long time no see blog.
how've you been? great? me too! kinda.
five months have passed and honestly i've missed writing so much.
i missed it so much but i kinda stopped. i'm busier, i have no time so i found another way to cope with all these videos.
(to the future me who's reading this, remember to check all those vlogs you have on your hard drive, they're kinda like spoken blog entries.)
a bunch has happened since i last wrote here. six months have passed (!!!). half a month.
i went out with my friends and got proper drunk. like completely wasted out of my ass. it was great. you know what happened? (i'm giggling as i write this jesus i hope i never forget this feeling) i made out with the twin brother of one of my friends, brian. saying this is always funny. the situation is not as funny tho. it's not a bad thing either lmao it's just something that happened and that i can now cross out of my bucket list. making out with a stranger.
the thing is
i always thought of myself as this cold hearted person who has friends and is able to laugh and make good memories but at the end of the day i don't really love anyone.
but then i realized that was a lie.
because this is my senior year, i'm trying to make as many memories as possible, get into as many project as possible, to make my last year on high school one of the best years of my life. so far i have succeded. even though i feel like shit a lot more often than usual (i don't even know what's going on with my brain lmao) i also feel a lot happier. i've been doing so much stuff that it makes me sad that the school is ending. remember when i talked about that summer university thing i did two years ago and how happy i was to be doing and learning so many new things and making so many new friends and meeting so many new people? i still love doing that, but now i kinda found my group of people to do these things with. i have my neighboors, who are up to going out whenever we want because we live so close to each other. it's so cool, and it's one of those things i could only dream about doing when i was younger, because i lived in the outskirts of the city for so long. and now i'm here and i'm making the most of it. i have my badminton friends, and they're great, honestly. just to think that at the beggining of 10th grade i was thinking of dropping badminton because i didn't have any friends makes me kinda sad. i'm so glad i stuck with it because i love playing badminton and i love hanging out with the people who play it as well. we're such a nice cool chill group of people and aaargh i just love hanging out with them. i love having friends. then we have my new class, which includes my bffffff michael (who also happens to turn 18 this friday the fifth, the date john broke up with me and also the day i moved to the sity (i've been in this house for a whole year whaaaat?)), and honestly they're great as well. i'm so glad i'm not in the same class as last year, because that meant having to be in the same class as john and honestly i think i wouldn't be as happy and as free as i am now if i wasn't in this class. it's not like we're all best friends or anything, but honestly they're such nice and cool people and i just like them a lot. then we have the robotics smart group of people. they're so cool. seriously. we went to a little robot tournment thing back in february and it was like a whole weekend of coding but also having fun and running around town and having freedom to do whatever we wanted. then this past weekend we had the national robotics open, which leads to the international robotics open in japan (if we had won i would be going to japan this summer :O) and it was another great experience. i can't stress enough how much i like these kinds of things where just a group of people meet up and do shit together. i imagine life in uni will be nothing like this, but honestly i like these things so much, and even if it takes more work in the future, i think i'll like it as well. we're a total of eight people, from the first weekend tournment and then the other girl left and two "new" guys entered and now i'm the only girl and i'ts very cool ngl. one of the new guy is brian. yes, the brian i made out with. yes the brian i may or may not have a crush on.
let's not forget about how much i like the robotics people, but now i need to talk about this guy.
so i always thought i was a cold hearted person right? i used to think "oh you'll be able to make out with a stranger and not grow attached to them" wrong. first things first brian is ridiculously good looking. seriously. how is it possible. also he has a very nice and deep voice. and he's very cool and just a generally cool person to hang out with. the thing is, i barely know him. back in march when we "met" after we kissed and i had to go he was asking for my number and asking if we could be friends and maybe more than that and i gave him my number but i tried (very drunkly) to explain that i was arromantic (for the record, i don't even know if i'm arromantic or not okay, i just felt sure back then) and he got the message and the next day when he texted me asking if my previous statment still prevailed, i said yes. so basically i rejected him. and now i regret it. i mean
i was being kinda honest. i have been looking up stuff about being arromantic, and i fit into like half of the things. but i want to love someone and honestly i can imagine myself in a relationship loving someone. but then at the same time i wake up every morning and i think to myself what it would be like if i had a boyfriend and if i would feel sofucated or just excited and i don't know how to explain this thing i feel in my heart (sometimes i just need to take a deep breath lmao).
then i think of this guy and how handsome he is and how NICE he is and i find myself wanting to know him better? is it just curiosity? is it lust because i had his lips once and now i want his whole body (wow this was weird)? is it the leo inside me wanting attention because once he wanted to get to know me better but know he doesn't give me that much attention?
I DON'T KNOW
i just
would like to get to know him better
and maybe kiss him again.
and i get butterflies when i think about him and it's probably just a stupid crush or i'm just desperate for attention i don't know
i just
get so happy randomly for no reason and i've been in such a good mood lately i'm so goddamn happy.
this weekend we're all going out for mike's bday and on sunday brian turns 18 as well, so that means he's going out as well (and all the other robotics people, and i'm happy that they're going as well wohoo) and i don't know. maybe i'll see him again? who knows (i really wish that happens tho)
but again, if it doesn't, it's fine because i'll be with jess after such a long time without seeing her and we'll have a sleepover and it'll be fucking great.
i honestly can't wait for this weekend jfc
also, i just hope to god my anxiety doesn't start to kick in like it did right before we had a school trip to lisbon and jess's birthday dinner a month ago. i was seriously so pumped to go to lisbon after such a long time and the day before i just stopped and felt like shit and it carried out for like two weeks or something. i'm so scared my brain pulls another prank on me and just decides that saturday is a good day to feel like shit. i don't want to ruin my night, or anyone's night. it's gonna be amazing and great and i can't wait, and i just pray that nothing ruins my mood.
that has been all that's been happening through the last six months, more or less (one of my friends i had a crush on actually developed a crush back, but the timing was shit soo yeah lmao so much for that).
i'm just in a happy mood these past few days and i hope i never forget how it feels to feel like this.
song of the FUCKING LIFE IDEK: that's how it goes, rusty clanton (such a happy feel good song i love it so so much), in the middle, dodie clark (a weird, unreleased, great song that i fell in love with yesterday), sunshine, toppdogg (THEY'RE SO GOOD AND THIS SONG MAKES ME SO HAPPY I JUST IUABDCJEWV)
this is all.
bye frends, i shall now go to the gym (i love the gym and working out and i'm getting strong and not putting on any weight and i think i'm finally coming to terms with and accepting my body yay!)
see yall later bYEE
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