Hey!
So, 2015 is ending, and I obviously had to make a blog post about it because a) I haven't posted in a while b)I'm feeling creative and c) 2015 was a weird one.
I can barely remember how it started, because I have the memory of a goldfish, but I do remember I wasn't in such a good place through the last three months of 2014. But I think that I started to get better in 2015. It was a pretty normal, uneventful beginning of year. I ended tenth grade with good grades and everything was okay. And then summer great, and oh boy, were things great. I went to so many places, met so many new people, learned so many new things, I grew up, and I wouldn't change a things. I did so many new things and I was so happy, and I have never felt more alive than then. Summer '15 was so much better than summer '14, and I was a really happy person in '14, so you can only imagine what I was like. It was such a big surprise because 10th grade didn't start well, and I distanced from James and Ian and the things that made me happy that year that I thought that I wouldn't feel that happiness again. And I didn't feel that happiness. I felt so much more than happiness, I created so many memories, and that's why it was so great. I lived outside my bedroom walls, and it wasn't as bad as they made it seem. Then eleventh grade began, and school began, and John began, and then I wasn't so happy because I thought that having a boyfriend wasn't for me. I broke up with him. And then I realized that I was wrong and we got back together and everything is okay and we've been dating for two months and im pretty sure i love him okay can we stop talking about this now?
2015 was a great overall. I experienced so many new things, and I can't wait to see what next year has in store for me. And I know, that sounds really cheesy and cliche, but I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, and that's a sentence I thought I wouldn't ever say a year ago. So much has changed and I'm so glad for it. I realized I actually like change, and that's great.
Really.
So now I'm off to put up with overly excited people when I'd rather be with John and the rest of this new group of people that I became friends with and they're really cool. I hate new years, I think it's fucking ridiculous how we make such a big deal out of the change of one day. I think it's a good time to think about all the shit you've done throughout the year, but it's not because another 365 days have passed that this is the only day to make a change in our lives, to start something new. It's stupid. Today is as good of a day to change, as is tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. We let the rotation of our planet determine our lives, but fucking hell, we're the ones living it, we're the ones in control. I've made my new years resolutions already, goals that I want to achieve next year, because I didn't achieve them this year. They're reminders of the things that are most important to me, and also, I love making lists. And it's a tradition. But it's just dumb how we cling onto this date, how we use it as an excuse to seek our dreams this year like this is our last chance. It's not. Tomorrow is a day as well. Life doesn't have a fucking expiration date, and we don't need to be dictated by numbers we call days. Time is just a concept we created, if you think about it, it doesn't really affect anything, does it?
I watched mr. robot in a day and that's officially my new favorite tv show. As well as Quantico. I watched that in an afternoon. I'm going mad. I finished got. Finally. I'm happy.
Song of the day/year i guess: Revolt, by muse. That's one hell of a good song, and I think it sums up my year pretty well.
See ya later alligator,
Lorac xx
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Friday, October 30, 2015
life update because i'm so fucking interesting
So, the
past few posts have been kinda sad and down, so I thought I’d make a happier
post to break the chain. Also because I haven’t posted in a while. I guess.
Guess who
got a boyfriend? I bought it at target for 2,99$, it was a great deal.
Jokes.
There’s not
even a target in Portugal.
But yes.
Lorac is
not single anymore.
And no, I’m
not dating James, much to the sadness of 14-year-old me. His name is JOHN
CENAAAAAAA TOO TOOROTOOOOO
Not, he’s
not John Cena, but he is the John that I talked about that went with us to the
little town festival at night. Yes. That John.
Thinking
about it now, anyone who reads this might think that it was all too sudden, and
I didn’t talk about him enough on the blog. I haven’t. I was actually too busy
living to post it in the blog. But the posts about trying to be nicer and
wanting to rip the skin of my face were about stuff that happened with him.
Yeah, we didn’t start off that good. Stuff happened in this past weekend. But
everything’s fine now, I guess. More than fine, actually.
The thing
is (I say this expression a lot, I need to stop), we started dating four days
ago (WOOP WOOP LONGEST REALATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD IT’S A RECORD WOOP WOOP) but
we knew we liked each other for some time. And then stuff got weird. And then
it got fine. I don’t want to go into detail because, even though this is my
blog and sorta my journal, there’s just stuff I can’t write about. At least for
now.
But I think
I like him way too much. I can’t keep my hands of him, and I can’t stop
thinking about him, and wanting to kiss him and breathe him in, and I’ve never
liked anyone this was before, and everything is so new, and what if I’m feeling
too much too fast? What if this is just a thing in the spur in the moment, and
before we know it it’s gone? I don’t want it to be gone. I want this to last
for a while, at least. I feel so good and happy when I’m with him, and when I
talk to him, and I keep thinking that I only like his attention, but my mum
said I’m just overthinking and I should just go with the flow. So I guess
that’s what I’ll do, and when I get to wherever the flows taking me, I’ll tell
you more about it.
I don’t
think I’m in love. I don’t wanna think I’m in love because it’s still too
fucking soon plus previous ‘relationship experiences’ make me doubt every
single fucking thing my brain produces. I know I like him. A lot. And I know I
want to go to FUCKING DUBLIN WITH HIM AND MY FRIENDS AAAAHHH THREE NIGHTS IN
IRELAND CAN YOU FEEL MY HAPPINESS I’VE NEVER FLEW BEFORE, SO THIS IS GOING TO
BE AWESOME but there’s the slight chance of me not going. So that’s sad.
So I’m not
single anymore. That sucks. I was just starting to love the single life. Oh
well. I guess John makes up for it.
And jfc
that boy has the dirtiest mind ever, this is what I have to deal with daily
he’s such a jerk I like him a lot.
Also we’re
in the same class. Everyone tries to grab him to make me feel jealous. I feel
jealous. They succeeded. My maths teacher teased us today.
Life is
weird. I love it.
Song of the
day: the whole ‘Black Lines’ album. Mayday Parade’s new album is just so
fucking great, jfc I love it to death. My favorite song has to be one of them
will destroy the other. It’s so great. Also I can play letting go on the
acoustic guitar and it sounds so beautiful. And Drive, by Halsey, pretty much
describes my life. Halsey is great.
Peace out
dragons, and see ya later alligator xx
PS-this
post is just an update for future me that’ll be reading through this blog in
two years time and regretting all my life choices I’m making right now. I’m
sorry. I’m having too much fun to stop now.
PPS- also
expect a lot of lovesick teenager posts because I feel really creative right
now. Mainly to write in Portuguese, which is my native language, but something
in English may come out of this brain of mine, so I’m sorry in advance if I
make you vomit because of my disgustingly cute words.
Kay baii
Monday, October 5, 2015
how did i end up here
I want to
rip the skin of my face and of my body and just leave me with my flesh and
bones because that’s exactly how I feel right now. Exposed, naked, fragile.
Weak. I don’t know this person I’ve become. I’ve became more confident over the
time with my body, but I think that now the problem is my personality, and I
have no fucking idea who I am anymore. And I hate this person living inside me,
and I want to take of my skin and lay under all my blankets and let this person
go and feel completely empty. Empty and nothing more. I don’t want to feel a
single thing. I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of myself and not doing
anything to change, but I don’t know how to change and I’m too fucking selfish
to ask for help, because I want to feel exposed alone, I want to be alone,
without any judging eyes but mine, because I can deal with those pretty well. I
can hate myself, but I can’t bear the thought of anyone else hating me because
I can deal with myself. I can’t deal with people. How do I make friends, how am
I nice? How do I conquer someone’s trust? I don’t know. Should I just be
myself? What if myself isn’t enough? I hate myself, how can anyone else like
me? They can, that’s the thing. So I create this thing, this secondary human
that’s what I would like to be and what I think other people would like. But I
messed up the coding, because the end product is nothing like what I had
expected, it deteriorated so fast, it became an even worse person than I ever
thought was possible. And now that I’m trying to let go of this awful secondary
person, I’m left with the selfish, pitiful part of myself, the part of myself
that I despise the most. I hate being weak, I like being badass, but people
don’t like that. Dad doesn’t like that. My friends don’t like that. I hate it.
