.
Like, right now, my hormones are jumping up and down. They have been doing this for the past five hours. All of this because I spent a fucking hour near some friends and a really nice looking guy and I really really wanted to jump on him. What is happening to me? I think this is why James has been ignoring me and I can't make friends and aufdhjed.
But on the other hand, I finally found something that actually caught my attention and made me really addicted like it used to. Teen Wolf is so great and amazing but can we just talk about (season 3 spoilers) the fact that Allison fucking dies and Isaac just leaves?! They were my favourite characters and now they're both gone. Scott was supposed to end up with Allison, they were meant to be. But I guess that at the same time, this show is pretty realistic because these things just happen in really life. Not the part where your ex-girlfriend slash love of your life gets killed by an oni. But you get me.
You remember when I used to get so excited because there was a green little dot right next to James name on facebook, because it meant he was online and therefore, going to talk to me? Now it only makes my heart ache and I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that there's no more Steam message sound or Facebook messages. Now he has his class and his friends and I guess I'm just kinda jealous. He was always there and now he's not and he's talking to other people and it seems like he just forgot about me and Maia, my best friend. It feels like we were left out. I was left out. We were the fantastic trio, me, James and Maia. Now they have their own classes, their own friends. And what am I doing? Watching fucking Teen Wolf until two am and crushing on everyone and fangirling way too loud on the school halls and scaring every single fucking person way with my shy slash way too loud personality and with my crazy mood swings.
I swear, last year, I was so much happier and so much lightweighted. I didn't realized I was going to leave behind some of my greatest friendships I've ever made and that I was going to just jump into a whole new class. No one really knows me, and I haven't really 'clicked' with anyone like I clicked with James, Maia, Ian, and the rest of my class. I'm still holding on to them, even though this year is two days away from ending. And I don't know. I don't know how I feel anymore, and don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel. How the hell am I supposed to act so people will enjoy being around me? So that there's someone who will enjoy having my presence and I will enjoy it back?
 I guess the problem here is the fact that I don't enjoy other's prensence, I can't like people and I have no fucking clue on how to properly speak to them without looking like a fucking freak. I want to make great friendships, and learn everything and have good grades and fall in love and all of that, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can't support humans? I don't understand anything at all, and right now, it's too late too even try.
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up I'll understand it a little bit better.
Song of the day: Astronaut, by Simple Plan And Polarize, by twenty one pilots. (srlsy, the whole 'blurryface' album is just great)
 Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx

Writing.

Dear Loyal Shadows
*gasps* LORAC WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT HOW YOU START YOUR BLOG POSTS!
yeah, you're right shadows.

Hey!
Writing has always been an escape for me. I always wrote to escape from real life, from my problems, from my parents, from school. Creating characters and lives completely different from mine was a way of living a second hidden life. Writing about myself also helped. The amount of diaries scattered around the house with my messy handwritting on them is too big to keep track. But then I grew up. I got lazy. My thoughts became more and more messy and I knew that writing was the way to keep myself sane. So I started writing on my computer. Stories. Things that happened at school. Anything. I created blogs. You're not the first one, I'm sorry. What I can say is that, yes, you are the one I stuck with for the longest time. Writing online always gave me the feeling that I had to keep writing, I had some sort of deal with whoever is out there, that I had to keep writng, that once it's on the internet, you have to keep going.
That's not exactly how it works, is it?
Last week I finished reading Girl Online, by Zoella, and at some point the main character says "The thought of writing stuff to myself in a diary seems a bit pointless really. I want to feel like someone, somewhere, will be able to read what I've got to say. That's why I've decided to give this blog a go-so that I have somewhere I can say exactly what I want, when I want and how I want-to someone. And not have to worry that what I say won't sound cool or will make me look stupid or lose friends. That's why this blog is anonymous. So that I can totally be me." It's in the beggining, and if you go on Amazon you can find this written there. My point is. This is the main reason I wanted to write a blog. To be able to say whatever the fuck I want without someone judging me. Because 1. No one reads this and 2. It's anonymous. I'm hidden under the name Lorac. If someone doesn't like what I say, it's not my problem. This is my blog. My opinions. My little space on the internet. It started of as a place to share my love for anime but it slowly grew as a diary, an online diary. To share whatever the fuck was going on with me with the internet, with hopes that someone, somewhere, would find it and be like, 'Hey, I'm not alone in this. This girl Lorac is going though the same as me'. I wrote this blog for myself, but I was to lazy to write it by hand and the thought of having this abandoned in some dark corner of my computer made me sad and it wouldn't motivate me to keep writing. So I write to someone, the internet, the shadows, and I tell them, you, my day, my life, how I feel. I express myself, my opinions, my fear, hoping that someone will help me, and tell me it's fine, you're not weird. But also hoping that no one ever sees this, because this is my little hidden corner and it's fine without any human eyes beside mine reading it. This blog became sort of my friend in a way, because I tell him everything, without holding back. That was the purpose of this blog, and it still is.
I love writing here. I love telling someone about what is going on, without having to impress someone. Just being me. And I'm fine with it.
Writing has been my passion since I know how to write. But before, I wrote stories for others to read and for them to talk about how good I was, and for my self esteem to be raised. But now I write for myself, to keep me sane, to keep all these thoughts in a safe place, to make my head a little bit lighter, clearer, in hopes that if I write it down that maybe things wouldn't be so hard to face.
And maybe things are still the same. Maybe everything is as hard as ever. But right now, I'm feeling a little bit better than I did 5 months ago, and it's mainly because of this. So thank you, shadows, for always being there for me.

Music of the day: Here comes the sun, cover by Tom Rosenthal, from the Rocks that Bleed 'soundtrack'

Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx