Not anime related

Hey!
First of all, I'm sorry I haven't posted for two weeks. I haven't been feeling that good lately. And I don't mean that I'm ill. I mean on a mentally level. I think I'm losing my mind. And I'm not joking. I'm not on my period and I'm emotional, and I get sad and scared of the future and sometimes I just want to sleep so that I don't have to feel.
Self-esteem? Never heard of that. I eat more and more to drown my "mind pain".
I've been watching anime, I've even started the second season of Code Geass and I showed Maia the first episode of Death Note. She says she'll keep watching it. So I guess I should be happy.
But... I don't know? I mean, what's the meaning of all of this? Of the happiness? We're all going to die in the end...
I visited my new school a few days ago and reality hit me. I'm 15, I'm going to be part of the new guys on a school that has students older then 18... And I'm going to be completely alone in a class because none of my friends chose the same subjects as me... And I'm scared. What if I can't go and talk to the people in my new class? How do you even make friends? I don't know, I don't remember. I've never felt so alone but at the same time I know that Maia is going through the same because, as me, she is going to a different course than any of our other friends. And she's even more social-awkward than me. I'm honestly scared of people. Of their judgements. I know you shouldn't care about that but I mean, I'm going to have to stick with these new people for (hopefully) three years, I think that they should like me for this whole class thing to work. And I want to meet new people, to start a new journey but I'm scared. I'm so scared.
And since the finalists trip (wich was about a month ago) and the One Direction concert, where I cried my eyes out, I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore. Nothing to wait for. I have the beggining of classes but, do I really want them to start?
And today should be a happy day because 1D is 4 years old and Troye released Happy Little Pill, wich is making me cry of happiness because of how far he has gotten. And then there's A Film For Ella, the new JacksGap video, and I've cried so much because of that hug and I'm an emotional wreck and I just want someone to hug me forever and tell me that everything is going to be alright but it won't because people are not happy, I'm not happy and I don't know what to do...
Maia spent a night here and we had a sleepover and I was able to laugh and be happy but now... And now what? What do I do? Do I just... Stay here? Watch anime? Talk to James and cry because I don't understand anything and I'm feeling guilty because I like 5SOS and there's this girl who likes the same kind of music as me and she said she doesn't like 5SOS and I'm feeling really conflictuated here because I don't know what to do because I keep thinking "wow she's so cool" and now she doesn't like 5SOS and I'm just a failure at life because I'm so easily messed up by just that girl and I just wish I could erase that part of me who admires her and who wants to be her friend because I hate loving someone to that point. It makes me vulnerable.
I still don't understand what I feel about James and I don't know.
I just want a happy little pill to take me away and dry my eyes and bring colour and happiness to my skies because I'm so sad and I'm a mess and I hate being a mess...
And in a way I kinda want to meet those new people at my new school but I don't want to...
And now I'm crying like a mad dog and it's late and I should go...

Song of the day: Happy Little Pill, by Troye Sivan.

Peace out dudes!
Lorac xx