And now I’m crying and my vision is blurry and if I was driving it would just
be so easy to swerve of the driveway and end everything. Here in the real world
everything is hard, there’s feelings and responsibilities and other people to
judge you and to hate you and I don’t like it. I want to go back to my bubble
of happiness and loneliness, away from everyone, just being lazy old me.
But I don’t
even know who I am anymore, so I can’t just be me, can I?
Saturday, August 29, 2015
not worth reading
i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i lived in the city. i wish i were more interesting. i wish i could go out at night and go to festivals and make memories. i wish i was more confident. i wish i wasn't so insecure that all my friends are going to leave me for their friends, who happen to be so much cooler than me. i wish i liked myself more. i wish my legs were skinnier. i wish i didn't have a big butt. i was my stomach was flat. i wish i had the motivation to work out. i wish i loved my body. truly. i wish i had more money. i wish i could love the shows my friends watch. i wish i didn't spend all my time on youtube. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i could talk to my friends. i wish i knew myself better than i do. i wish i knew wether i'm actually bisexual or not, or if it's just a phase. i wish my dad didn't hate me. i wish my dad were normal. i wish he'd stop judging everything. i wish everyone would stop judging me. i wish i would stop thinking that anyone is judging me right now. i wish i wasn't crying right now. i wish my body didn't ache from some stupid weird reason. i wish i could sleep more. i wish i had more motivation. i wish i was braver. i wish i was creative. i wish i didn't feel like there's two someone's in my head, constantly battling over my brain. one keeps bringing me down, and is realistic, and the other is more positive and happy. i think right now they're fighting. they're having a really huge fight. i wish my parents didn't fight. i wish i could just move out and live by myself and have a job and have my life figured out. i wish i wasn't crying so hard right now. i wish i wasn't posting all this shit on my blog instead of trying to solve my issues. i wish i wasn't sad right now. i'm not sad. i hate being sad. i wish i could say this stuff out loud to someone without sounding whiny. i wish i wasn't so confused. i wish things went my way. i wish i could stop wanting things when i'm well aware that money runs short right now. i wish money didn't run short right now. i wish this pimple in my eyebrow didn't hurt so much. i wish people around me realized how nice their lives actually are. i wish i realized that. i wish i stopped wishing being anybody else. i wish i could stop wishing stuff. i wish i was a youtuber. i wish time would slow down. i wish school wasn't right around the corner. i hate school. i wish i didn't have social media, and that didn't know people, so that i could stop comparing my actually kinda nice life to other people's lives. i wish i wasn't so self centered and fake. i wish i wasn't a bitch and i wish i was nice to people. for real.
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx
Friday, August 21, 2015
Rant
Hey!
I've never been a nice person. I mean, I care about my friends and their well being. But I hate physical contact and when someone tells me they love me. And I also apparently treat people like trash.
I don't treat people like trash. I just call them loads of names and pretend like I don't care.
Here's a secret: I do.
And a lot.
I just discovered this recently. I'm not the type to care. Or miss someone. Or feel hurt by someone's words. But recently they get to me. And I miss people.
Still, I put on this mask that I'm superior to everyone and that everyone is an idiot except for me. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe I should try and treat people more kindly? No, not more kindly. I like to think that I am kind. I do care, and I do try and make sure everyone is feeling alright. But maybe I should cut on the name calling and on the cold hearted bitch façade.
However, I've been putting on this façade for so long, it has become part of who I am. Obviously I don't think I'm superior to anyone, it's actually the contrary. But I find myself saying these things like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're *insert bad name*, and that's not nice. To have to talk to someone that keeps calling you names and attacking you constantly is not okay. I think everyone that I talk to knows that I'm just joking, but still. It's tiring. And it's not a nice thing to say slash write. So maybe I should try and be more nice. And stop calling people all these bad stuff.
But then again, that's the way I am. It's part of this character I've built throughout the years, this cute and kind person that is actually pretty aggressive and sassy. But maybe it's time to stop it.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the endless bad words and be nicer. More interesting.
I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm just really good at hiding it.
I don't even know what this is. I don't really care by now, I'm just bored out of my mind, and writing this stuff seems to help.
Also, my birthday was two days ago and now I'm kinda down. Don't know why. I don't even have motivation to watch GoT. Anyways.
Song of the post: I Found, by Amber Run. This music is magical.
Peace out dragons, and I'll see you later alligator.
Lorac xx
I've never been a nice person. I mean, I care about my friends and their well being. But I hate physical contact and when someone tells me they love me. And I also apparently treat people like trash.
I don't treat people like trash. I just call them loads of names and pretend like I don't care.
Here's a secret: I do.
And a lot.
I just discovered this recently. I'm not the type to care. Or miss someone. Or feel hurt by someone's words. But recently they get to me. And I miss people.
Still, I put on this mask that I'm superior to everyone and that everyone is an idiot except for me. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe I should try and treat people more kindly? No, not more kindly. I like to think that I am kind. I do care, and I do try and make sure everyone is feeling alright. But maybe I should cut on the name calling and on the cold hearted bitch façade.
However, I've been putting on this façade for so long, it has become part of who I am. Obviously I don't think I'm superior to anyone, it's actually the contrary. But I find myself saying these things like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're *insert bad name*, and that's not nice. To have to talk to someone that keeps calling you names and attacking you constantly is not okay. I think everyone that I talk to knows that I'm just joking, but still. It's tiring. And it's not a nice thing to say slash write. So maybe I should try and be more nice. And stop calling people all these bad stuff.
But then again, that's the way I am. It's part of this character I've built throughout the years, this cute and kind person that is actually pretty aggressive and sassy. But maybe it's time to stop it.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the endless bad words and be nicer. More interesting.
I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm just really good at hiding it.
I don't even know what this is. I don't really care by now, I'm just bored out of my mind, and writing this stuff seems to help.
Also, my birthday was two days ago and now I'm kinda down. Don't know why. I don't even have motivation to watch GoT. Anyways.
Song of the post: I Found, by Amber Run. This music is magical.
Peace out dragons, and I'll see you later alligator.
Lorac xx
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Birthdays and time
Hey!
You know when you miss someone so fucking much your heart aches for the next time you'll see them. And you can't stop thinking about the next time you'll meet the other person's eyes and hug them. It doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. Oh no. I'm talking about friends here. About the beautiful thing that is having a group of human being for whom you care so much that you'd live for them. No, I didn't get it wrong, and yes, I just made a twenty one pilots reference. Because everyone can be selfless enough to die for another person. To put their lives over your own. To save them. But it's kinda hard to live for them, to be alive for them, because you know it'll make them happy, because they feel the exact same way about you, and they love you just as much as you do. It's also hard to be selfish enough to live because you couldn't bear to not be with that other person, that other group of people who you care about so deeply that you feel a tightness in your chest, and you feel happy when they accomplish something big, happier than if it was you the one who accomplished. You'd go out of your way just to make sure theirs is the best one.
You'd do anything for them.
With my birthday being in seven days, I can't help but feel more than excited for the fact that I'll be seeing some of the most important people to me. And it makes me so unbelievably happy that they'll go out of their way to celebrate my day with me, when they could be doing anything else. And I know that birthdays mean nothing, and that it's just another day. But not for me. Birthdays have always been an excuse to do stuff out of the ordinary. To have my family around, to have dinner in a place other than my house, to visit my family in Lisbon, or for them to come visit me, to have my friends around, to do different stuff. (to get presents)(yes, call me a self centered bitch all you want, that's not exactly news)(and who doesn't love getting presents)(and I also love giving them, so I guess it's fine)(but I'm still a self centered bitch)
And also, you're celebrating the fact that you have survived another year. Still alive, and still going. And I think that celebrating life is one of the greatest things ever. And if it makes you happy, it's even better.
