not worth reading

i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i lived in the city. i wish i were more interesting. i wish i could go out at night and go to festivals and make memories. i wish i was more confident. i wish i wasn't so insecure that all my friends are going to leave me for their friends, who happen to be so much cooler than me. i wish i liked myself more. i wish my legs were skinnier. i wish i didn't have a big butt. i was my stomach was flat. i wish i had the motivation to work out. i wish i loved my body. truly. i wish i had more money. i wish i could love the shows my friends watch. i wish i didn't spend all my time on youtube. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i could talk to my friends. i wish i knew myself better than i do. i wish i knew wether i'm actually bisexual or not, or if it's just a phase. i wish my dad didn't hate me. i wish my dad were normal. i wish he'd stop judging everything. i wish everyone would stop judging me. i wish i would stop thinking that anyone is judging me right now. i wish i wasn't crying right now. i wish my body didn't ache from some stupid weird reason. i wish i could sleep more. i wish i had more motivation. i wish i was braver. i wish i was creative. i wish i didn't feel like there's two someone's in my head, constantly battling over my brain. one keeps bringing me down, and is realistic, and the other is more positive and happy. i think right now they're fighting. they're having a really huge fight. i wish my parents didn't fight. i wish i could just move out and live by myself and have a job and have my life figured out. i wish i wasn't crying so hard right now. i wish i wasn't posting all this shit on my blog instead of trying to solve my issues. i wish i wasn't sad right now. i'm not sad. i hate being sad. i wish i could say this stuff out loud to someone without sounding whiny. i wish i wasn't so confused. i wish things went my way. i wish i could stop wanting things when i'm well aware that money runs short right now. i wish money didn't run short right now. i wish this pimple in my eyebrow didn't hurt so much. i wish people around me realized how nice their lives actually are. i wish i realized that. i wish i stopped wishing being anybody else. i wish i could stop wishing stuff. i wish i was a youtuber. i wish time would slow down. i wish school wasn't right around the corner. i hate school. i wish i didn't have social media, and that  didn't know people, so that i could stop comparing my actually kinda nice life to other people's lives. i wish i wasn't so self centered and fake. i wish i wasn't a bitch and i wish i was nice to people. for real.
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx

Rant

Hey!
I've never been a nice person. I mean, I care about my friends and their well being. But I hate physical contact and when someone tells me they love me. And I also apparently treat people like trash.
I don't treat people like trash. I just call them loads of names and pretend like I don't care.
Here's a secret: I do.
And a lot.
I just discovered this recently. I'm not the type to care. Or miss someone. Or feel hurt by someone's words. But recently they get to me. And I miss people.
Still, I put on this mask that I'm superior to everyone and that everyone is an idiot except for me. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe I should try and treat people more kindly? No, not more kindly. I like to think that I am kind. I do care, and I do try and make sure everyone is feeling alright. But maybe I should cut on the name calling and on the cold hearted bitch façade.
However, I've been putting on this façade for so long, it has become part of who I am. Obviously I don't think I'm superior to anyone, it's actually the contrary. But I find myself saying these things like, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're *insert bad name*, and that's not nice. To have to talk to someone that keeps calling you names and attacking you constantly is not okay. I think everyone that I talk to knows that I'm just joking, but still. It's tiring. And it's not a nice thing to say slash write. So maybe I should try and be more nice. And stop calling people all these bad stuff.
But then again, that's the way I am. It's part of this character I've built throughout the years, this cute and kind person that is actually pretty aggressive and sassy. But maybe it's time to stop it.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the endless bad words and be nicer. More interesting.
I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm just really good at hiding it.
I don't even know what this is. I don't really care by now, I'm just bored out of my mind, and writing this stuff seems to help.
Also, my birthday was two days ago and now I'm kinda down. Don't know why. I don't even have motivation to watch GoT. Anyways.
Song of the post: I Found, by Amber Run. This music is magical.
Peace out dragons, and I'll see you later alligator.
Lorac xx

Birthdays and time

Hey!
You know when you miss someone so fucking much your heart aches for the next time you'll see them. And you can't stop thinking about the next time you'll meet the other person's eyes and hug them. It doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. Oh no. I'm talking about friends here. About the beautiful thing that is having a group of human being for whom you care so much that you'd live for them. No, I didn't get it wrong, and yes, I just made a twenty one pilots reference. Because everyone can be selfless enough to die for another person. To put their lives over your own. To save them. But it's kinda hard to live for them, to be alive for them, because you know it'll make them happy, because they feel the exact same way about you, and they love you just as much as you do. It's also hard to be selfish enough to live because you couldn't bear to not be with that other person, that other group of people who you care about so deeply that you feel a tightness in your chest, and you feel happy when they accomplish something big, happier than if it was you the one who accomplished. You'd go out of your way just to make sure theirs is the best one.
You'd do anything for them.

