Hey!
Exactly three months have passed since I last posted on here.
Am I supposed to give an excuse? Because I don't have one.
Okay... I've been wanting to write something, to just put out there what I was feeling and thinking.
A lot of stuff has been happening.
For example, those four badminton tournments I went to. The day before yesterday was the last one and man, that was a great day. I spent the day with three human beings from my class and some other humans from my school who I got to know better. My legs and arms still hurt from playing (and not winning) and my belly still hurts from all the laughter I did. It was really great, specially because of these two males I met who are nice. I don't know I'VE ONLY MET THEM FOR ONE DAY AND THERE'S THIS ONE GUY WHO KEEPS COMING INTO MY MIND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON I'M REALLY 'INFACTUATED' BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW BECAUSE I BARELY KNOW HIM BUT HE SEEMED REALLY NICE AND I WANT TO GET TO KNOW HIM BUT SPRING BREAK IS THREE WEEKS AND GRAHFNBDJKBFD AND I'M REALLY CONFUSED BECAUSE I WANT TO STOP THINKING! I want to stop thinking about badminton, about how much I suck and how much I want to improve. I want to stop thinking about how I want to kiss Mike's face non-stop but at the same time I want to crawl away from him because of everything that's going on. I want to stop thinking about Jess, and how I want to help her and make her okay but then again I need to think about myself, and my sanity, and how I can't help her, because she needs to help herself, but I'm so scared she'll do something dumb and UGH and I want to stop thinking about how much I want to be a youtuber, or a film maker, or a coding engineer or whatever and I want to stop thinking about the fact that everything is great but the future is coming and in two years I'll be done with school and I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY but I want to explore the world and be wiser and win the nobel prize for chemistry for finding the cure for a rare desease and I want to be sucessful but I can't be fucking sucessful when all I think about is if James and Ian still consider me as their friends, or if I got too weird for them or if I'm becoming one of those annoying girls I don't want to be. I talk to much, I make too much a fool of myself. I don't want to loose James or Ian or Mike or Cole or Maia or Jess or anyone in my class or any friend. I want to help people around the world be more confident and be happier because I think that'll help me be happier but I am happy, I do have a great life and everything is great but I'm such a looser why would anyone want to befriend me and I keep thinking that maybe that guy I met Thursday, Joe, that maybe he thinks I'm cool and maybe he'll like me but then I'm like, nope, not happening, you're too weird for anybody, you'll end up with three hundred cats and living under a bridge. But then I'm really confident I think I'm amazing and awesome because I quote lyrics and books and I watch a lot of youtube and I spend a lot of my time on the internet and for me that is normal and I think that I am fine, I am amazing and everyone else is a peasant, I'm superior. That's the image I like to think I put on everyday, and I like to think that that is true because eventually I'll believe in it.
But things would work better if I just stopped thinking.
But I can't.
So I'll just keep on writing and feeling and let it be.
And trying to feel as amazing and awesome as possible.
I'm a strong and idependent woman who needs no one to move forward.
The only one I'll ever need is me.
Song of the day: The Sharpest Lives, by My Chemical Romance
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
(july 2015 update: joe has a girlfriend. typical)