I've always been one of the only people I knew that loves getting older and celebrating my birthdays. Everyone is just, kinda scared to grow up and wants to not have responsabilities forever, and I've always been scared that maybe I was supposed to not want to grow up. But then I read somewhere that you're only scared of growing up because you fear that you won't do all the things you want before you die. But I'm not scare of that, I firmly believe that I'll do everything on my bucket list before I die, and that I'll live a happy and full live, no matter how old I am. Age shouldn't be a restriction and you should just accept the fact that you're growing up and move on. As long as you forget that you're going to die some day, you are immortal. And, even tho the fact that the end is nearer as the days go by has been trying to enter my mind slowly, it's still not quite there yet. So for now, I'm still immortal, and I still have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck I want.
Also, because my birthday is during the summer holidays, it's just an excuse to see everyone I adore and for them to come and love me, because usually during summer I turn into something that never gets out of the house to see their friends. Although that has been changing since this summer. But not quite.
So yeah. I'm getting old and that's the least of my problems.
Song of the post: One for the road, By Dodie Clark. (no, it's not the arctic monkeys song, although that's a pretty good one as well) This song is just so empowering and it makes me really really happy.
See ya later alligator. Also, peace out dragons.
You know when you miss someone so fucking much your heart aches for the next time you'll see them. And you can't stop thinking about the next time you'll meet the other person's eyes and hug them. It doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. Oh no. I'm talking about friends here. About the beautiful thing that is having a group of human being for whom you care so much that you'd live for them. No, I didn't get it wrong, and yes, I just made a twenty one pilots reference. Because everyone can be selfless enough to die for another person. To put their lives over your own. To save them. But it's kinda hard to live for them, to be alive for them, because you know it'll make them happy, because they feel the exact same way about you, and they love you just as much as you do. It's also hard to be selfish enough to live because you couldn't bear to not be with that other person, that other group of people who you care about so deeply that you feel a tightness in your chest, and you feel happy when they accomplish something big, happier than if it was you the one who accomplished. You'd go out of your way just to make sure theirs is the best one.
You'd do anything for them.
With my birthday being in seven days, I can't help but feel more than excited for the fact that I'll be seeing some of the most important people to me. And it makes me so unbelievably happy that they'll go out of their way to celebrate my day with me, when they could be doing anything else. And I know that birthdays mean nothing, and that it's just another day. But not for me. Birthdays have always been an excuse to do stuff out of the ordinary. To have my family around, to have dinner in a place other than my house, to visit my family in Lisbon, or for them to come visit me, to have my friends around, to do different stuff. (to get presents)(yes, call me a self centered bitch all you want, that's not exactly news)(and who doesn't love getting presents)(and I also love giving them, so I guess it's fine)(but I'm still a self centered bitch)
And also, you're celebrating the fact that you have survived another year. Still alive, and still going. And I think that celebrating life is one of the greatest things ever. And if it makes you happy, it's even better.
I've always been one of the only people I knew that loves getting older and celebrating my birthdays. Everyone is just, kinda scared to grow up and wants to not have responsabilities forever, and I've always been scared that maybe I was supposed to not want to grow up. But then I read somewhere that you're only scared of growing up because you fear that you won't do all the things you want before you die. But I'm not scare of that, I firmly believe that I'll do everything on my bucket list before I die, and that I'll live a happy and full live, no matter how old I am. Age shouldn't be a restriction and you should just accept the fact that you're growing up and move on. As long as you forget that you're going to die some day, you are immortal. And, even tho the fact that the end is nearer as the days go by has been trying to enter my mind slowly, it's still not quite there yet. So for now, I'm still immortal, and I still have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck I want.
Also, because my birthday is during the summer holidays, it's just an excuse to see everyone I adore and for them to come and love me, because usually during summer I turn into something that never gets out of the house to see their friends. Although that has been changing since this summer. But not quite.
So yeah. I'm getting old and that's the least of my problems.
Song of the post: One for the road, By Dodie Clark. (no, it's not the arctic monkeys song, although that's a pretty good one as well) This song is just so empowering and it makes me really really happy.
See ya later alligator. Also, peace out dragons.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Sherlock and tv shows and happiness
I think that the thing I love the most about watching a new TV show that I really enjoy is being able to finally watch the behind the scenes without any fear of spoilers, and also being able to search the tumblr tags and watch the youtube interviews and cast funny moments and still being able to hang on to that certain show, even though it's finished, or three years away. I just finished watching the last available episode of Sherlock, the BBC series, and let me tell you. That is some good shit, right there. The acting is so spot on and the fact it's set during the modern days is what attracted me the most. I'll be honest now, though, I do have a tiny little crush on Bennedict Cumberbatch (who doesn't amirite?), because he is indeed really handsome, but, oh my angel, I think this is the show where I've caught myself smiling the most, and where I've laughed the loudest and where I got the most chills from.
Getting addicted to a new thing, a show in this case, means changing the way I see things. Throughout the whole time I was watching Sherlock, I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not a mind palace would actually be real and possible, and not just a writer's creation. I also thought about how much I wanted to be as smart as Sherlock, and how I wanted to ve able to analyze everything and make deductions so fast. Sherlock Holmes is now definitely one of my favorite characters of all time, because of how complex and rich he is.
Sherlock didn't fail us fangirls when it comes to character developing, although it does leave a lot for us to think about and to "deduce" ourselves about Sherlock and John, which is a detail that I love about anything that I watch. It makes me want more and more.
So, until 2017, our this year's special Victorian episode, I'll bury myself in behind the scenes and funny moments and Johnlock fan art (even though I'm probably the only one who absolutely DESPISES it) and character development texts on tumblr.
But it's not just the tv show is it? It's also all that it implies. All the staff behind the cameras, the directors, the script writers, the producers, even the actors. All the friendships and even relationships that are formed, and now I'm not talking about Sherlock specifically. All of this reminds me, us, viewers, that there's life behind all of the shows we watch and love. There's humans, lives, sentiment behind all of that. Memories created, happiness, sadness, and stress and all that comes with producing a show, or a movie, or anything. I can't talk from personal experience but I can indeed talk about these behind the scenes, and these youtubers videos that I watch, about how stressful everything actually is. But also about how worth it it is in the end. How they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. How happy they are that they get these opotunities for creating these 'masterpieaces'. And maybe it's all staged. Maybe it's all an acted, and nothing is real, and they're being paid to say those lovely things. But I like to believe it's not fake. That is really, and that the happiness is genuine. And that makes me a tad bit happier as well. Because I've felt that way, proud and happy and completely fulfilled (kinda sorta) and it reminds me of that and it makes ME even happier, that there are still people there content.
it also makes me really want to produce my own movie. maybe someday.
i also love that fact that BBC doesn't forget the fangirls and includes some johnlock in the show. really proud of how far we've come. even though i hate johnlock.
Music of the day: Proof, by Paramore. It's a love song, but a happy one, and it always makes me feel all giddy and romantic and happy for at least 3 minutes and 15 seconds. It makes me feel as if I'm the one singing the song. Happy. Happy is good.
See ya later, alligator.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Trapped
I'm trapped.
Okay. Let me rephrase that.
I feel trapped.
I feel trapped inside the walls of my bedroom. My small, cozy, overfilled bedroom, filled with memories and tears and laughter. And a whole lot of sadness.
I barely get out of the house, so when I do, it's usually pretty epic. So when I went to this summer university thing for a week, things were beyond epic. And that's saying something.