With my birthday being in seven days, I can't help but feel more than excited for the fact that I'll be seeing some of the most important people to me. And it makes me so unbelievably happy that they'll go out of their way to celebrate my day with me, when they could be doing anything else. And I know that birthdays mean nothing, and that it's just another day. But not for me. Birthdays have always been an excuse to do stuff out of the ordinary. To have my family around, to have dinner in a place other than my house, to visit my family in Lisbon, or for them to come visit me, to have my friends around, to do different stuff. (to get presents)(yes, call me a self centered bitch all you want, that's not exactly news)(and who doesn't love getting presents)(and I also love giving them, so I guess it's fine)(but I'm still a self centered bitch)
And also, you're celebrating the fact that you have survived another year. Still alive, and still going. And I think that celebrating life is one of the greatest things ever. And if it makes you happy, it's even better.
I've always been one of the only people I knew that loves getting older and celebrating my birthdays. Everyone is just, kinda scared to grow up and wants to not have responsabilities forever, and I've always been scared that maybe I was supposed to not want to grow up. But then I read somewhere that you're only scared of growing up because you fear that you won't do all the things you want before you die. But I'm not scare of that, I firmly believe that I'll do everything on my bucket list before I die, and that I'll live a happy and full live, no matter how old I am. Age shouldn't be a restriction and you should just accept the fact that you're growing up and move on. As long as you forget that you're going to die some day, you are immortal. And, even tho the fact that the end is nearer as the days go by has been trying to enter my mind slowly, it's still not quite there yet. So for now, I'm still immortal, and I still have all the time in the world to do whatever the fuck I want.
Also, because my birthday is during the summer holidays, it's just an excuse to see everyone I adore and for them to come and love me, because usually during summer I turn into something that never gets out of the house to see their friends. Although that has been changing since this summer. But not quite.

So yeah. I'm getting old and that's the least of my problems.
Song of the post: One for the road, By Dodie Clark. (no, it's not the arctic monkeys song, although that's a pretty good one as well) This song is just so empowering and it makes me really really happy.

See ya later alligator. Also, peace out dragons.

Sherlock and tv shows and happiness

I think that the thing I love the most about watching a new TV show that I really enjoy is being able to finally watch the behind the scenes without any fear of spoilers, and also being able to search the tumblr tags and watch the youtube interviews and cast funny moments and still being able to hang on to that certain show, even though it's finished, or three years away. I just finished watching the last available episode of Sherlock, the BBC series, and let me tell you. That is some good shit, right there. The acting is so spot on and the fact it's set during the modern days is what attracted me the most. I'll be honest now, though, I do have a tiny little crush on Bennedict Cumberbatch (who doesn't amirite?), because he is indeed really handsome, but, oh my angel, I think this is the show where I've caught myself smiling the most, and where I've laughed the loudest and where I got the most chills from. Getting addicted to a new thing, a show in this case, means changing the way I see things. Throughout the whole time I was watching Sherlock, I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not a mind palace would actually be real and possible, and not just a writer's creation. I also thought about how much I wanted to be as smart as Sherlock, and how I wanted to ve able to analyze everything and make deductions so fast. Sherlock Holmes is now definitely one of my favorite characters of all time, because of how complex and rich he is. Sherlock didn't fail us fangirls when it comes to character developing, although it does leave a lot for us to think about and to "deduce" ourselves about Sherlock and John, which is a detail that I love about anything that I watch. It makes me want more and more. So, until 2017, our this year's special Victorian episode, I'll bury myself in behind the scenes and funny moments and Johnlock fan art (even though I'm probably the only one who absolutely DESPISES it) and character development texts on tumblr. But it's not just the tv show is it? It's also all that it implies. All the staff behind the cameras, the directors, the script writers, the producers, even the actors. All the friendships and even relationships that are formed, and now I'm not talking about Sherlock specifically. All of this reminds me, us, viewers, that there's life behind all of the shows we watch and love. There's humans, lives, sentiment behind all of that. Memories created, happiness, sadness, and stress and all that comes with producing a show, or a movie, or anything. I can't talk from personal experience but I can indeed talk about these behind the scenes, and these youtubers videos that I watch, about how stressful everything actually is. But also about how worth it it is in the end. How they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. How happy they are that they get these opotunities for creating these 'masterpieaces'. And maybe it's all staged. Maybe it's all an acted, and nothing is real, and they're being paid to say those lovely things. But I like to believe it's not fake. That is really, and that the happiness is genuine. And that makes me a tad bit happier as well. Because I've felt that way, proud and happy and completely fulfilled (kinda sorta) and it reminds me of that and it makes ME even happier, that there are still people there content. it also makes me really want to produce my own movie. maybe someday. i also love that fact that BBC doesn't forget the fangirls and includes some johnlock in the show. really proud of how far we've come. even though i hate johnlock. Music of the day: Proof, by Paramore. It's a love song, but a happy one, and it always makes me feel all giddy and romantic and happy for at least 3 minutes and 15 seconds. It makes me feel as if I'm the one singing the song. Happy. Happy is good. See ya later, alligator.