feeling too much

i thought i would video-record this, but i realized that i'm too afraid that my parents burst into my bedroom and then it would just get weird. so i'm gonna write instead.
so, i just got back from my weekend with jess in the city. i don't think i can explain what i'm feeling right now. i guees it's too much. let's start from the beggining.
i got there friday afternoon and i spent it with another girl that came and we sat in the garden jess has at the back of her house and we enjoyed the sun and the peace of school break. it's so fucking hot outside, but it's so peaceful, so we just layed in the grass, talking about meaningless stuff, and that's when i realized that maybe that weekend was going to be a weird one. we also made pancakes and sang along to all of the camp rock songs, and i've never felt more alive. jumping and yelling at a lifeless tv screen and preteng that we were seven all over again and i was just loosing my mind and going with the flow. i almost lost my voice, as well as my legs, but it was so fucking worth. if you have the chance, for just one day, just dance around and scream the lyrics of your favorite album. honestly, it's the best thing you can do to help yourself.
 then the friend was gone. and john texts us saying that there's something happening in a town that's near where jess lives. and by something i mean a party. it isn't exactly a party. more like those traditional little festivals all small towns have, where the elders gather around and dance to the sound of really awful music, but no one seems to care because they're just having a good time. so we went. bare in my mind this was my first 'night out', even though i wouldn't consider it a 'night out' because we just stayed there, watching everyone dancing. so me and jess get ready and we went to the thing where john and the rest of his friends were. man, that was one great night. john's friends are cool. me and jess were the only girls in the group, but that didn't matter. we had just known the guys and that didn't make anything awkward for anyone. we played pool and jess danced and me and john and another guy watched all of these people dance and we also ate food and drank coke and i ate maltesers. we got home at one and a half in the morning from one of my favorite nights ever.
I don't think you understand. I don't go out. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I'm what you would consider a outgoing girl, but I rather stay at home than go out. I'm always the one who doesn't go when my class goes out and drinks and has fun.
And yes, this wasn't really 'going out into the night and getting wasted and losing my virginity', but it was still amazing and I met so many new people and I think I did well. Saturday we woke up really late. I ended up going to Jess' scouts thingy and tbfh it was kinda boring, mainly because I just sat there and watched for three hours, but in a way it felt good to just be there and watch from afar and just be. Not worrying about a thing and just be there. We got home and did nothing and then GUESS WHAT? We went again to the little small town party. More people came (not that many people though) and we already knew each other so it wasn't that bad. I got showered with Game Of Thrones season finale's spoilers and we played table football and pool and we roamed around and I had as much fun as the day before.
we got home at two am and we fell asleep at three and a half in the morning. then shit got weird. during that falling asleep time, me and jess were on twitter just waiting for sleep to come, when we saw a tweet from our good friend john about something related to love. so, as the curious little bitches we are, we started messing with him and asking for him to tell us who the special girl was. but i think that things got a bit out of hand. and i also think he's mad at us. and i started feeling like shit like i always do when it comes to getting weird with friends and not knowing.
the thing is, jess speaks to james more than i do, and i can't help but feel kind of jealous for the fact that she can make conversations so easily and i'm just the weird potato sitting in the corner. and also james and ian are not here and they're there but there seems like too far away but at the same time they have to have friends and i just feel like i should stop caring at all but i love them like my brothers and loosing a brother is something i never thought i would have to go through because i'm an only child. but the thing is, when we get together is just like the old times and it feels as if nothing has changed and we're the same, but i love those moments so fucking much i want to have them all the times.
 so when it comes to these new friendships i'm creating with the people in my class, i'm trying to make them as honest and as great as possible, and i'm trying to cherish them and make them last, BUT THAT DOESN'T GO WELL WHEN THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T COOPERATE and it makes me mad because it's my fault and what can i do to try and change and help the friendship stay alive but also i shouldn't be changing for these stuff to work because the other person should accept me as i am bUT WHAT IF WHAT I AM IS NOT ENOUGH?
 the thing is, it has to be. There's no one out there like you, and if you and someone are friends, you being you will always be enough. You are friends because of who you are. Friendships are living on top of the people's personalities, so it has to be enough. Because you are you, and there's nothing more you can do to fill the already full cup of yourself. So what I'm trying to do is stop worrying about this and try and cherish what I have. I have great friends and that is enough.
Yes, sometimes I'll feel bad and jealous, but I'll try and think about these people that are in my life now and making it what it is.
I watched Inside Out today and if there's one lesson that I learned is that there needs to be sadness for the happiness to come. It's so easy to feel sad about something, but happiness exists because those sad moments exist as well. It's like we need to go down for us to go up, or something like that. The opposite. Like an arrow that is pulled back before it goes forward. If it wasn't for these sad little things, happiness wouldn't be there and we wouldn't feel it as strong as we do.
 I don't think I'm always as happy as I was last year, but there are some moments when I just feel this rush of happiness and it's so strong it almost knocks me out and at the same time I want it to go on and on and on. And right now, I need to continue living and being and let it flow and ENJOY IT!
I watched Dodie's video Just a few nostalgic tears and I just realized what I've been realizing ever since I came into this new school. I am growing up, and with each day that goes by I am closer to being an adult and leaving school and it scares the shit out of me if I'm being honest, but at the same time, as Carrie once said, it's exciting because new experiences.
Growing up it's something that we just have to do, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun and be awesome and stuff.
So yeah. That was today's post. This was more a post for myself than for the shadows out there, but thanks for reading as always.
Sorry for the bad grammar.
Soundtrack: Somewhere only we know, by Keane. Old but gold.
I'm off to watch Game Of Thrones.
See ya later aligator