We all know that when I talk about something or someone on the blog, it means that 'that' was really a really big thing. And this summer university was probably one of the biggest and greatest choices I've done until now. And one of the best.
This past week, from the 19th to the 24th was the fastest and most tiring and emotional week I've had. It was the most alive I felt. I didn't feel happy all the time. Hell no! I felt so frustrated and sad and down for some unknown reason. And you know what? That's totally okay. It added to the experience.
I met so many great and wonderfull people, friends that I have no idea if they'll be for life, but that I would adore if they would be in my life for a little longer. I learned so much. I made my own android game! Sure it was full of bugs and easily cheatable, but I MADE THAT! From scratch, on my own. Obviously with a help of the teachers, and three friends. But still. It's a playable thing on an android phone. Not on mine though. It doesn't work on mine.
But I didn't just learn the technical stuff about computers and stuff. I also learned a lot about my city and myself and life? I don't know. We had a judo lesson on wednesday and there's one thing the instructor said that's stuck in my mind since then. "In judo, you need to learn how to fall. How to fall the right way, so that you can get up right away, to keep fighting." Okay, I already kind of knew that, I had judo lessons for four years when I was yonger, so no big deal. But then he said something else that went something along these lines "It's just like in life, you can't spend too much time being broken, you need to keep living the right way, you need to get up right away.".
These were probably not the right words, but the idea is there and the idea is now sort of my moto.
That's why I think I'm handling this so 'well'. And I say well with quotation marks because I'm on the verge of tears all the time because I miss that so much. I miss not being trapped in my house. I miss being able to go outside and explore and be with new and amazing people.
I've discovered that I actaully love meeting new people, and going out, and making friends, and talking.
I've discovered that I can be whoever the fuck I want, that I have the potential. I can become an actress, a CEO, a member of a band, the greastest student ever, or even be rich. I just have to work on it. Not be lazy. I promised myself that I'm gonna start and work more on learning more songs on the guitar. That I'm gonna try and work more on the development part. I'm goint to learn more about coding languages and phones and computers and all that fun stuff. I'm going to get my ass of Twitter and Instagram and use my internet for more intelegent stuff.
Basically doing the stuff my dad has been telling me for the past few years wow.
Obviously I'm going to keep watching Game Of Thrones and Teen Wolf and other shows and movies that I want to watch. And obviously I'm going to keep going on twitter and reading dumb shit and posting stupid selfies on instagram. But I'm not going to be doing just that. I've got the little push I needed to start working on the things I've wanted to start working on for so long, now I just need to keep going.
But most of all, I think that the thing that is going to stick with me the most, beside all of the learning and exercise and not so many sleep hours, is going to be the people.
I'm so happy for the fact that I chose computer engeneering instead of any other course, because I got to meet the amazing (don't tell them i said this tho shhh) nerdy human beings I met. Those are my favorite kind. We spent a lot of time having nerd talks (mostly with me just listening because I don't get any of that stuff yet) and musical moments, followed by a lot of awkward silences. But that was okay because seconds later we were already goofing around and overall having a really great time. For someone who didn't think would fit in, I think I did a really good job. Sure, I said some stupid shit and I did argue a lot with my good friend that went with me, but I argue with Hanna all the time, so it's fine. I still like him to death. And yes, I was annoying as hell. But that's me, deal with it.
So I think that for now I'll try and do more stuff and be more active and live more.
I know I'll have the memories of a really good week and I found some nice people that I think I can call my friends. I learned to love my city and where I came from. I learned to love me a little bit more. And I learned to love getting out of my small bedroom.
So yeah. I guess I'll se ya later alligator.
Song of the post: Help!, by The Beatles. (there's a story behind this song. basically i say 'HALP' a lot of times during the day, and during this week was no exception. so there's this guy, let's call him axel, and he sang a song related to whatever word we said. so he sang 'help, i need somebody, help...' everytime i screamed for halp. so, he sang that on the last day, when we were getting out of the closing ceremony and going into our parents cars, when i said halp, and the song has been on my head ever since, so i guess it's kind of like, the whole theme of the week. also, the song has some really nice lyrics slash message i guess)
Okay. Let me rephrase that.
I feel trapped.
I feel trapped inside the walls of my bedroom. My small, cozy, overfilled bedroom, filled with memories and tears and laughter. And a whole lot of sadness.
I barely get out of the house, so when I do, it's usually pretty epic. So when I went to this summer university thing for a week, things were beyond epic. And that's saying something.
We all know that when I talk about something or someone on the blog, it means that 'that' was really a really big thing. And this summer university was probably one of the biggest and greatest choices I've done until now. And one of the best.
This past week, from the 19th to the 24th was the fastest and most tiring and emotional week I've had. It was the most alive I felt. I didn't feel happy all the time. Hell no! I felt so frustrated and sad and down for some unknown reason. And you know what? That's totally okay. It added to the experience.
I met so many great and wonderfull people, friends that I have no idea if they'll be for life, but that I would adore if they would be in my life for a little longer. I learned so much. I made my own android game! Sure it was full of bugs and easily cheatable, but I MADE THAT! From scratch, on my own. Obviously with a help of the teachers, and three friends. But still. It's a playable thing on an android phone. Not on mine though. It doesn't work on mine.
But I didn't just learn the technical stuff about computers and stuff. I also learned a lot about my city and myself and life? I don't know. We had a judo lesson on wednesday and there's one thing the instructor said that's stuck in my mind since then. "In judo, you need to learn how to fall. How to fall the right way, so that you can get up right away, to keep fighting." Okay, I already kind of knew that, I had judo lessons for four years when I was yonger, so no big deal. But then he said something else that went something along these lines "It's just like in life, you can't spend too much time being broken, you need to keep living the right way, you need to get up right away.".
These were probably not the right words, but the idea is there and the idea is now sort of my moto.
That's why I think I'm handling this so 'well'. And I say well with quotation marks because I'm on the verge of tears all the time because I miss that so much. I miss not being trapped in my house. I miss being able to go outside and explore and be with new and amazing people.
I've discovered that I actaully love meeting new people, and going out, and making friends, and talking.
I've discovered that I can be whoever the fuck I want, that I have the potential. I can become an actress, a CEO, a member of a band, the greastest student ever, or even be rich. I just have to work on it. Not be lazy. I promised myself that I'm gonna start and work more on learning more songs on the guitar. That I'm gonna try and work more on the development part. I'm goint to learn more about coding languages and phones and computers and all that fun stuff. I'm going to get my ass of Twitter and Instagram and use my internet for more intelegent stuff.
Basically doing the stuff my dad has been telling me for the past few years wow.
Obviously I'm going to keep watching Game Of Thrones and Teen Wolf and other shows and movies that I want to watch. And obviously I'm going to keep going on twitter and reading dumb shit and posting stupid selfies on instagram. But I'm not going to be doing just that. I've got the little push I needed to start working on the things I've wanted to start working on for so long, now I just need to keep going.
But most of all, I think that the thing that is going to stick with me the most, beside all of the learning and exercise and not so many sleep hours, is going to be the people.
I'm so happy for the fact that I chose computer engeneering instead of any other course, because I got to meet the amazing (don't tell them i said this tho shhh) nerdy human beings I met. Those are my favorite kind. We spent a lot of time having nerd talks (mostly with me just listening because I don't get any of that stuff yet) and musical moments, followed by a lot of awkward silences. But that was okay because seconds later we were already goofing around and overall having a really great time. For someone who didn't think would fit in, I think I did a really good job. Sure, I said some stupid shit and I did argue a lot with my good friend that went with me, but I argue with Hanna all the time, so it's fine. I still like him to death. And yes, I was annoying as hell. But that's me, deal with it.
