Dear Loyal Shadows
*gasps* LORAC WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT HOW YOU START YOUR BLOG POSTS!
yeah, you're right shadows.
Hey!
Writing has always been an escape for me. I always wrote to escape from real life, from my problems, from my parents, from school. Creating characters and lives completely different from mine was a way of living a second hidden life. Writing about myself also helped. The amount of diaries scattered around the house with my messy handwritting on them is too big to keep track. But then I grew up. I got lazy. My thoughts became more and more messy and I knew that writing was the way to keep myself sane. So I started writing on my computer. Stories. Things that happened at school. Anything. I created blogs. You're not the first one, I'm sorry. What I can say is that, yes, you are the one I stuck with for the longest time. Writing online always gave me the feeling that I had to keep writing, I had some sort of deal with whoever is out there, that I had to keep writng, that once it's on the internet, you have to keep going.
That's not exactly how it works, is it?
Last week I finished reading Girl Online, by Zoella, and at some point the main character says "The thought of writing stuff to myself in a diary seems a bit pointless really. I want to feel like someone, somewhere, will be able to read what I've got to say. That's why I've decided to give this blog a go-so that I have somewhere I can say exactly what I want, when I want and how I want-to someone. And not have to worry that what I say won't sound cool or will make me look stupid or lose friends. That's why this blog is anonymous. So that I can totally be me." It's in the beggining, and if you go on Amazon you can find this written there. My point is. This is the main reason I wanted to write a blog. To be able to say whatever the fuck I want without someone judging me. Because 1. No one reads this and 2. It's anonymous. I'm hidden under the name Lorac. If someone doesn't like what I say, it's not my problem. This is my blog. My opinions. My little space on the internet. It started of as a place to share my love for anime but it slowly grew as a diary, an online diary. To share whatever the fuck was going on with me with the internet, with hopes that someone, somewhere, would find it and be like, 'Hey, I'm not alone in this. This girl Lorac is going though the same as me'. I wrote this blog for myself, but I was to lazy to write it by hand and the thought of having this abandoned in some dark corner of my computer made me sad and it wouldn't motivate me to keep writing. So I write to someone, the internet, the shadows, and I tell them, you, my day, my life, how I feel. I express myself, my opinions, my fear, hoping that someone will help me, and tell me it's fine, you're not weird. But also hoping that no one ever sees this, because this is my little hidden corner and it's fine without any human eyes beside mine reading it. This blog became sort of my friend in a way, because I tell him everything, without holding back. That was the purpose of this blog, and it still is.
I love writing here. I love telling someone about what is going on, without having to impress someone. Just being me. And I'm fine with it.
Writing has been my passion since I know how to write. But before, I wrote stories for others to read and for them to talk about how good I was, and for my self esteem to be raised. But now I write for myself, to keep me sane, to keep all these thoughts in a safe place, to make my head a little bit lighter, clearer, in hopes that if I write it down that maybe things wouldn't be so hard to face.
And maybe things are still the same. Maybe everything is as hard as ever. But right now, I'm feeling a little bit better than I did 5 months ago, and it's mainly because of this. So thank you, shadows, for always being there for me.
Music of the day: Here comes the sun, cover by Tom Rosenthal, from the Rocks that Bleed 'soundtrack'
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