Thoughts on feeling confused

Hey!
GUESS WHAT MY BLOG IS ALMOST ONE YEAR OLD AND IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST YEY?
I can explain.
So there's this thing called school and it has been taking up all of my life for the past months. And there's this thing called Teen Wolf, that has got me hooked up like good cocaine and it pretty much destroyed my whole existence. And there's this band called twenty one pilots, and right now they're the only band I've listened to for the past three weeks. And there's this thing called MY FUCKING BRAIN THAT WON'T STOP WORKING AND WORRING IF I'M LOOSING JAMES AND IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I'M JUST TOO ANNOYING AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND IT ALSO HAS GOT ME CRUSHING ON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BOY THAT IS REMOTELY NICE TO ME, AND EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT NICE, IT'S FINE, I DON'T CARE, I'LL JUST CRUSH ON THEM AND WHISH THEY WERE KISSING MY LIPS.
Like, right now, my hormones are jumping up and down. They have been doing this for the past five hours. All of this because I spent a fucking hour near some friends and a really nice looking guy and I really really wanted to jump on him. What is happening to me? I think this is why James has been ignoring me and I can't make friends and aufdhjed.
But on the other hand, I finally found something that actually caught my attention and made me really addicted like it used to. Teen Wolf is so great and amazing but can we just talk about (season 3 spoilers) the fact that Allison fucking dies and Isaac just leaves?! They were my favourite characters and now they're both gone. Scott was supposed to end up with Allison, they were meant to be. But I guess that at the same time, this show is pretty realistic because these things just happen in really life. Not the part where your ex-girlfriend slash love of your life gets killed by an oni. But you get me.
You remember when I used to get so excited because there was a green little dot right next to James name on facebook, because it meant he was online and therefore, going to talk to me? Now it only makes my heart ache and I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that there's no more Steam message sound or Facebook messages. Now he has his class and his friends and I guess I'm just kinda jealous. He was always there and now he's not and he's talking to other people and it seems like he just forgot about me and Maia, my best friend. It feels like we were left out. I was left out. We were the fantastic trio, me, James and Maia. Now they have their own classes, their own friends. And what am I doing? Watching fucking Teen Wolf until two am and crushing on everyone and fangirling way too loud on the school halls and scaring every single fucking person way with my shy slash way too loud personality and with my crazy mood swings.
I swear, last year, I was so much happier and so much lightweighted. I didn't realized I was going to leave behind some of my greatest friendships I've ever made and that I was going to just jump into a whole new class. No one really knows me, and I haven't really 'clicked' with anyone like I clicked with James, Maia, Ian, and the rest of my class. I'm still holding on to them, even though this year is two days away from ending. And I don't know. I don't know how I feel anymore, and don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to feel. How the hell am I supposed to act so people will enjoy being around me? So that there's someone who will enjoy having my presence and I will enjoy it back?
 I guess the problem here is the fact that I don't enjoy other's prensence, I can't like people and I have no fucking clue on how to properly speak to them without looking like a fucking freak. I want to make great friendships, and learn everything and have good grades and fall in love and all of that, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can't support humans? I don't understand anything at all, and right now, it's too late too even try.
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up I'll understand it a little bit better.
Song of the day: Astronaut, by Simple Plan And Polarize, by twenty one pilots. (srlsy, the whole 'blurryface' album is just great)
 Peace out dragons,
Lorac xx