So I think that for now I'll try and do more stuff and be more active and live more.
I know I'll have the memories of a really good week and I found some nice people that I think I can call my friends. I learned to love my city and where I came from. I learned to love me a little bit more. And I learned to love getting out of my small bedroom.
So yeah. I guess I'll se ya later alligator.
Song of the post: Help!, by The Beatles. (there's a story behind this song. basically i say 'HALP' a lot of times during the day, and during this week was no exception. so there's this guy, let's call him axel, and he sang a song related to whatever word we said. so he sang 'help, i need somebody, help...' everytime i screamed for halp. so, he sang that on the last day, when we were getting out of the closing ceremony and going into our parents cars, when i said halp, and the song has been on my head ever since, so i guess it's kind of like, the whole theme of the week. also, the song has some really nice lyrics slash message i guess)
Sunday, June 21, 2015
feeling too much
i thought i would video-record this, but i realized that i'm too afraid that my parents burst into my bedroom and then it would just get weird.
so i'm gonna write instead.
so, i just got back from my weekend with jess in the city. i don't think i can explain what i'm feeling right now. i guees it's too much. let's start from the beggining.
i got there friday afternoon and i spent it with another girl that came and we sat in the garden jess has at the back of her house and we enjoyed the sun and the peace of school break. it's so fucking hot outside, but it's so peaceful, so we just layed in the grass, talking about meaningless stuff, and that's when i realized that maybe that weekend was going to be a weird one. we also made pancakes and sang along to all of the camp rock songs, and i've never felt more alive. jumping and yelling at a lifeless tv screen and preteng that we were seven all over again and i was just loosing my mind and going with the flow. i almost lost my voice, as well as my legs, but it was so fucking worth. if you have the chance, for just one day, just dance around and scream the lyrics of your favorite album. honestly, it's the best thing you can do to help yourself.
then the friend was gone. and john texts us saying that there's something happening in a town that's near where jess lives. and by something i mean a party. it isn't exactly a party. more like those traditional little festivals all small towns have, where the elders gather around and dance to the sound of really awful music, but no one seems to care because they're just having a good time. so we went. bare in my mind this was my first 'night out', even though i wouldn't consider it a 'night out' because we just stayed there, watching everyone dancing. so me and jess get ready and we went to the thing where john and the rest of his friends were. man, that was one great night. john's friends are cool. me and jess were the only girls in the group, but that didn't matter. we had just known the guys and that didn't make anything awkward for anyone. we played pool and jess danced and me and john and another guy watched all of these people dance and we also ate food and drank coke and i ate maltesers. we got home at one and a half in the morning from one of my favorite nights ever.
I don't think you understand. I don't go out. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I'm what you would consider a outgoing girl, but I rather stay at home than go out. I'm always the one who doesn't go when my class goes out and drinks and has fun.
And yes, this wasn't really 'going out into the night and getting wasted and losing my virginity', but it was still amazing and I met so many new people and I think I did well. Saturday we woke up really late. I ended up going to Jess' scouts thingy and tbfh it was kinda boring, mainly because I just sat there and watched for three hours, but in a way it felt good to just be there and watch from afar and just be. Not worrying about a thing and just be there. We got home and did nothing and then GUESS WHAT? We went again to the little small town party. More people came (not that many people though) and we already knew each other so it wasn't that bad. I got showered with Game Of Thrones season finale's spoilers and we played table football and pool and we roamed around and I had as much fun as the day before.
we got home at two am and we fell asleep at three and a half in the morning. then shit got weird. during that falling asleep time, me and jess were on twitter just waiting for sleep to come, when we saw a tweet from our good friend john about something related to love. so, as the curious little bitches we are, we started messing with him and asking for him to tell us who the special girl was. but i think that things got a bit out of hand. and i also think he's mad at us. and i started feeling like shit like i always do when it comes to getting weird with friends and not knowing.
the thing is, jess speaks to james more than i do, and i can't help but feel kind of jealous for the fact that she can make conversations so easily and i'm just the weird potato sitting in the corner. and also james and ian are not here and they're there but there seems like too far away but at the same time they have to have friends and i just feel like i should stop caring at all but i love them like my brothers and loosing a brother is something i never thought i would have to go through because i'm an only child. but the thing is, when we get together is just like the old times and it feels as if nothing has changed and we're the same, but i love those moments so fucking much i want to have them all the times.
so when it comes to these new friendships i'm creating with the people in my class, i'm trying to make them as honest and as great as possible, and i'm trying to cherish them and make them last, BUT THAT DOESN'T GO WELL WHEN THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T COOPERATE and it makes me mad because it's my fault and what can i do to try and change and help the friendship stay alive but also i shouldn't be changing for these stuff to work because the other person should accept me as i am bUT WHAT IF WHAT I AM IS NOT ENOUGH?
the thing is, it has to be. There's no one out there like you, and if you and someone are friends, you being you will always be enough. You are friends because of who you are. Friendships are living on top of the people's personalities, so it has to be enough. Because you are you, and there's nothing more you can do to fill the already full cup of yourself. So what I'm trying to do is stop worrying about this and try and cherish what I have. I have great friends and that is enough.
Yes, sometimes I'll feel bad and jealous, but I'll try and think about these people that are in my life now and making it what it is.
I watched Inside Out today and if there's one lesson that I learned is that there needs to be sadness for the happiness to come. It's so easy to feel sad about something, but happiness exists because those sad moments exist as well. It's like we need to go down for us to go up, or something like that. The opposite. Like an arrow that is pulled back before it goes forward. If it wasn't for these sad little things, happiness wouldn't be there and we wouldn't feel it as strong as we do.
I don't think I'm always as happy as I was last year, but there are some moments when I just feel this rush of happiness and it's so strong it almost knocks me out and at the same time I want it to go on and on and on. And right now, I need to continue living and being and let it flow and ENJOY IT!
I watched Dodie's video Just a few nostalgic tears and I just realized what I've been realizing ever since I came into this new school. I am growing up, and with each day that goes by I am closer to being an adult and leaving school and it scares the shit out of me if I'm being honest, but at the same time, as Carrie once said, it's exciting because new experiences.
Growing up it's something that we just have to do, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun and be awesome and stuff.
So yeah. That was today's post. This was more a post for myself than for the shadows out there, but thanks for reading as always.
Sorry for the bad grammar.
Soundtrack: Somewhere only we know, by Keane. Old but gold.
I'm off to watch Game Of Thrones.
See ya later aligator
so, i just got back from my weekend with jess in the city. i don't think i can explain what i'm feeling right now. i guees it's too much. let's start from the beggining.
i got there friday afternoon and i spent it with another girl that came and we sat in the garden jess has at the back of her house and we enjoyed the sun and the peace of school break. it's so fucking hot outside, but it's so peaceful, so we just layed in the grass, talking about meaningless stuff, and that's when i realized that maybe that weekend was going to be a weird one. we also made pancakes and sang along to all of the camp rock songs, and i've never felt more alive. jumping and yelling at a lifeless tv screen and preteng that we were seven all over again and i was just loosing my mind and going with the flow. i almost lost my voice, as well as my legs, but it was so fucking worth. if you have the chance, for just one day, just dance around and scream the lyrics of your favorite album. honestly, it's the best thing you can do to help yourself.
then the friend was gone. and john texts us saying that there's something happening in a town that's near where jess lives. and by something i mean a party. it isn't exactly a party. more like those traditional little festivals all small towns have, where the elders gather around and dance to the sound of really awful music, but no one seems to care because they're just having a good time. so we went. bare in my mind this was my first 'night out', even though i wouldn't consider it a 'night out' because we just stayed there, watching everyone dancing. so me and jess get ready and we went to the thing where john and the rest of his friends were. man, that was one great night. john's friends are cool. me and jess were the only girls in the group, but that didn't matter. we had just known the guys and that didn't make anything awkward for anyone. we played pool and jess danced and me and john and another guy watched all of these people dance and we also ate food and drank coke and i ate maltesers. we got home at one and a half in the morning from one of my favorite nights ever.
