not worth reading

i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i lived in the city. i wish i were more interesting. i wish i could go out at night and go to festivals and make memories. i wish i was more confident. i wish i wasn't so insecure that all my friends are going to leave me for their friends, who happen to be so much cooler than me. i wish i liked myself more. i wish my legs were skinnier. i wish i didn't have a big butt. i was my stomach was flat. i wish i had the motivation to work out. i wish i loved my body. truly. i wish i had more money. i wish i could love the shows my friends watch. i wish i didn't spend all my time on youtube. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could stop feeling sorry for myself. i wish i could talk to my friends. i wish i knew myself better than i do. i wish i knew wether i'm actually bisexual or not, or if it's just a phase. i wish my dad didn't hate me. i wish my dad were normal. i wish he'd stop judging everything. i wish everyone would stop judging me. i wish i would stop thinking that anyone is judging me right now. i wish i wasn't crying right now. i wish my body didn't ache from some stupid weird reason. i wish i could sleep more. i wish i had more motivation. i wish i was braver. i wish i was creative. i wish i didn't feel like there's two someone's in my head, constantly battling over my brain. one keeps bringing me down, and is realistic, and the other is more positive and happy. i think right now they're fighting. they're having a really huge fight. i wish my parents didn't fight. i wish i could just move out and live by myself and have a job and have my life figured out. i wish i wasn't crying so hard right now. i wish i wasn't posting all this shit on my blog instead of trying to solve my issues. i wish i wasn't sad right now. i'm not sad. i hate being sad. i wish i could say this stuff out loud to someone without sounding whiny. i wish i wasn't so confused. i wish things went my way. i wish i could stop wanting things when i'm well aware that money runs short right now. i wish money didn't run short right now. i wish this pimple in my eyebrow didn't hurt so much. i wish people around me realized how nice their lives actually are. i wish i realized that. i wish i stopped wishing being anybody else. i wish i could stop wishing stuff. i wish i was a youtuber. i wish time would slow down. i wish school wasn't right around the corner. i hate school. i wish i didn't have social media, and that  didn't know people, so that i could stop comparing my actually kinda nice life to other people's lives. i wish i wasn't so self centered and fake. i wish i wasn't a bitch and i wish i was nice to people. for real.
i don't even know anymore. i'm tired of being like this. in this constant state of trying not to feel, not to cry, not to be, because i know for a fact that will hurt way too bad, and i don't know how to handle it.
i just let out two and a half months worth of emotions and unwritten words, that probably i probably should have let out a long time ago. so now i'm a mess. but it's fine. i'll just hope tomorrow i'm happier.
peace out dragons and see ya later alligator
Lorac xx