That's what I should've written on my wrist.
Hey!
So the last two posts I made, I mentioned something called #I'mHappy challenge. Well, I realized this morning that it was stupid.
This morning I had a little 'breakdown'. I had sort of a fight with my mum, and then I started crying for 'no reason' and all those thoughts I've been trying to avoid for a week floated back into my mind like something that I can't think of right now that is like thoughts floating into my mind. My point is, this challenge was based on another challenge. But the #CutCake thing is more physical than psychological, it was based on stop doing something that you could control, your hands grabbing a blade and cutting your skin. But when it comes to your mind, there's always that little something you can't control. Add that little something to the fact that I'm on my period, and you have the reason behind my breakdown.
But there's another thing. What if I could have gone through the week and got my microwave cake in a mug. And then what? What would happen after that week? Would I be happy? Would I stop being... what I am now? (which is not depressed because I like to believe that I am better than I was a few months ago) I don't think so. You can't cure a mind in seven days. That's too little time to fix something broken for a whole life (which is 15 years for me).
Maybe my mind won't ever get fixed. Maybe I'll always have this broken side of me. Maybe I'll have to learn to live with it. And it's okay to have a broken side. It's okay to be sad and to cry cuddling to your teddy bear and sobbing like a mad dog for hours. And then falling asleep and having the weirdest dreams ever, which include crying to your death in one of them and a bad first day of school. Which totally isn't what hapenned to me this morning.
To be honest, I'm quite scared of this dark, broken side of me. Of the thoughts that it brings to my head. But I'm actually quite glad that I have it. It makes me more... Normal, I think? I don't know. I can't always be happy and bubbly, even though it's what I am (or try to be) 95% of the time. Just bear with me and my weird broken sad side for the other 5% okay? I will bear with yours. (I KNOW THERE'S NO ONE THERE OKAY I JUST LIKE TO PRETEND THERE IS DON'T JUDGE ME A GIRL CAN HAVE HER FANTASIES THAT TOTALLY DON'T SHOW HER NEED FOR LOVE-okay this went too far)
Well, I guess that's it.
Song of the day: This Is Me, by the one and only Charlie McDonnell (aka charlieissocoollike on youtube, i love him okay?) I wrote this blog post (only half of it though lol) listening to this song.
I've noticed that I put a shit load of youtubers music in song of the day and that I mention a lot of youtubers in this blog. Oh well, who cares?
Peace out dudes!
Lorac xx
No comments:
Post a Comment