I don't think you understand. I don't go out. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I'm what you would consider a outgoing girl, but I rather stay at home than go out. I'm always the one who doesn't go when my class goes out and drinks and has fun.
And yes, this wasn't really 'going out into the night and getting wasted and losing my virginity', but it was still amazing and I met so many new people and I think I did well. Saturday we woke up really late. I ended up going to Jess' scouts thingy and tbfh it was kinda boring, mainly because I just sat there and watched for three hours, but in a way it felt good to just be there and watch from afar and just be. Not worrying about a thing and just be there. We got home and did nothing and then GUESS WHAT? We went again to the little small town party. More people came (not that many people though) and we already knew each other so it wasn't that bad. I got showered with Game Of Thrones season finale's spoilers and we played table football and pool and we roamed around and I had as much fun as the day before.
we got home at two am and we fell asleep at three and a half in the morning. then shit got weird. during that falling asleep time, me and jess were on twitter just waiting for sleep to come, when we saw a tweet from our good friend john about something related to love. so, as the curious little bitches we are, we started messing with him and asking for him to tell us who the special girl was. but i think that things got a bit out of hand. and i also think he's mad at us. and i started feeling like shit like i always do when it comes to getting weird with friends and not knowing.
the thing is, jess speaks to james more than i do, and i can't help but feel kind of jealous for the fact that she can make conversations so easily and i'm just the weird potato sitting in the corner. and also james and ian are not here and they're there but there seems like too far away but at the same time they have to have friends and i just feel like i should stop caring at all but i love them like my brothers and loosing a brother is something i never thought i would have to go through because i'm an only child. but the thing is, when we get together is just like the old times and it feels as if nothing has changed and we're the same, but i love those moments so fucking much i want to have them all the times.
so when it comes to these new friendships i'm creating with the people in my class, i'm trying to make them as honest and as great as possible, and i'm trying to cherish them and make them last, BUT THAT DOESN'T GO WELL WHEN THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T COOPERATE and it makes me mad because it's my fault and what can i do to try and change and help the friendship stay alive but also i shouldn't be changing for these stuff to work because the other person should accept me as i am bUT WHAT IF WHAT I AM IS NOT ENOUGH?
the thing is, it has to be. There's no one out there like you, and if you and someone are friends, you being you will always be enough. You are friends because of who you are. Friendships are living on top of the people's personalities, so it has to be enough. Because you are you, and there's nothing more you can do to fill the already full cup of yourself. So what I'm trying to do is stop worrying about this and try and cherish what I have. I have great friends and that is enough.
Yes, sometimes I'll feel bad and jealous, but I'll try and think about these people that are in my life now and making it what it is.
I watched Inside Out today and if there's one lesson that I learned is that there needs to be sadness for the happiness to come. It's so easy to feel sad about something, but happiness exists because those sad moments exist as well. It's like we need to go down for us to go up, or something like that. The opposite. Like an arrow that is pulled back before it goes forward. If it wasn't for these sad little things, happiness wouldn't be there and we wouldn't feel it as strong as we do.
I don't think I'm always as happy as I was last year, but there are some moments when I just feel this rush of happiness and it's so strong it almost knocks me out and at the same time I want it to go on and on and on. And right now, I need to continue living and being and let it flow and ENJOY IT!
I watched Dodie's video Just a few nostalgic tears and I just realized what I've been realizing ever since I came into this new school. I am growing up, and with each day that goes by I am closer to being an adult and leaving school and it scares the shit out of me if I'm being honest, but at the same time, as Carrie once said, it's exciting because new experiences.
Growing up it's something that we just have to do, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun and be awesome and stuff.
So yeah. That was today's post. This was more a post for myself than for the shadows out there, but thanks for reading as always.
Sorry for the bad grammar.
Soundtrack: Somewhere only we know, by Keane. Old but gold.
I'm off to watch Game Of Thrones.
See ya later aligator
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Thoughts on feeling confused
Hey!
GUESS WHAT MY BLOG IS ALMOST ONE YEAR OLD AND IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST YEY?
I can explain.
So there's this thing called school and it has been taking up all of my life for the past months. And there's this thing called Teen Wolf, that has got me hooked up like good cocaine and it pretty much destroyed my whole existence. And there's this band called twenty one pilots, and right now they're the only band I've listened to for the past three weeks. And there's this thing called MY FUCKING BRAIN THAT WON'T STOP WORKING AND WORRING IF I'M LOOSING JAMES AND IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I'M JUST TOO ANNOYING AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND IT ALSO HAS GOT ME CRUSHING ON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BOY THAT IS REMOTELY NICE TO ME, AND EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT NICE, IT'S FINE, I DON'T CARE, I'LL JUST CRUSH ON THEM AND WHISH THEY WERE KISSING MY LIPS.
Like, right now, my hormones are jumping up and down. They have been doing this for the past five hours. All of this because I spent a fucking hour near some friends and a really nice looking guy and I really really wanted to jump on him. What is happening to me? I think this is why James has been ignoring me and I can't make friends and aufdhjed.
But on the other hand, I finally found something that actually caught my attention and made me really addicted like it used to. Teen Wolf is so great and amazing but can we just talk about (season 3 spoilers) the fact that Allison fucking dies and Isaac just leaves?! They were my favourite characters and now they're both gone. Scott was supposed to end up with Allison, they were meant to be. But I guess that at the same time, this show is pretty realistic because these things just happen in really life. Not the part where your ex-girlfriend slash love of your life gets killed by an oni. But you get me.
You remember when I used to get so excited because there was a green little dot right next to James name on facebook, because it meant he was online and therefore, going to talk to me? Now it only makes my heart ache and I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that there's no more Steam message sound or Facebook messages. Now he has his class and his friends and I guess I'm just kinda jealous. He was always there and now he's not and he's talking to other people and it seems like he just forgot about me and Maia, my best friend. It feels like we were left out. I was left out. We were the fantastic trio, me, James and Maia. Now they have their own classes, their own friends. And what am I doing? Watching fucking Teen Wolf until two am and crushing on everyone and fangirling way too loud on the school halls and scaring every single fucking person way with my shy slash way too loud personality and with my crazy mood swings.
I swear, last year, I was so much happier and so much lightweighted. I didn't realized I was going to leave behind some of my greatest friendships I've ever made and that I was going to just jump into a whole new class. No one really knows me, and I haven't really 'clicked' with anyone like I clicked with James, Maia, Ian, and the rest of my class. I'm still holding on to them, even though this year is two days away from ending. And I don't know. I don't know how I feel anymore, and don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel. How the hell am I supposed to act so people will enjoy being around me? So that there's someone who will enjoy having my presence and I will enjoy it back?
I guess the problem here is the fact that I don't enjoy other's prensence, I can't like people and I have no fucking clue on how to properly speak to them without looking like a fucking freak. I want to make great friendships, and learn everything and have good grades and fall in love and all of that, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can't support humans? I don't understand anything at all, and right now, it's too late too even try.
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up I'll understand it a little bit better.
Song of the day: Astronaut, by Simple Plan And Polarize, by twenty one pilots. (srlsy, the whole 'blurryface' album is just great)
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
GUESS WHAT MY BLOG IS ALMOST ONE YEAR OLD AND IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST YEY?
I can explain.
So there's this thing called school and it has been taking up all of my life for the past months. And there's this thing called Teen Wolf, that has got me hooked up like good cocaine and it pretty much destroyed my whole existence. And there's this band called twenty one pilots, and right now they're the only band I've listened to for the past three weeks. And there's this thing called MY FUCKING BRAIN THAT WON'T STOP WORKING AND WORRING IF I'M LOOSING JAMES AND IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I'M JUST TOO ANNOYING AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND IT ALSO HAS GOT ME CRUSHING ON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BOY THAT IS REMOTELY NICE TO ME, AND EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT NICE, IT'S FINE, I DON'T CARE, I'LL JUST CRUSH ON THEM AND WHISH THEY WERE KISSING MY LIPS.
Like, right now, my hormones are jumping up and down. They have been doing this for the past five hours. All of this because I spent a fucking hour near some friends and a really nice looking guy and I really really wanted to jump on him. What is happening to me? I think this is why James has been ignoring me and I can't make friends and aufdhjed.
But on the other hand, I finally found something that actually caught my attention and made me really addicted like it used to. Teen Wolf is so great and amazing but can we just talk about (season 3 spoilers) the fact that Allison fucking dies and Isaac just leaves?! They were my favourite characters and now they're both gone. Scott was supposed to end up with Allison, they were meant to be. But I guess that at the same time, this show is pretty realistic because these things just happen in really life. Not the part where your ex-girlfriend slash love of your life gets killed by an oni. But you get me.
You remember when I used to get so excited because there was a green little dot right next to James name on facebook, because it meant he was online and therefore, going to talk to me? Now it only makes my heart ache and I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that there's no more Steam message sound or Facebook messages. Now he has his class and his friends and I guess I'm just kinda jealous. He was always there and now he's not and he's talking to other people and it seems like he just forgot about me and Maia, my best friend. It feels like we were left out. I was left out. We were the fantastic trio, me, James and Maia. Now they have their own classes, their own friends. And what am I doing? Watching fucking Teen Wolf until two am and crushing on everyone and fangirling way too loud on the school halls and scaring every single fucking person way with my shy slash way too loud personality and with my crazy mood swings.
I swear, last year, I was so much happier and so much lightweighted. I didn't realized I was going to leave behind some of my greatest friendships I've ever made and that I was going to just jump into a whole new class. No one really knows me, and I haven't really 'clicked' with anyone like I clicked with James, Maia, Ian, and the rest of my class. I'm still holding on to them, even though this year is two days away from ending. And I don't know. I don't know how I feel anymore, and don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel. How the hell am I supposed to act so people will enjoy being around me? So that there's someone who will enjoy having my presence and I will enjoy it back?
I guess the problem here is the fact that I don't enjoy other's prensence, I can't like people and I have no fucking clue on how to properly speak to them without looking like a fucking freak. I want to make great friendships, and learn everything and have good grades and fall in love and all of that, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can't support humans? I don't understand anything at all, and right now, it's too late too even try.
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up I'll understand it a little bit better.
Song of the day: Astronaut, by Simple Plan And Polarize, by twenty one pilots. (srlsy, the whole 'blurryface' album is just great)
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Writing.
Dear Loyal Shadows
*gasps* LORAC WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT HOW YOU START YOUR BLOG POSTS!
yeah, you're right shadows.
Hey!
Writing has always been an escape for me. I always wrote to escape from real life, from my problems, from my parents, from school. Creating characters and lives completely different from mine was a way of living a second hidden life. Writing about myself also helped. The amount of diaries scattered around the house with my messy handwritting on them is too big to keep track. But then I grew up. I got lazy. My thoughts became more and more messy and I knew that writing was the way to keep myself sane. So I started writing on my computer. Stories. Things that happened at school. Anything. I created blogs. You're not the first one, I'm sorry. What I can say is that, yes, you are the one I stuck with for the longest time. Writing online always gave me the feeling that I had to keep writing, I had some sort of deal with whoever is out there, that I had to keep writng, that once it's on the internet, you have to keep going.
That's not exactly how it works, is it?
Last week I finished reading Girl Online, by Zoella, and at some point the main character says "The thought of writing stuff to myself in a diary seems a bit pointless really. I want to feel like someone, somewhere, will be able to read what I've got to say. That's why I've decided to give this blog a go-so that I have somewhere I can say exactly what I want, when I want and how I want-to someone. And not have to worry that what I say won't sound cool or will make me look stupid or lose friends. That's why this blog is anonymous. So that I can totally be me." It's in the beggining, and if you go on Amazon you can find this written there. My point is. This is the main reason I wanted to write a blog. To be able to say whatever the fuck I want without someone judging me. Because 1. No one reads this and 2. It's anonymous. I'm hidden under the name Lorac. If someone doesn't like what I say, it's not my problem. This is my blog. My opinions. My little space on the internet. It started of as a place to share my love for anime but it slowly grew as a diary, an online diary. To share whatever the fuck was going on with me with the internet, with hopes that someone, somewhere, would find it and be like, 'Hey, I'm not alone in this. This girl Lorac is going though the same as me'. I wrote this blog for myself, but I was to lazy to write it by hand and the thought of having this abandoned in some dark corner of my computer made me sad and it wouldn't motivate me to keep writing. So I write to someone, the internet, the shadows, and I tell them, you, my day, my life, how I feel. I express myself, my opinions, my fear, hoping that someone will help me, and tell me it's fine, you're not weird. But also hoping that no one ever sees this, because this is my little hidden corner and it's fine without any human eyes beside mine reading it. This blog became sort of my friend in a way, because I tell him everything, without holding back. That was the purpose of this blog, and it still is.
I love writing here. I love telling someone about what is going on, without having to impress someone. Just being me. And I'm fine with it.
Writing has been my passion since I know how to write. But before, I wrote stories for others to read and for them to talk about how good I was, and for my self esteem to be raised. But now I write for myself, to keep me sane, to keep all these thoughts in a safe place, to make my head a little bit lighter, clearer, in hopes that if I write it down that maybe things wouldn't be so hard to face.
And maybe things are still the same. Maybe everything is as hard as ever. But right now, I'm feeling a little bit better than I did 5 months ago, and it's mainly because of this. So thank you, shadows, for always being there for me.
Music of the day: Here comes the sun, cover by Tom Rosenthal, from the Rocks that Bleed 'soundtrack'
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
*gasps* LORAC WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT HOW YOU START YOUR BLOG POSTS!
yeah, you're right shadows.
Hey!
Writing has always been an escape for me. I always wrote to escape from real life, from my problems, from my parents, from school. Creating characters and lives completely different from mine was a way of living a second hidden life. Writing about myself also helped. The amount of diaries scattered around the house with my messy handwritting on them is too big to keep track. But then I grew up. I got lazy. My thoughts became more and more messy and I knew that writing was the way to keep myself sane. So I started writing on my computer. Stories. Things that happened at school. Anything. I created blogs. You're not the first one, I'm sorry. What I can say is that, yes, you are the one I stuck with for the longest time. Writing online always gave me the feeling that I had to keep writing, I had some sort of deal with whoever is out there, that I had to keep writng, that once it's on the internet, you have to keep going.
That's not exactly how it works, is it?
Last week I finished reading Girl Online, by Zoella, and at some point the main character says "The thought of writing stuff to myself in a diary seems a bit pointless really. I want to feel like someone, somewhere, will be able to read what I've got to say. That's why I've decided to give this blog a go-so that I have somewhere I can say exactly what I want, when I want and how I want-to someone. And not have to worry that what I say won't sound cool or will make me look stupid or lose friends. That's why this blog is anonymous. So that I can totally be me." It's in the beggining, and if you go on Amazon you can find this written there. My point is. This is the main reason I wanted to write a blog. To be able to say whatever the fuck I want without someone judging me. Because 1. No one reads this and 2. It's anonymous. I'm hidden under the name Lorac. If someone doesn't like what I say, it's not my problem. This is my blog. My opinions. My little space on the internet. It started of as a place to share my love for anime but it slowly grew as a diary, an online diary. To share whatever the fuck was going on with me with the internet, with hopes that someone, somewhere, would find it and be like, 'Hey, I'm not alone in this. This girl Lorac is going though the same as me'. I wrote this blog for myself, but I was to lazy to write it by hand and the thought of having this abandoned in some dark corner of my computer made me sad and it wouldn't motivate me to keep writing. So I write to someone, the internet, the shadows, and I tell them, you, my day, my life, how I feel. I express myself, my opinions, my fear, hoping that someone will help me, and tell me it's fine, you're not weird. But also hoping that no one ever sees this, because this is my little hidden corner and it's fine without any human eyes beside mine reading it. This blog became sort of my friend in a way, because I tell him everything, without holding back. That was the purpose of this blog, and it still is.
I love writing here. I love telling someone about what is going on, without having to impress someone. Just being me. And I'm fine with it.
Writing has been my passion since I know how to write. But before, I wrote stories for others to read and for them to talk about how good I was, and for my self esteem to be raised. But now I write for myself, to keep me sane, to keep all these thoughts in a safe place, to make my head a little bit lighter, clearer, in hopes that if I write it down that maybe things wouldn't be so hard to face.
And maybe things are still the same. Maybe everything is as hard as ever. But right now, I'm feeling a little bit better than I did 5 months ago, and it's mainly because of this. So thank you, shadows, for always being there for me.
Music of the day: Here comes the sun, cover by Tom Rosenthal, from the Rocks that Bleed 'soundtrack'
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Everything is fine, but it's not great.
Hey!
Exactly three months have passed since I last posted on here.
Am I supposed to give an excuse? Because I don't have one.
Okay... I've been wanting to write something, to just put out there what I was feeling and thinking.
A lot of stuff has been happening.
For example, those four badminton tournments I went to. The day before yesterday was the last one and man, that was a great day. I spent the day with three human beings from my class and some other humans from my school who I got to know better. My legs and arms still hurt from playing (and not winning) and my belly still hurts from all the laughter I did. It was really great, specially because of these two males I met who are nice. I don't know I'VE ONLY MET THEM FOR ONE DAY AND THERE'S THIS ONE GUY WHO KEEPS COMING INTO MY MIND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON I'M REALLY 'INFACTUATED' BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW BECAUSE I BARELY KNOW HIM BUT HE SEEMED REALLY NICE AND I WANT TO GET TO KNOW HIM BUT SPRING BREAK IS THREE WEEKS AND GRAHFNBDJKBFD AND I'M REALLY CONFUSED BECAUSE I WANT TO STOP THINKING! I want to stop thinking about badminton, about how much I suck and how much I want to improve. I want to stop thinking about how I want to kiss Mike's face non-stop but at the same time I want to crawl away from him because of everything that's going on. I want to stop thinking about Jess, and how I want to help her and make her okay but then again I need to think about myself, and my sanity, and how I can't help her, because she needs to help herself, but I'm so scared she'll do something dumb and UGH and I want to stop thinking about how much I want to be a youtuber, or a film maker, or a coding engineer or whatever and I want to stop thinking about the fact that everything is great but the future is coming and in two years I'll be done with school and I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY but I want to explore the world and be wiser and win the nobel prize for chemistry for finding the cure for a rare desease and I want to be sucessful but I can't be fucking sucessful when all I think about is if James and Ian still consider me as their friends, or if I got too weird for them or if I'm becoming one of those annoying girls I don't want to be. I talk to much, I make too much a fool of myself. I don't want to loose James or Ian or Mike or Cole or Maia or Jess or anyone in my class or any friend. I want to help people around the world be more confident and be happier because I think that'll help me be happier but I am happy, I do have a great life and everything is great but I'm such a looser why would anyone want to befriend me and I keep thinking that maybe that guy I met Thursday, Joe, that maybe he thinks I'm cool and maybe he'll like me but then I'm like, nope, not happening, you're too weird for anybody, you'll end up with three hundred cats and living under a bridge. But then I'm really confident I think I'm amazing and awesome because I quote lyrics and books and I watch a lot of youtube and I spend a lot of my time on the internet and for me that is normal and I think that I am fine, I am amazing and everyone else is a peasant, I'm superior. That's the image I like to think I put on everyday, and I like to think that that is true because eventually I'll believe in it.
But things would work better if I just stopped thinking.
But I can't.
So I'll just keep on writing and feeling and let it be.
And trying to feel as amazing and awesome as possible.
I'm a strong and idependent woman who needs no one to move forward.
The only one I'll ever need is me.
Song of the day: The Sharpest Lives, by My Chemical Romance
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
(july 2015 update: joe has a girlfriend. typical)
Exactly three months have passed since I last posted on here.
Am I supposed to give an excuse? Because I don't have one.
Okay... I've been wanting to write something, to just put out there what I was feeling and thinking.
A lot of stuff has been happening.
For example, those four badminton tournments I went to. The day before yesterday was the last one and man, that was a great day. I spent the day with three human beings from my class and some other humans from my school who I got to know better. My legs and arms still hurt from playing (and not winning) and my belly still hurts from all the laughter I did. It was really great, specially because of these two males I met who are nice. I don't know I'VE ONLY MET THEM FOR ONE DAY AND THERE'S THIS ONE GUY WHO KEEPS COMING INTO MY MIND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON I'M REALLY 'INFACTUATED' BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW BECAUSE I BARELY KNOW HIM BUT HE SEEMED REALLY NICE AND I WANT TO GET TO KNOW HIM BUT SPRING BREAK IS THREE WEEKS AND GRAHFNBDJKBFD AND I'M REALLY CONFUSED BECAUSE I WANT TO STOP THINKING! I want to stop thinking about badminton, about how much I suck and how much I want to improve. I want to stop thinking about how I want to kiss Mike's face non-stop but at the same time I want to crawl away from him because of everything that's going on. I want to stop thinking about Jess, and how I want to help her and make her okay but then again I need to think about myself, and my sanity, and how I can't help her, because she needs to help herself, but I'm so scared she'll do something dumb and UGH and I want to stop thinking about how much I want to be a youtuber, or a film maker, or a coding engineer or whatever and I want to stop thinking about the fact that everything is great but the future is coming and in two years I'll be done with school and I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY but I want to explore the world and be wiser and win the nobel prize for chemistry for finding the cure for a rare desease and I want to be sucessful but I can't be fucking sucessful when all I think about is if James and Ian still consider me as their friends, or if I got too weird for them or if I'm becoming one of those annoying girls I don't want to be. I talk to much, I make too much a fool of myself. I don't want to loose James or Ian or Mike or Cole or Maia or Jess or anyone in my class or any friend. I want to help people around the world be more confident and be happier because I think that'll help me be happier but I am happy, I do have a great life and everything is great but I'm such a looser why would anyone want to befriend me and I keep thinking that maybe that guy I met Thursday, Joe, that maybe he thinks I'm cool and maybe he'll like me but then I'm like, nope, not happening, you're too weird for anybody, you'll end up with three hundred cats and living under a bridge. But then I'm really confident I think I'm amazing and awesome because I quote lyrics and books and I watch a lot of youtube and I spend a lot of my time on the internet and for me that is normal and I think that I am fine, I am amazing and everyone else is a peasant, I'm superior. That's the image I like to think I put on everyday, and I like to think that that is true because eventually I'll believe in it.
But things would work better if I just stopped thinking.
But I can't.
So I'll just keep on writing and feeling and let it be.
And trying to feel as amazing and awesome as possible.
I'm a strong and idependent woman who needs no one to move forward.
The only one I'll ever need is me.
Song of the day: The Sharpest Lives, by My Chemical Romance
Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx
(july 2015 update: joe has a girlfriend. typical)
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